Disclaimer: What you are about to read is fiction. Everything in this week’s Notes from the Nosebleeds has been completely made up and in no way is true.
The following is honestly and absolutely true. Every now and then you need something better than facts. You need News from the Nosebleeds.
Yours truly suffered through a painful and punishing interview Nature Boy Ric Flair just a few short months ago. Given the circumstances, it was no surprise that I refused to conduct any other interviews asked of me. To subject myself to that kind of treatment would lead only to further self-degradation. So as the weeks wore on I continually refused whenever someone asked me to interview a wrestler; I just didn’t have it in me. That all changed when I was given an opportunity to interview Hulk Hogan.
For decades Hulk Hogan has been THE guy that comes to people’s minds if you were to ask a random individual on the street to name a professional wrestler. He has done it all in the ring and out of the ring. The chance to sit down with Hulk was too tempting to pass up. I immediately took the assignment. However, unlike my interview with Mr. Flair, I was not able to fly down to interview Hulk in person. His travel schedule was just too hectic. I finally arranged to interview him over the phone on evening while he was staying at a hotel in Los Angeles. Once on the phone we exchanged pleasantries and joked about the recent rumor regarding his death. Once ready to begin the interview, I recorded the conversation. What you are about to read is my full interview with the great Hulk Hogan.
Note: Conversations have been edited.
Nosebleeder: Mr. Hogan, let me just say thank you from the bottom of my heart for talking with me today. You are the greatest legend of wrestling. It is such a pleasure.
Hulk: Thank you. I appreciate that.
Nosebleeder: You probably wouldn’t remember but I actually met you once in Seattle at the Wrestlemania Fan Axxess. I shook your hand and as I went to leave I accidentally pulled your pen out of your hand.
Nosebleeder: Yeah, you said to the guy next to you “I dropped my pen, brother” but I picked it up for you so you could keep signing autographs.
Hulk: That was you?
Nosebleeder: Yeah! You remember?
At this point I hear a click.
Nothing. At first I am embarrassed by the disconnection. I had Hulk Hogan on the line and my phone cuts out? Damn! I am about to call Hulk back when my phone starts ringing. It’s Hulk calling back!
Hulk: I’m calling you back, brother.
Nosebleeder: Hulk? I’m sorry I think we were disconnected.
Hulk: I’m calling you back so you can see what you do to me!
Nosebleeder: Excuse me?
Hulk: Shut the **** up and listen. You don’t respect me. You have no consideration for me.
Nosebleeder: Hulk, that’s not true.
Hulk: Why can’t you ****ing support me instead of dropping my pens?
Nosebleeder: I do support you. The pen thing was an accident.
Hulk: You don’t support me. You insult me. You insult me with every look, every breath, every heartbeat.
Nosebleeder: What? Hulk, you are unbalanced.
Hulk: Instinctively I feel that. And I will not be patronized. I need someone to interview me because I ****ing deserve it! Not someone like you to suck my time away from me, brother! You little twerp.
Nosebleeder: You need medication.
Hulk: What? I need medication? I’ve headlined Wrestlemania, I created Hulkamania, and I slammed Andre! (huffing) I don’t need medication! You treat me like the god I am! I have been a gravy train for you as a wrestling fan!
Nosebleeder: Why do you enjoy insulting me? I’m going now.
Hulk: You go and I will come over there!
Nosebleeder: Here? Well…I would probably just leave.
Hulk: You want to go to Beefcake’s house? You go right ahead.
Nosebleeder: Beefcake? You mean Brutus? Why would I go to his house?
Hulk: Let’s see Beefcake provide you with entertainment and a personal life like mine that has the gossip for you to keep on talking about with your little friends! (huffing) My career, my life! You feed off it like a leech! You’re a parasite and you will feel the power! I will run wild on you!
Nosebleeder: I don’t’ deserve to be treated like this. I am going.
Hulk: You hang up that phone and you are dead! You hear me? Dead! I will bury you in a rose garden, jack!
I hang up the phone at this point and run to my bedroom crying. Clutching a pillow, I cry myself to sleep. The phone rings. I let the voicemail pickup. I can hear him on the message. Hulk has called me back and is now leaving me voicemails.
Hulk: I’m sorry. I wasn’t safe for you. Call me back.
Hulk: You won’t sleep tonight. If I don’t’ sleep you will not sleep.
Argh… Argh…Argh… I called.
Beefcake wasn’t such a bad worker, you know! And Warrior never should have gone over in Toronto. You answer me! You answer me or so help me I will send Brian Knobbs over!
As soon as he mentioned Knobbs I had no other options. I had to disconnect my phone. Even after changing numbers I refuse to setup voicemail or even answer my phone. I have long been a wrestling fan but I suffered for it like no other fan has. Here I was thinking that I could catch a big break for myself interviewing a guy like Hulk Hogan. I was wrong.
I realize that I took a chance in coming back but I truly believed I could do this interview well. I apologize for not being able to provide you with a great interview. The fact is somebody needs to stop Hulk Hogan. The man is out of control. I have already allowed myself to be a victim’s of his. Will you?