Baiamonte’s Casa #20
Ciao! How the devil are you all? Can you believe it’s already the twentieth time I?m saying ciao to all of you? Those five months have flown by haven?t they? In that time I think Edge’s has ?opportunistically? added 45 World Title reigns to his resume.
Also in that time I have completed my University degree and will graduate with a 2:1. A thank you. Please feel free to email any congratulatory emails to email@example.com as I am extremely proud of my new BA Honours Degree in Journalism and Broadcasting. Joe Baiamonte: Bachelor of Arts, it’s got a fine ring to it.
So, in the spirit of all things celebratory, I?ve decided to host the very first ?Baiamonte’s Casa Alternative First Half of The Year Awards?!!! This is where I intend to celebrate the alternative side of wrestling achievement in the past six months. See, when you?re unemployed in a town full of illegal immigrants that will work for a packet of crackers and clean drinking water, you begin to think up weird shit like this.
THE EDGE AWARD FOR RACKING UP WORLD TITLE REIGNS IN THE MOST PREDICTABLY ?OPPORTUNISTIC? WAY POSSIBLE
Will creative ever allow this guy to just win a World Title in a normal manner? Sure, I was a huge fan of the way he won his first WWE Title from John Cena at New Year’s Revolution 2006. It was fresh and exciting, and even *gasp* unexpected. But now, three and a half years and nine World/WWE Title reigns later, does anyone even bat an eyelid when Edge’s music hits during or immediately after a Title bout? In the past six months alone he’s won two World Heavyweight Championships and a WWE Title with the aid of Matt Hardy, Vickie Guerrero and The Big Show.
Now, I understand that heels are expected to use questionable tactics in order to prevail a lot of the time, but the degree to which this tactic has been employed by creative when it comes to Edge is ridiculous. They?ve exhausted the character and they?ve exhausted it fast. I?d rather suck a queef than see an Edge Title reign in the next two years. The worrying thing is, CM Punk seems to be following this trend with his penchant for stealing Titles with the aid of the Money In The Bank briefcase. Remember when a guy would chase a Title for a long time before finally winning it? What the fuck happened to that?
THE ?MY BODY IS MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF BALSA WOOD? AWARD
Winner: Ken Kennedy
Is this the most frustrating award I?m going to give out tonight? Kennedy arrived on the scene in 2005 and looked to be equipped with a full set of tools. He had ?the look?, the charisma and wasn?t the worst in ring worker either. I can?t remember a wave of excitement surrounding a rookie in the same way as what surrounded Kennedy since maybe Brock Lesnar. Then came the injuries. One after another. I don?t know how one guy can be so prolific when it comes to needing surgery, but my bet is Kenney was actually Hitler in a past life and this is God’s way of repaying him. No one deserved that list of injuries Kennedy had to endure.
Ok, being involved in the Signature Pharmacy scandal set him back career wise as well, but had big Ken not spent so much time on the shelf you?ve got to feel he?d still be around today, sniffing around one of the World Titles, if not wearing one. If there’s a titanium skeleton on the market, I?d suggest Kenny save his pennies and buy the fucker so he can salvage his career. Dave Batista missed out on this award by a cunt hair.
THE ?LET?S THROW ENOUGH SHIT AT OUR SHOWS AND PRAY TO GOD THAT IT STICKS? AWARD
Winner: TNA (who else?)
So just the two King Of The Mountain matches tonight at Slammiversary then? A match, the concept of which can only be understood by ?TNA die ? hards or rocket scientists? according to Kurt Angle, that has been booked twice on the same show. When the WWE books two Elimination Chamber matches at No Way Out, they get away with it because the concept of that match is simple. Having some bizarre, five man reverse ladder match with time out boxes on once would make my brain ache for at least a day, so why book it twice? In fact TNA, just look at every single one of your PPV’s and TV broadcasts this year and ask yourself ?why?? Why have Samoa Joe maim Scott Steiner with a knife? Why have Scott Steiner and Petey Williams compete in a frigging ?Chainmail on a pole? match? Why have the main event of your last PPV have about a million different things on the line, rendering your World Title almost pointless? This promotion baffles me. Oh yeah, and they brought a video game character to life. Because turning former World Champ Abyss full retard wasn?t silly enough, obviously.
THE MOST CONVINCING TRANSVESTITE AWARD
Winner: Santino Marella ? for his portrayal of his twin sister Santina Marella
Who else? This guy puts Patterson and Briscoe’s drag queen efforts of 2000 to shame (not that they weren?t shameful enough mind you). I see people kick up a stink about this angle Santino is currently working, yet hardly anyone seems to be giving the guy credit for getting not one, but two characters over, at the same time. It’s not as if the guy’s a supreme in ring worker whose talent is being wasted with senseless drivel. Every wrestling roster needs a comedy act, no matter how obscure, and Santino/Santina provides the comedy in bucketloads. So what the ?Hog Pen? match with Vickie wasn?t a five star classic? Did it last for half an hour and deny a more deserving superstar a spot on the card? No. It acted as comic relief on a card full of high profile matches. The way some people have reacted to the match and the angle in general would make you think Santino had just declared war on all blacks, gays and Jews whilst at the same time rigging the Iranian election. It’s a guy, dressed as a woman, on a fucking wrestling show. Stop taking it so seriously.
THE ?I?M STILL EMPLOYED?? HOW?? AWARD
Winner(s): Curt Hawkins and Zach Ryder
I almost named this award the ?Bob Holly?. Seriously though, Sim Snuka was robbed here ladies and gentlemen. How dare those Stamford, Connecticut bastards rob him of his award? I almost had to look not twice, but thrice when I saw both of these guys were still under contract. How does that happen? I even understand Funaki having a job above these two. What have they ever done apart from look a bit like Edge in one match 18 months ago? If that qualifies you for a years worth of doing nothing and getting paid for it, then where do I sign? (Not that I look like Edge, I?m traditionally handsome whereas Mr.Copeland unfortunately has the eyes of a rapist. No offense if you?re reading Edge, because contrary to what this column may suggest, I am actually a big fan.) When I?m a Bachelor of the Arts and can?t find a job for love nor money, it sticks in my craw that these two are still somehow holding down a job. In the words of Gob Bluth? C?MON!!!!
And that, brothers and sisters, concludes part one of the Casa’s Alternative Half Year Awards. I didn?t want to drag it into a painfully long column, so I thought I?d save your eyes and bring you the awards in two bitesize chunks. So tuck in, but save some room for next week!
Until next time, arriverderci, and remember, any fan/hate/lusty mail can be sent to me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can follow my rugged good looks on Twitter at @JoeBaia. I really am marvelous.