Lights, camera, action! As I discussed last week, these words are becoming more commonplace for the superstars of today. They are no longer playing their in ring characters, but marines, cops and serial killing monsters. But which already famous silver screen roles could the superstars of today play with aplomb?
Triple H was oft linked with the role of Nordic God Thor in the upcoming Marvel picture, whilst the Chain Gang’s Master of Ceremonies John Cena was rumoured to fill a certain Austrian legend’s boots in the remake of Predator. But here in the Casa, we do not busy ourselves with the rumour mill, nor do we work ourselves up with what we heard through the grapevine (Oh honey, honey!). No sir. We delve deep into the imagination and deal only in the most surreal of situations.
So, in the words of Bud Abbott in The Naughty Nineties, ?Who’s on first??
Santino Marella as Tommy Devito from Goodfellas ? Well the guy’s short and he’s Italian. He’s also funny. But funny how? The perennial hilarious punch bag, Santino is about as far removed from Pesci’s Tommy Devito character as is humanely possible without him also having to change sex. He would actually go and get his shine box for Billy Batts without batting an eyelid. There’s a lot to be said for a Mafiosi soldier who gets bullied by his wife and cries at the sight of a gun, which Santino surely would. The only foreign object he’s ever held in his hand is his, well, you?re all old enough to know what I mean. If Santino begins selling cigarettes on Raw in the near future, I?m ordering a remake of this film.
Hornswaggle as Kevin Mcallister from Home Alone (1 & 2) ? He’s small and loveable, and is constantly at war with one set of clowns or another. He’s a master of booby traps and somehow always comes up smelling of roses despite facing insurmountable odds (ok JBL did everything but waterboard him, but that’s the exception to the rule). And Hornswaggle probably weighs the same as Macauley Culkin and would likely fit into all of his original clothes from the 1990 classic. Perfect. Most importantly, the little guy also needs a shave, and what is applied to the face post shave? Aftershave! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! (I can?t tell you how proud I am of that last sentence. I had a beer to reward myself after writing it).
The Great Khali as Sloth from The Goonies ? Gigantic? Check. Friendly? Check. Incoherent? Check. Hilarious? Check and motherfuckin? MATE! Now picture Khali busting out an ill fitting Superman t shirt. My work here is done.
Batista as The Hulk from, well, The Incredible Hulk ? You wouldn?t like him when he’s angry. Just ask Rey Rey. As intense as anyone on the roster with a physique that is as close to The Hulk’s without the Gamma radiation poisoning. No foe tends to go unpunished for wronging big Dave, as Mark Henry and the aforementioned Mysterio will attest to. Also, if you listen closely to the audio of Batista’s demolition of Rey at Survivor Series, between the cracking of every bone in Rey’s body, you can hear The Animal grumbling ?Batista smash!? with every Batista Bomb he delivers.
Mark Henry as John Coffey from The Green Mile ? Size and race aside, it’s no secret that The World’s Strongest Man has exposed his friendlier side this past couple of months. He’s still breaking foo’s and splitting wigs or whatever it is his theme tune threatens, but he’s also taken up rapping and dancing with Hornswaggle. At this rate he?ll be taking people’s hands and sucking flies out of their mouths in no time. It’s not a direction I would normally choose for Henry, as I much prefer him putting a hurting on honkeys week in, week out, but I do have a huge soft spot for the man who’s name is like the drink, only not spelt the same, and no one on the current roster fits the bill for that role as well as the former Mr. Mae Young.
Gregory Helms as Mclovin from Superbad ? Don?t you just look at Helms and automatically think ?GEEK!?? There’s just something about the guy which makes me think that if he wasn?t a pro wrestler, he?d still be getting his milk money stolen and his head flushed down the toilet. I mean for Christ sake, his name is Gregory! He hasn?t even shortened it to Greg! But he’s a geek with an alter ego. Not quite Peter Parker, but certainly Fogell. Fogell is the kid who you just hated at High School. He just annoys you to look at and when he opens his mouth you don?t know whether to punch him or yourself his voice is that annoying. Yet he changes his name to Mclovin, and despite the fact that he is still Fogell and has the same voice, he’s hanging out with cops getting drunk and he’s banging skirt in some girl’s parents bedroom. He earns your respect. That’s how I feel about Gregory Helms. I can?t stand plain old Gregory, but in the words of Led Zeppelin, I?ve got a whole lotta love for The Hurricane. Maybe it’s the green hair, or maybe it’s the fact he has the worst superhero disguise since Superman (Look, I love Superman, but nobody looks that different without glasses. Clark Kent’s glasses aren?t even that big! They?re basically extended contact lenses!), but either way, Helms is a geek done good.
The Big Show as Captain Insano from The Waterboy ? C?mon, the resemblance is uncanny and? oh wait, lose the hair, plus some of the weight, change outfits?. Shit! Hollywood, you?ve outdone yourself again. If they do a Waterboy 2 and Insano has a pompous jerk with an 80’s boyband haircut as his tag team partner I?ll shit with happiness.
Not a bad cast huh? There’s a few sure fire Academy Award winners in amongst that Magnificent Seven. How Show’s cameo as Insano didn?t even garner a Best Supporting Actor nomination is still beyond me.
Until next time, you know to reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can follow me like several of you lovely lot have already done at @JoeBaia. I?m a hoot in 140 characters or less.