Fully recovered from the last three weeks? I know I haven't. I keep having to trim a thick handlebar moustache that keeps sprouting as if from nowhere, and have had my room randomly redecorated several times in the middle of the night with Iranian paraphernalia. It's all been very confusing and humbling.
Anyway, despite my recent warped state of mind and not being sure of who I really am, there is one thing I am sure of, and that is that today marks the Grand Opening of the Baiamonte's Casa Hall Of Fame!
This HoF isn't simply for living, breathing organisms though. Oh no. It delves far deeper than that. It explores and appreciates the innermost workings of Sports Entertainment. Because wrestling is much more than just wrestlers.
So for this upcoming trilogy of weeks, yours truly will be bringing you not 1, not 2, but 12, count them... 12 inductees into the Baiamonte's Casa Hall Of Fame! That's four a week for you ruh-tards.
Each inductee has been awarded their place in Casa immortality judged on individuality, historical and cultural significance, balls, style and awesomeness. So it's not merely a walk in the park in order to gain citizenship in the most prestigious HoF abode on the IWC. Places have to be earned. They're not merely gifted out on a whim because the owner is feeling generous. Through iron will and honest blood, sweat and semen these facets of pro wrestling have made the grade. Kneel before them and bestow upon them the gratitude and dignity they so richly deserve.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the first four inductees into the 2010 Baiamonte's Casa Hall Of Fame!
BAIAMONTE'S CASA HALL OF FAME CLASS OF 2010
Inductee #1 Batista's Heel Wardrobe
Bully's and fashion sense are two wrestling entities which have historically always gone hand in hand. From jock jackets to sequins, wrestling heels have doubled as fashionistas and clothes horses in between stuffing nerds in lockers and stealing title belts. Big Dave's no different. No sooner had he Batista Bombed Rey Mysterio into the year 3045 than he was gatecrashing Slammy acceptance speeches wearing PINK POLO SHIRTS!!! Follow that up with a Mad Max-esque sleeveless leather jacket and you've got yourself a Hell of a wardrobe. One that is Hall Of Fame worthy in anybody's book, not just mine. If Batista sports a Jock Jacket at any point in the near future he officially receives the distinction of being the best dressed heel in the history of professional wrestling, not just Baiamonte's Casa.
Inductee #2 Chris Jericho's Pout
So, fashion aside, heels are also best known for their magnificent mannerisms. Some prance, some dance and some smugly smirk, but no one, NO ONE pouts like Chris Jericho. The human dictionary, as he's become in the past two years, not only has a fondness for walking slow and draping himself in sharp suits, but has developed a pout of Hall of Fame proportions. The pout itself renders wrestling ability pointless as when it makes an appearance any segment or match instantly hits the cherished 5 Star mark. A man far past the wrong side of 30 wearing the expression of an eight year old who just got grounded for two weeks is something on which a price cannot be placed. Especially when being made when a World Title belt is resting on said pouter's shoulder.
There's nothing manly or intimidating about a pout. It's the hallmark of a bitch, which makes Chris Jericho's usage of it all the more extraordinary. Kudos Chris, you have cemented your place in Baiamonte's Casa history.
Inductee #3 Blain from Predator
This might make some of you youngsters bang a 'WTF' into your keyboard when you read it, but rest assured, this inductee is as Hall of Fame worthy as every other inductee combined. You see, in 1987, the sci fi/action movie Predator, starring your current Governor of California Mr. Schwarzenegger was released. However, big Arnie wasn't the only future Governor to enter the jungles of Central America that year. A certain Jesse 'The Body' Ventura was alongside him as Blain. No first name necessary, because let's face it, having one name just makes you sound meaner, with the exception of Seal obviously.
Armed with a mini gun and a packet full of chewing tobacco, future governor of Minnesota and one of the brightest wrestlers/colour commentators of the 1980's Jesse Ventura hit the jungle and silver screen by proclaiming himself a "Goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus" whilst proclaiming that he "don't have time to bleed" and blowing up several small guerrilla villages. Unfortunately the see through hunter from another planet soon saw to it that 'The Body' did indeed have time to bleed by shooting several large holes through our muscle bound hero. However, for the brief time we shared with Blain, we ought to be truly thankful, and this video I believe serves as a fitting tribute to a criminally underrated Hollywood movie badass, just check out that 'stache work;
Inductee #4 Hulk Hogan's cameo appearance in Gremlins 2
Truth be told, it was a nightmare of a task trying to limit the Hulkster's number of inductions to just one this year. The guy's just got so much to offer that he presented me with a headache the size of his pythons. There's his bass slapping on the hilarious 'Stand Back' video, the movie No Holds Barred and not to mention his "Better than a bodyslam" Honey Nut Cheerios commercial from the 80's. However, when big Terry popped up in the movie theatre in Gremlins 2, the sequel to one of my all time favourite Christmas films, I just had to give the nod to it. I mean, World Champion Hulk Hogan, a guy with a golden moustache and a spray tanned 250 pound body of pure muscle being involved with Gremlins is great enough, but it's the fact he's in his entire ring gear INCLUDING HAVING THE FUCKING WWF WORLD TITLE AROUND HIS WAIST whilst apparently casually catching a movie that takes the scene into another stratosphere altogether. As if the man hadn't given us wrestling fans enough over the years. The Hulkster truly is the gift that keeps on giving. Check it out for yourselves Hulkamaniacs;
So drink it in, they always go down smooth. The first four inductees of the 2010 Casa Hall of Fame. Not a bad way to kick things off if I do say so myself. And it's only going to get better over the coming fortnight as the remaining eight inductees are announced to you lucky, lucky readers.
But until next time, you'll have to share your love or hate (if you dare) of the inductees with me at [email protected].
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