Hello again. Has it been a week already? Well, at the time of writing it’s actually only been three days but let’s not get bogged down in technicalities.
Unfortunately due to a rather impromptu holiday (vacation) being undertaken I haven?t had time to properly prepare a Casa for this week and have had to hurry around for ideas and any general wrestling tidbit I can grasp onto and flesh a column out of. But alas, no big ideas were forthcoming. However, I didn?t simply hit panic mode, but looked back at last week’s column and noticed the abrupt nature with which my ?future gimmicks? list was brought to an end.
I remarked at the conclusion of the 37th edition of the Casa that I had several more ideas for new gimmicks but didn?t want to go into novel writing mode and make it a chore to read. So I?ve decided instead to continue that list in this week’s visit, thus creating a special makeshift two part edition. Not bad eh? I spoil you lot sometimes.
So where to go from my creepy Gyno and fighting single Dad creations. Well luckily for you visitors I?ve had myself a beer and the creative juices are flowing freely. You ready for some more creative genius? Course you are. In the words of P Diddy on Twitter, LET?S GO!!!
Part Two of Baia’s Bumper List of Unused Wrestling Gimmicks
1. The old racist guy ? You know how your granddad sits there and makes racial slurs about any ethnic person who comes on the TV or is mentioned in conversation? No one bats an eyelid when it happens do they? The mentality is ?it’s ok, he’s old, old people are racist? but in a funny way?. It’s not a nasty thing, it’s just old fashioned banter. So with such ethnically diverse rosters as the WWE and TNA currently have, why not bring in a senior citizen for a penchant for all things politically incorrect? Obviously I?m not looking for a guy to be dropping the N bomb or anything like that, but think more along the lines of Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. A grumpy, beef jerkey eating, beer drinking old bastard who looks upon all foreigners with an almost comical disdain. He would also have to be some form of war veteran and constantly refer to incidents that happened in ?Nam and Korea. Those war veterans are the best.
2. The MILF ? Now I know there’s a fair share of MILF’s been involved in the wrestling industry (Karen Angle and Terri Runnels anyone?) but none of them have directly portrayed the MILF character. Give a young superstar a hot mum and have her be the object of the entire young roster’s affections. They fawn over her and help her superstar son during matches or save him from beatdowns. However, this MILF isn?t exactly a model mother. Cue guys leaving her locker room as she fumbles to make herself look presentable before as her bemused son arrives at the scene. It?d be a huge step up from Shelton’s Momma anyway. Not that she wasn?t awesome, but you?d hardly throw a fuck up her would you?
3. The IWC Smark ? How has this not already been done? I doubt anyone would ever get sick of seeing some indie fan boy who thinks he could book an entire promotion better than the current creative team all by himself get his arse handed to him week in, week out. His ring attire would probably consist of a ROH, PWG or CHIKARA t shirt and some soda stained sweat pants. And his catchphrase? What else could it possibly be other than ?HHH IS HOLDIN ME DOOOOOOWN!!!? and he?d constantly be dismissing John Cena’s abilities. He?d also have a thousand moves, none of which he knows how to use coherently in a match, but because they look cool it makes him a superior wrestler.
4. The Guy who narrates everything he does ? I think this has the potential to be the single most hilarious gimmick in the history of sports entertainment. I?d pay good money to see a superstar mic?d up and narrating his own matches. Just imagine, ?I scooped him up for a routine bodyslam but the son of a gun reversed it and delivered a devastating reverse DDT which left me in a world of pain? or ?I got him in position for my signature powerbomb when I wondered if it was worth the effort when his crotch comes into such close contact with my face?. Wrestling comedy gold. He?d be a constant promo. Sure it may have a somewhat limited shelf life but as a comedy act, he?d go down a storm. The best line would be left for after his victory ?The bell rung and I was announced my winner. So I scooped up my valet and whisked her back to my locker room where I intended to dress her up like a school girl and pound her like yesterday’s beef?.
So there you have it sports fans. The complete list. Sorry if this all seems thrown together, but last minute holidays cannot be forseen and I couldn?t let my loyal band of followers down by no showing. I promise you something much more extravagant next week. You crazy fuckers deserve it.
Until next week, keep it classy. Arrivederci.