Well, where do I start? I think I, like the majority of wrestling fans am still in a state of disbelief at the passing of the Japanese legend Mitsuharu Misawa. I can?t say I know much about Japanese wrestling, but I?d seen enough of Misawa to know he was a class apart. I sure as shit wouldn?t have liked to take a knife edge chop from him. Following the circumstances surrounding his death, I don?t think the world of Puroseau will ever be the same again. RIP Misawa. If St. Peter gives you any crap at the pearly gates, just Tiger Driver the shit out of him.
Now onto the Casa. This week I finally polished off the final series of the spectacular HBO crime drama The Wire. No, it’s not better than The Sopranos, alright? Nothing is and ever will be. Capish? However, it did get me wondering. If the WWE was run in a way that was identical to Baltimore, which superstars and members of staff would be the movers and shakers? Who?d be the hoppers and the gangbangers and who?d be the detail team? This is what I aim to find out over the course of this visit. Let’s make a start shall we. ?WHEN YOU WALK THROUGH THE GARDEN?. BETTER WATCH YO STEP!!!? You get the picture. And before I start, The Blind Boys of Alabama do the best version of the opening credit music.
Mayor: Vincent K. Mcmahon – Who else could it be apart from the McDaddy himself? In typical B?more politician fashion, Vinnie Mac would be a smooth talking, corrupt bastard out to make as much money as possible from whoever possible. Also, plenty of people, current employees including, hate Vince, much like plenty of people hate political authority figures in general. Nobody fits the bill better. Also, like Mayor Royce from the first four seasons of The Wire, Vince doesn?t mind dabbling into extra curricular activities women wise either. A perfect fit.
Police Commissioner: HHH ? Well, the mayor has to have ?his boy? running things beneath him doesn?t he? Again, like Burrell in The Wire, HHH has, rightly or wrongly depending on who you believe, a lot of detractors in his company. However, whereas the Mayor thinks he knows best, the commish will lend his ear to the people, even when he is unwilling to do so. He’s in amongst the troops, like Hunter, so sees problems at a ground level. Obviously though given his lofty position and kinship with the big guy (Mayor Mcmahon, not God) he can pull rank when he sees fit and piss a whole lot of people off in the process. Furthermore, like Burrell, HHH has his eyes on a greater prize than being the top dog on the roster and wants eventually to step into Vince’s shoes. However, a white mayor AND commissioner would obviously never fly in Baltimore, as Tommy Carcetti found out during his one season tenure. Hunter may have to load up on boot polish, but under no circumstances ever think it’s ok to say ?fo? shizzle? to appear African American. Cryme Tyme didn?t appreciate it in ?06 and no one will appreciate it now.
State Senator: Ron Simmons ? Clay Davis is black and has a catchphrase of ‘shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit?. Ron Simmons is black and a catchphrase of ?DAMN?. This one writes itself.
Major Crimes Unit: The Undertaker, William Regal, Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiase, Chris Jericho, Victoria ? Ok, that may look like a bizarre grouping of superstars to work major crimes, but allow me to explain. Taker will serve as the lieutenant, due to his superiority and ability to get things done. Regal, being British is my Mcnulty. Following this you have Rhodes and Dibiase who are essentially Herc and Carver. Two young pups who know how to throw down but often see events take a pear shaped turn for the worse and their lack of tact and intelligence often comes back to haunt them. Jericho is the brains of the operation, as he wears a suit nowadays and conveys intellect at every available opportunity in his promos. Working on a wiretap would definitely be the former Y2J’s strongsuit if he is as intelligent as he wants us to believe. Victoria, whilst no longer a WWE employee, isn?t far removed from being one and is a tough, street smart girl who isn?t phased by working in a male dominated environment, similar to Detective Greggs. See, told you I?d explain it. Not bad eh?
The Drugs Trade: Randy Orton, JBL, Cryme Tyme, MVP, Shelton Benjamin, R Truth ? Ok, before you check that name list out and say ‘so all the black workers are the drug runners? again allow me to explain. Orton’s my kingpin. My Avon Barksdale or Marlo Stanfield. The leader of the pack and a man who thrives off destroying lives, like Avon and Marlo do by trafficking heroin and coke across Baltimore. He is also obsessed with power and success, much like messrs Barksdale and Stanfield. JBL is effectively his Stringer Bell. He’s the business man in the partnership. Cryme Tyme are the muscle of the group and are assigned to perform hits on any rival gangs or state witnesses etc. They?ve already got the bullet proofs for the job. MVP, being a former Black Panther and jailbird will head up the corner boys. The first of which being ?The Gold Standard? Shelton Benjamin, who gets the gig for his athletic ability which will no doubt aid him in escaping police officers and avoiding bullet fire during shoot outs. Also, ?Gold Standard? sounds like the name of a drug brand that would be available on the B?more streets. R Truth finishes this posse off as he’s a loudmouth who?ll work well selling his wares, although he may need to add words other than ?What’s? and ?up? to his vocabulary.
The ?connect?: Mark Henry ? Solely for the fact that he looks like the character of ?Proposition Joe?. I?m also sure if Henry wanted to bring in some great product from N?Orleans he could do at the drop of a hat. I sure as shit wouldn?t tell him no.
Stick up boy: Rey Mysterio ? Ok, so Rey’s not as fierce as Omar, but he’s the eternal good guy just like Omar, and cannot stand any injustice, no matter how trivial. Also, you?ve got the element of surprise with Rey like with Omar. No one’s going to expect a Mexican dwarf to rob them, much like in The Wire, where Avon is stunned that his stash has been stoled by a homosexual, in their macho world of tough guy gangsters. Also, with his variety of masks, Rey has the in built advantage of being able to disguise himelf in a whole host of manners to escape retaliation from those he’s hit.
So is this a Baltimore you?d like to see on screen? Do you think Vinnie Mac and his band of men could provide a more entertaining hour of television than Idris Elba and Dominic West? If you have any suggestions for which roles superstars could play, or you just want to give me some feedback, feel free to send me one of those electric letters at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or, if you?re the type who likes to talk to me in 140 characters and under, follow my arse on Twitter at @JoeBaia. I?m bloody hilarious!
Anyway, until next time, watch as much Misawa as you can. He has a body of work which should be required viewing for any wrestling fan.