Reported by Wrestling Professor of WrestleView.com
On Thursday, March 16, 2006 at 4:05 PM EST

The following was transcribed by The Wrestling Professor of www.armpitwrestling.com:

The Hogan family (not to be confused with the 1980s sitcom with Valerie Harper) visited the Howard Stern Show today on Sirius satellite radio's Howard 100 channel. Below is a recap of the visit:

-Coming out of commercial break, Howard played the infamous phoney phone call to Hulk Hogan from a talk show appearance from 11 years ago. The caller (Captain Janks) pretended to be a Hulk fan, got Hulk all riled up, and then dropped Howard's name. Hogan plays it cool, saying "If I was blindfolded and had one hand tied behind my back, I could beat Howard Stern." Let's hope Stephanie doesn't hear that and get any ideas.

-Hogan and Brooke are the first ones to walk in, and Robin notes how tall Brooke and Hulk are. They didn't say this, but Howard and Hogan are both 6'-5" and both are 52 years old. Sun damage is a terrible thing.

-Hulk says he's glad Bubba the Love Sponge and Howard made up, because for a while it "was like World War 3." Wasn't that a WCW PPV? Howard joked that Hulk is probably annoyed by Bubba and how he's a "star f*cker," always trying to be his buddy. The truth is that Hulk is the real "star f*cker," and used Bubba to keep his own name in the local Florida airwaves back in the 90s. This is proved later on in the interview as Hogan does some name-dropping.

-Hulk said his wife Linda refers to Hulk and Bubba as "two homos" based on how much they hang out and train together. Throw in Knobs and you have three.

-Howard said it's sweet how Hulk loves his daughter and wants her to succeed, but that he seems overly obsessed with it. Guess he never met Bill Watts, Verne Gagne, Fritz Von Erich, or every other wrestling promoter who ever lived. Hulk says Brooke is the one obsessed, but admits to being overprotective because he knows what "perverts" wrestlers can be and he assumes all guys are like that. He then says his son Nick is obsessed with race car driving.

-Hulk said Brooke quit school young, was home schooled from then on, and eventually got her G.E.D.

-When Howard asks Brooke about her sexual activity, Hulk threatens to leave. He just doesn't want to hear it, but says he's getting better at it. Brooke does admit she has never had sex, saying she's a "full-blown virgin." That unintentional play on words was not missed by Howard and Robin, but the joke never went anywhere.

-Hulk refuses to say when he first had sex.

-Howard said he did talk to his own daughters about sex, but it was uncomfortable. If it was uncomfortable for him, just imagine a normal Dad.

-Brooke blew off her fling with Aaron Carter when she was 14, saying they dated for only "two minutes." She said her father is only recently beginning to let her date and that she has no boyfriends.

-Howard wonders if Brooke is so repressed that she'll rebel one day and sleep with everything that walks, but Hulk shot down that theory, disappointing the 18-35 male demo in Tampa.

-Hulk said if Brooke decided to have sex, he wouldn't flip out over it and that it's her choice. Doesn't that go against the whole premise of Hogan Knows Best?

-Howard says Brooke needs to experience more men to avoid a Jessica Simpson situation where she marries too young and then gets a divorce right after.

-Brooke admits she is a teenager and that it's not like she has never kissed guys. She said this right after saying she just now is starting to date. Timelines that don't make sense must run in the family (read on).

-Hulk says Nick, on the other hand, is this crazy player at age 15.

-Hulk says Brooke was finally signed by a producer they have been courting in Florida.

-Nick Hogan then walks in the studio. Howard asked him if he has ever gotten laid. Nick's response: "Let's talk about race cars."

-Nick refuses to answer the sex question, but they point out that Hulk is smiling with that "That's my boy" look on his face.

-Hulk says they once went to Key West and Nick was driving around a golf cart he wasn't allowed to drive. That night, he walked into Nick's hotel room and there were 15 girls in his bed. Find me one bed big enough to fit 15 girls and one guy.

-Is Hulk jealous of Nick? Hulk says No. Howard tried to paint the picture of Hulk as a guy who got married real young, got famous in WWF, and never got to enjoy groupies. Some of you will find that humorous. At least Hulk admitted that wasn't the case, saying he got married at 27 (keep that number in mind).

