Happy Monday Casa readers. How the devil are you all? I?m sure there’s a few of my readers from across the pond that are over the moon that as I type this, the US are 2-0 up against Brazil in the FIFA Confederations Cup Final. Just a shame it’s a tournament no fucker cares about. But hey, congratulations all the same.
Anyway, shall we continue on with the ?Baiamonte’s Casa Half Year Alternative Wrestling Awards?? Let’s!
THE ?WHERE?D THAT STORYLINE GO?? AWARD
Winner: Donald Trump ?buys? Monday Night Raw storyline
Now, I was in the minority of fans who actually was in support of this storyline when it was revealed ?The Immaculate Hairpiece? had bought Raw from Vinnie Mac. However, due to some idiots in the media buying a wrestling angle for real (seriously? How did that happen?) Vince made an about turn and decided to scrap the idea after a week. Most fans were likely relieved that the whole angle lasted seven days but I wish Vince had just stuck to his guns on this and seen how it played out. Let’s face it, we?ve seen plenty worse in the past and plenty more ridiculous, and Trump is fucking hilarious to boot. Just for the ?hair? alone. Farewell Donald Trump: Owner of Monday Night Raw, we barely knew ye.
THE ?WE SHOULD DO THIS TOGETHER MORE OFTEN? AWARD
Winners: HHH & Stephanie
This award relates to the episode of Raw where hubby and wife simultaneously got their heads caved in by that dastardly Randy Orton. There’s something romantic about a married couple sharing a beatdown in the same ring. Also, never has a woman being DDT?d unconscious and then kissed whilst her handcuffed husband looks on helpless got such a positive reaction from wrestling fans. God bless the IWC and their warped sense of morals. I can?t tell you how relieved I was when Orton merely kissed Stephanie while she was out cold, because the look in his eyes screamed ?I?m gonna teabag the shit outta her!?
THE ?BACK TO SOFTCORE PORN FOR ME? AWARD
Winner: Candice Michelle
Poor Candice. A body built for sin and a mind as filthy as a trucker’s penis. And in 2007 she could actually wrestle too. Pretty well as it goes. Her and Beth Phoenix had an entertaining feud over the Women’s Title and put on some surprisingly good matches to say one of the participants wasn?t far removed from Playboy TV and the occasional softcore three way. Then Ms. Michelle contracts Ken Kennedy syndrome (sorry for another Kennedy injury remark, I really liked the guy, honest) and can?t catch a break (unless it was a bone? ZING!). This sees her spend the best part of 18 months on the sidelines, keeping her jugs waxed and her bikini line in tact for her big return, only for it never to happen. Still, those ?Go Daddy? dances can?t be too taxing on a female anatomy, so there’s still a lucrative career for her, just so long as she doesn?t sprain a wrist removing her bra she?ll do fine.
THE ?WE?RE BORED SO WE CAME UP WITH SOME SHIT AWFUL NEW PPV NAMES? AWARD
Winners: WWE creative & the WWE Universe
So, no longer will we be seeing No Mercy and Cyber Sunday grace our screens every October from now on. Instead, we?ll be treated to Hell In A Cell and Annihilation. Really? The WWE suggested these names in a survey and some of you people picked them? What the fuck were the other suggestions? ?Craptacular? and ?2 Girls 1 Cup?? Jesus H. Christ. I don?t know who’s worse. Creative for coming up with the names or the WWE Universe for choosing them. Why not go back to Halloween Havoc if you?re going to change the name? What I wouldn?t give to see an inflatable pumpkin sat amongst a faux graveyard scene atop the entrance ramp once more, just like back in the 90’s. Complete with a re hash of the ?Black Scorpion? storyline. Yes, I?d still have Flair be the Black Scorpion.
THE ?WELL I?VE NOT WRESTLED IN OVER 10 YEARS BUT WHAT THE HELL? I?M STILL AMAZING? AWARD
Winner: Ricky ?The Dragon? Steamboat
At a time when a lot of us were expecting Naitch to go back on his retirement and lace up the boots one more time to put Chris Jericho in his place at Wrestlemania XXV, were any of us honestly thinking, ?Hey, I wonder if Steamer still has it?? The answer is no. When plan after plan went down the toilet for Jericho heading into ?Mania, no one was particularly enthused with his final opponents, despite them being three legends of the grap game in Steamboat, Roddy Piper and ?Superfly? Jimmy Snuka. Piper was crazy and Scottish, Snuka was equally as crazy, as if he?d just taken another coconut shot to the dome, and Steamboat was, well, he was magnificent. Turning the clock back twenty years, Dragon barely missed a beat and had fans everywhere on the edge of their seats once more, as if we?d all been transported back to ?89 and the Chi Town Rumble or WrestleWar. To top it off, we got to see the Hall of Famer go at it again with Jericho a few weeks later at Backlash, this time in 1 on 1 action, and he didn?t disappoint. Even in his retirement years and with barely a sniff of in ring action in God knows how long, Steamer proved that he was still better than 90% of full time wrestlers working in the World today. Simply phenomenal.
And so ends the first ever ?Baiamonte’s Casa Half Year Alternative Wrestling? Awards. I hope you?ve all enjoyed them as much as I have. It was an honour and a privilege to take part in them. They?re my baby!
Also, just as a cheap plug, next week I make my ?Falls Count Anywhere? column debut here on Wrestleview.com as me and resident WV old man Ben Hagen debate whether or not The Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak should be broken. It’s a thrilling piece, one which I win hands down. But it’s not for me to judge, read it for yourselves when it hits the site within the next few days. Admittedly it should have been up and ready a couple of weeks ago, but everyone involved was sidetracked with work etc, but better late than never!
Thank you once more for paying a visit to the Casa. I anticipate your collective visits with vigour. Be sure to come back next week when I?ll be discussing the great out of shape wrestlers in history. Recommended viewing is anything Vader related.
In the meantime, email any fan/hate/love mail to firstname.lastname@example.org and I?ll do my utmost to reply to you. Or alternatively Twitter away at me at @JoeBaia. I?m Twitteriffic. Whatever the blue fuck that means.
Until next time,