This Place Better Be Picked Up When I Get Back
I know what you are thinking. This is quite possibly the most confusing and ridiculous title you have ever read for a column on a professional wrestling website. Well, let me explain what is rampaging through my noggin right now… they deal with numbers but nothing like the numbers I look at on a weekly basis in my day job (sales) and this position.
I’m just going to come right out and say it, I need a break. I need a respite from reading angry emails about how I know nothing about wrestling since I don’t watch Ring of Honor. I need a holiday from crunching the percentages of career activity from oft-injured performers. I look at my tables involving WWE and TNA rosters, TV ratings, TV appearances, guest hosts, and title shots/programs on a daily basis; I need some time off.
I need a vacation and I’m going to take it this coming weekend. A long four-day weekend spent away from a television, a computer, and even wrestling for that matter. That’s right… I will be missing next Monday’s WWE Raw for the sake of refreshing myself. I know this sounds insane to some, but I believe I deserve a holiday of some kind.
I don’t? Well, let’s go through those numbers that have been parading in my brain like Orlando Jordan in police tape making obscene gestures with a calculator.
I have written 75 weekly columns for Wrestleview, equaling over 18 months of indentured servitude.
I have provided and assisted with over 5 hours of audio content a week for Wrestleview since January, almost half of the entire amount we offer (that’s not including PPVs!).
I do all of this while working over 40 hours a week!
And damn it… my birthday is this coming Saturday. I’m turning 31 on the 31st. Go figure.
So before I burrow through my dresser for clean boxers, swim trunks, and anything else that will just cover half of the lower portion of my body, there are some people I need to address. These are performers that need to straighten up and clean their messes before I get back from my 4 days of stress relief activities.
If you fellow ‘realists’ can think of anyone who needs to straighten up their acts before I return next Thursday (appearing on Wrestleview Radio), please let me know so I read them the good right: firstname.lastname@example.org
Angelina Love – Try not to use all of your mother’s Maybelline. Seriously… if someone was to dump a bucket of water on you, they might find Jimmy Hoffa.
Chris Masters – Try to find your way to a wrestling ring in front of a television camera sometime before Labor Day. Many residing within the confines of YouTube are going through pectoral-dancing withdrawal.
Darren Young – Pick a hairstyle and stick with it. There is no way you can convince me that you were gone from WWE television for two weeks because you needed time to come up with that monstrosity that was on your dome last Monday.
Alex Shelly & Chris Sabin – Throw a punch. Keep your opponent in a headlock for at least 10 seconds. Try your hardest not to look like you have been doing the same moves in the same sequence every damn time you’re in a ring. And for Kozlov’s sake… stop mugging for the camera. We know you’re there, reminding us just makes the pain that much more unbearable.
Edge – Stop pulling your hair every time you are attempting to uncork a Spear or tackle or whatever the hell it is… you are starting to remind me of that weird kid suffering from Tourrettes that sat in the back of my 2nd grade class. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve become tolerant of others’ deficiencies and handicaps, but you need to stop giving them a bad name.
Raven – Um… uh… nevermind.
The Hart Dynasty – Continue staying away from WWE television. The longer you are out of my memory, the more enjoyable my life will continue to be. Just stay out of thought until the time is right to give your titles over to Kozlov and Santino. (You don’t agree? Then give me a different team that deserves them.)
Tommy Dreamer – Are you crying?! There’s no crying! There’s no crying in professional wrestling! Get some Summer’s Eve and get rid of that not-so-fresh feeling. Every homosexual male contestant from every reality show on Bravo is saying, “Damn. Grow a pair.”
Eli Cottonwood – Look, I love the sheer awkwardness you have been bringing to every episode of NXT, but it needs to end with a bang sooner rather than later. Maybe when you are eliminated… just clean house! Destroy everyone! Chokeslam John Morrison off of the stage or something! Make them regret that they incurred the wrath of the uncomfortable one!
Matt Striker – Find a woman. I’m being brutally serious. Go on a date and see if you are actually given the opportunity for a second occurrence. I say this because it is only through the advice and reactions of a woman will you realize that you are not appealing at all to listen to. You kill more momentum for a match and conversation between commentators than anyone within your company is willing to admit.
Taylor Wilde – Lay off the Wonder Bra for just 2 days. Newborns in Orlando’s Winnie Palmer Hospital for Women & Babies are forming a militia. They plan on overthrowing your torso in a coup d’état for those mommy funbags of yours.
Dolph Ziggler – Don’t you even think about ditching Vickie Guerrero as your valet. I don’t think you realize how good you have it right now. This time last year, you were building towards a feud with Rey Mysterio that left you in shambles with questions of your future in the debris.
Caylen Croft & Trent Barreta – Call your parents, they are worried sick about you.
Taz – Remember all that stuff I was saying to Striker, it goes double for you. This may seem very odd, but there is no cover charge to get into the Impact Zone. Dixie didn’t hire you to be the opening act for the REAL comedic talent the people came to see (some forcibly). I dare you to convince me that at least one match you call is chock full of suspense, intrigue, stress, and anxiety… you know… the kind of stuff every professional wrestling match is supposed to have.
Kurt Angle – Prove to me that this whole trek up the imaginary Top Ten rankings to get over your self-esteem issues and reclaim your glory is actually strenuous. Have a match end in a roll-up. Win by the skin of your teeth. The whole reason you have a ‘triumph of the human spirit’ angle is to look as human as possible. Finally…
Kevin Nash & Jeff Jarrett – I honestly have no idea what you two are talking about. If I was supposed to know, why is it so damned important now? Shouldn’t this shedding of skin and releasing of skeletons have happened way back when Nash first came to this organization? I mean, you are talking about WCW right?
Why hasn’t there been an angle devoted to Mr. Anderson’s love for Super Golden Crisp in chocolate milk and how it tramples on Abyss’ responsibility for stocking up the TNA pantry? An angle like that, the grandiosity of the foundation, should be right up Russo’s alley!
Well, I’m heading off on my vacation. This place had better not look like a Jeff Hardy house party by the time I get back!
Until next time, mouth-breathers!
Annoy me with your assumptions and affronts… adore me with your adulation’s and acknowledgments: email@example.com
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