-Hulk says he and Sylvester Stallone (name-drop #1) were "hitting it pretty hard" during the Rocky 3 filming when they were both single. But he says he and Linda have been married 22 years, which would make Hulk 49. But he's not 49.... my head hurts.

-In a funny moment, Brooke and Nick said they have both walked in on Hulk and Linda getting it on. They accidentally left the intercom on once, and Brooke heard the sounds, called Nick into the room, and they both listened. Another time, Brooke walked in on them and asked what they were doing. She said Linda looked embarrassed and said, "Nothing, we're just wrestling, honey." Fred Norris then played porno sound effects, which was funny. Artie Lange, who watched a little wrestling in the early 80s in New Jersey, joked that Hulk was just giving her the Superfly splash.

-At that point, Hulk says he's drenched in sweat and yells out, "LINDA!" Linda then walks into the studio.

-Howard said it would've been funny if Brooke walked in on them and Hulk was wearing a dress. Well, he did in that nanny movie.

-Linda is immediately asked if her breasts are real. She admits the truth and says No.

-Linda: "We wouldn't have been together 22 years if Hulk sucked in bed. He's sexy."

-Howard joked how Bubba thinks he's svelte, given that he's still 250 lbs. That is kind of odd. Hulk said Bubba used to be 498 lbs, but he trained him and he lost 250 lbs.

-When Linda first met Bubba, she thought he was just another "huge, big fat fan of Hulk Hogan." Well, he was. Howard joked that Hulk is Bubba's "one big celebrity friend." Wrestling fans know the truth, that Bubba is Hulk's one big celebrity friend. And he's only a big celebrity on Florida radio.

-Howard asks Hulk if he was ever tempted on the road. Hulk said he's "Not Brad Pitt," and that only strange looking girls were attracted to him. At this point I thought of that Vince Russo quote where he said Owen Hart was the only guy he ever saw who never cheated on his wife. Howard said, "But in Florida, you ARE Brad Pitt." Somewhere in Titan Towers, Dusty Rhodes is taking exception.

-Howard goes into the history of Vince McMahon and Hogan's stormy relationship. This was funny. He brought up how Hulk couldn't be "Hulk Hogan" in WCW and he had to be "Hollywood Hogan." I love how these stupid stories just create themselves. Hulk didn't even deny that story, I guess figuring it adds to the mystical feud between Vince and himself.

-Hulk says he was fired by Vince's father in the WWWF because he wanted to take the Rocky 3 role, and said back then promoters didn't understand the advantages of movie crossover publicity. He did admit to being a big star in Minneapolis and Japan before Vince Jr. called him years later to join the WWF.

-Says he likes Vince and had a long run with them in the '80s. But then the "steroid controversy hit." Uh-oh, let's listen.

-Hulk says he's not on steroids now, saying he weighs now what he weighed in the 9th grade. Possibly true, but in the 9th grade, Hulk was a fat kid and now he's cut and chiseled. How long before GH is something the mainstream media catches on to? Hulk said the government thought Vince conspired to distribute steroids, which he says wasn't true. Hulk admitted he started the whole thing in the first place by lying on the Arsenio Hall show. Just kidding. Hulk did say he "had to" take steroids back in the day in order to become 300+ lbs. Howard asks how he took them, and he said there were pills and injectables, and he mostly injected himself. Hey, that's not what David Schults said.

-Hulk mentioned Dianabol and Winstrol, and Linda added that steroids also helped injuries heal faster which was important to wrestlers. Well, that's just a side benefit and not the real reason wrestlers take steroids, but who are we to question Linda.

-Talk moves from steroids to anuses. Hulk denies he ever taught Bubba how to shave his anus, saying he only showed him how to shave his back. This is the same guy who lied to Arsenio, so believe what you will.

-Howard, who also shaves his privates, wanted details. Hulk said you need to let the shaving cream sit for 20 minutes. Howard wanted to know just how hairy Hulk is down there, to which Hulk replied, "I've got TWO Fu-man chu's." Rene Dupree's ears must be perking.

