So this special Guest Host of Raw gimmick was a bad idea then? But wait, the USA networks Summer ratings say differently. As does all the mainstream exposure the WWE has been receiving as a result of said celebrity involvement. Not that that will stop the usual crowd from dismissing it as nothing more than a publicity stunt whilst calling for the installation of a more permanent authority figure.
Ok, so Dr.Ken’s involvement in the Jeremy Piven run show was rough on everyone, and ZZ Top didn?t exactly shower themselves in glory either. But to that I give you three words: Bob FUCKING Barker. If ever proof was needed that the Guest Host deal (pun probably intended) is a good thing, it was last week’s show, which also went a long way to proving that more wrestling matches need to be contested over trips to Hawaii.
With each different guest host there is a variation in direction and general feel every week. It has prevented Raw from stagnating and has made more than a few people forget how stale the main event scene has become on the brand this year (no offense to messrs Orton, Cena and HHH, it’s just outside of those three, there’s not really been anyone else inserted into the Title picture).
With this week’s show brings the return of everyone’s favourite Diva, Trish Stratus as Guest Host in her hometown of Toronto, but who else would be an ideal candidate to run the show? I compiled my top five picks for the job into a nice, neat list for you to enjoy. So here it is brothers and sisters. Drink it in, it always goes down smooth.
1) Kevin James (as Doug Heffernan from the King of Queens) ? If you know your Kevin James history you?ll know that this pick makes a lot of sense. He was an amateur wrestler in High School. The same High School he attended with a certain Mick Foley, whom he is still close friends with. Now, I know Mr.Foley no longer plies his trade in the WWE, but I?m sure his current situation wouldn?t prevent Doug from stepping up to the plate on a Monday night in the future. What would also make this appointment complete would be the additions of Leah Remini and Jerry Stiller, who would reprise their respective roles of Doug’s wife Carrie and Father in law Arthur. I would probably give my left ball to see Arthur Spooner on WWE programming. Constantly aggravating Doug and questioning his decision making, whilst Carrie undermines and threatens Doug when he tries to book a Divas bra and panties chicken wing eating contest. This would result in Doug reluctantly putting Carrie in a match for the Women’s Title, which she would win via straight knock out. Arthur meanwhile would drop in a healthy dose of casual racial slurs (he’s old so it’s acceptable) and then pin Chavo Guerrero clean, before taking off with Mae Young.
2) Oprah ? Oprah = ratings no matter what she’s doing. I couldn?t name a single thing I wouldn?t watch Oprah Winfrey do. It’s like the Queen. She’s old, ugly and not a lot of people like her, but if someone gave you an envelope with a picture of the Queen riding Edward in reverse cowgirl, you?d take a look, no doubt. And the same goes for Oprah. She’s the Queen of lifestyle television. Well, of television full stop. She’s been voted as the most important woman in the world on more than one occasion. So put that prestige into a wrestling ring, and you?ve got entertainment and ratings and all the press coverage money can buy. Also, Randy Orton punting Oprah would automatically be the greatest moment in wrestling history. It?d make Hogan bodyslamming Andre look like a Bastion Booger match in comparison.
3) The Iron Sheik ? Just so he could book himself in a match with Brian Blair. It would be the only time in WWE history when it would be perfectly fine for a superstar to ?fuck his opponent’s ass, break his back and make him humble? on TV. It?d also be worth watching just to see how much booze and coke the Sheik can plough through in two hours. My guess would be seven times his own body weight. Then he?d finish the show by giving one of the Divas a short clothesline before calling everyone a jabroni and subsequently bursting into tears for no apparent reason. In the midst of all of this the Sheik would of course be bottomless.
4) Will Ferrell (as Dubya) ? Ferrell is hilarious at the best of times, but when he’s in Dubya mode he’s unstoppable. Put this guy in charge for a couple of hours and get him talking about his first three way and I guarantee it?ll be the finest episode of Raw you?ll ever see. I mainly just want Ferrell to talk about the high volume of muff on the Raw roster. He?d need to get his muff waders on that’s for sure.
5) Tony Blair ? That’s right. Former Prime Minister of England Tony Blair. Raw’s coming to the UK in a couple of months time so it only makes sense to have an English Guest Host. And it makes even more sense to have a Guest Host who viewers on both sides of the Atlantic know. He knows how to give a rousing speech and he’s not afraid to sweat either. Again, think about viewership. UK ratings especially would go through the roof should Blair get in the saddle for an episode. It really is a toss up between Blair and the cast of Monty Python, but big Tone gets the nod from me as he’s got the rock and roll past and a winning smile that spells out ?Smug Twat? in the most glorious way imaginable. It’s a skill very few men are capable of performing properly, yet Blair pulled it off with style and panache for a decade whilst he ran the rule over Britain. And if he can rule Britannia for 10 years then he can surely do a half decent job of keeping the Raw roster in check.
So there you have it. My shortlist of candidates for the much coveted position of Raw General Manager. I think it’s safe to say that if we see only one of them don the role then we?re incredibly lucky people. If you agree or disagree, drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Until next time grap fans and wrestle geeks alike, it’s arrivederci from me.