-It's time for Hulk's opinion on steroids in baseball. He's "insulted" that now people care after 20 years of baseball players abusing steroids. How many levels is that absurd on? He says when baseball players were at their peak hitting homeruns like crazy, that 80% of the players were on the juice. That's still a lower percentage than wrestlers.

-Hulk says steroids in wrestling are different, because they're entertainers, it's a controlled situation, and the endings are predetermined. "They are???" jokes Artie Lange. Howard, showing his staff did their research, did not ask the obvious follow-up question regarding the new WWE drug testing policy.

-Howard said he never realized how rich Hulk was. This is the same guy who thought Steve Austin only earned $2 million in 1998. Hulk said there were "Several years" in WWE where he made $14 to $15 million a year. This guy is a 24/7 work. He then said he did a series for cable ("Thunder in Paradise") and then went to work for Ted Turner (name-drop #2, although not as annoying as when Vince drops Ted's name to the media, as if Ted had anything to do with day-to-day WCW). Hulk said WCW had "5 or 6 good years" with him there. I count four, and only two of those would be considered genuinely really good years.

-Hulk misses wrestling. Said he wrestled Shawn Michaels last summer, and is doing the Hall of Fame induction this year. Poor Okerlund never got his name mentioned, and was just referred to as "an announcer."

-At WrestleMania 21, Hulk said Stallone (name-drop #3, as if Stallone wanted anything to do with that thing) inducted him. He wasn't scheduled to wrestle, he said, but ended up in the ring anyway. Poor Mark Copani has now become a footnote in history.

-Linda met Hulk at a bar, and admitted to sleeping with him on the 2nd date. She remembers driving home in her 'Vette on the 405 freeway, saying she had just slept with a giant. Linda says it was good, although his body was so big that she had trouble breathing. "My girlfriend says the same thing," joked the overweight Artie Lange.

-Linda claims she wasn't with many men before Hulk. "You weren't with Andre the Giant, were you?" asked Artie.

-Artie's on fire, joking that Brooke is an angel but Nick "is having orgies, running guns to Cubans, and organizing a crime ring." Linda said she found condoms in his wallet, and one of them was open. So he's either having sex or smuggling drugs.

-Nick denies he has had 2 women at once. Given that he denied that, but wouldn't admit or deny being a virgin, I think we know the answer to the virgin question. Hulk said the couch he was sitting on was soaking wet from all his nervous sweat. Who is he, Mike Rotunda?

-What a shock, Bubba is on the phone. Bubba once again acts like an internet mark who uses insider wrestling terms, calling it a "stiff" interview. Brooke calls him "Uncle Bubba," putting to rest the rumors that Beefcake is Hogan's brother in real life. Howard gives Bubba a hard time about Bubba being attracted to Brooke, but he denies it, saying she's like a sister. Hogan says Bubba would never do that, saying he respects the family too much and isn't like that. Howard responds, "I guess I know a different Bubba."

-Bubba says when Brooke is in the gym with them, he tells her to go put on something less revealing, proving that he's not a perv. But what did Knobs say? Howard gives the analogy of how fiftysomething actor James Woods dated the 19-year-old daughter of his best friend.

-My satellite signal goes out, and we're done. The interview was almost over anyway. I did hear a caller after the commercial break say this was the best interview yet on Sirius (no way), and to have Hogan back on again one day so he can tell his juicy stories. No one has the heart to tell them Hulk's stories are b.s., but why ruin the fun. Howard said Brooke wrote him a note that said she'd like to come on the show again in the future "alone," and signed the note "hugs and kisses, Brooke." $20 says Hogan planted that note.

-Overall it was a lot of fun, if you can deal with the lies. They do come across as Osbournes clones, but the kids are far less annoying and Hulk knows what to do to make it interesting (ie, lie and exaggerate). Howard definitely changed his tune on Hulk, whom he had refused to have on the show for years because he was close with Hogan's enemy Richard Belzer and because he thought he'd just yell and scream the whole time. Hulk has wanted to be on the show for many years, and this marks his second appearance, the first being with Rodman back in 1997.

-The Hogans also appeared on the Howard Stern "Wrap-up Show" at 11am, but I haven't heard it yet. Hulk's nose grew about 10 inches today.