Ciao! Let me just start by saying I?m typing this week’s edition from the (dis)comfort of my sick bed. Man flu has took over in a big way. My glands in my throat have swollen so it feels like I?m choking on a pair of cow balls and my entire body is aching. I won?t begin to tell you about the diarrhea. So spare a though for me. It’s no fun spending a beautiful Summer’s day in bed. Although having my Mum wait on me hand and foot has taken me back to my school day’s when I was sick and she?d keep me in ice cream, soup and lemonade until I was fighting fit again.
However, I may be sick, but I?m never too sick for a laugh, and a guy named Fred Ortiz provided me with a hearty laugh this past week with an email he sent me in response to last week’s Diva column. Obviously Mr.Ortiz is an Ashley Massaro fan (yeah, they exist), and he didn?t take too kindly to some of my criticisms of her last week.
Tell me, did you come up with those immature, iditoic and flat out tasteless little digs at Ashley Massaro yourself or did you have help? I bet you’re the type of guy who actually bought a Chris Benoit ‘Hang In There’ t-shirt.
Firstly, did I have help with those comments? What, do you think I have a team of writer’s that helps me with this column? It’s not a sitcom Fred. I have also seen the email you sent my fellow WrestleView columnist Anthony Valvo after he made some derogatory remarks about Ms.Massaro. So do you spend your days trawling the internet for Ashley Massaro critics to email? Are you her knight in shining armour? Or are you perhaps a tad obsessive? As for the Benoit t shirt, no I don?t own one, however I can get one printed and email you a picture of me wearing it if that?ll make you feel better. Maybe I?ll be reaming a blow up Ashley Massaro doll at the same time just to keep you happy. Although I?ve not seen any of those in the shops round my way, so would I be ok to borrow yours?
Anyway, idiot baiting aside, I?ve got a column to write, illness or not. It is perhaps apt that I have chosen this topic because as of the time of typing, it’s exactly an hour until TNA Sacrifice goes live. How is this topic apt I hear you cry? Because it’s about gimmick matches we have yet to see, and you know how TNA creative has an everlasting chubby for all things gimmick matches.
You may think it would be hard to possibly think up a gimmick match we have yet to see. I mean between the mainstream promotions and the backyard feds, pretty much every base has been covered right? I bet you all thought that before Sting and Abyss faced off in that graveyard match when the loser was strapped to a ?death bed? or whatever the hell it was called and raised to the ceiling. Me personally? I thought I?d seen it all before Scott Steiner and Petey Williams faced off in THE gayest gimmick match in Christendom, the dreaded?. CHAINMAIL ON A POLE MATCH!
It’s matches like these mentioned above which give me reason to believe that there’s a whole host of gimmicks and stipulations we?ve yet to see attached to a wrestling match. So I?m going to go ahead and list the gimmick matches I think we have the biggest likelihood of seeing introduced within the next few years. TNA creative are readying their mansize tissues as we speak.
1) ?First wrestler to execute a thousand different moves wins? match ? This one is going to take the indie’s by storm I can guarantee you. I mean, let’s face it, unless you know how to execute 478 different versions of a suplex or 340 variations of a powerbomb or moonsault, you?re no wrestler. Someone should have told the likes of Ric Flair, Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan this. Seriously, nothing amuses me more than seeing some indie fanboy smark mess his trousers over some circus act but then proclaim guys like Randy Orton and John Cena are terrible because ?THEY?VE GOT N0 M0VEZZZ!!!111!!!? Never mind the fact they?re hugely over in the biggest company in the world with big money pushes behind them. Following the ?First to a thousand moves? match (which by the way, would be a six hour epic), both competitors will have to take two years out to heal their career threatening injuries they sustained ?FOR THA GUD OF THA BIZ!!!?
2) ?Underwater Cage Match? ? The idea is simple and brilliant. Suspend a caged ring underwater and have each competitor try and escape before the air in their oxygen tank runs out. A variation of this would be to make it a ?First Blood? match as well, with a shark or piranhas circling the cage as the loser has 20 seconds to escape before they get chewed to bits. Brutal, ridiculous, and glorious.
3) ?Drunk Match? ? Ok, so this could apply to a whole host of Scott Hall matches, but it’s actually a hugely entertaining idea. We?ve all seen hilarious drunken bar fights in the past, so why not load up a couple of guys, maybe some lesser workers more suited to a hardcore style, spread some rumours between the two and let them go at it. If either guy looks like they might sober up, emergency injections of vodka, rum and absinthe will be available around the ringside area. The night after, both guys would meet again in a ?Hangover from Hell? match, which would be equally as good, albeit with lots of vomit involved. The winner of that match can choose any form of junk food they wish to soak up the previous night’s alcohol.
4) ?Reverse Match? ? So TNA ?treated? us to the ?reverse battle royale? well now here’s the next step. A match where everything has to be executed in reverse. The match begins at the end and works it’s way back to the entrances. The guy who confuses the crowd the most wins. This is the match I am fully expecting me to get a following on Twitter off Russo for, or at least a message on Facebook or Myspace.
5) ?Don West on a Pole? match ? The winner gets to beat the crap out of him for as long as they want.
Right, so there you are Casa ites. Another surreal list of predictions for the future of wrestling. Sorry if this visit to the Casa hasn?t been up to it’s usual lofty standards, but the combination of man flu and a million different type of antibiotics has left me a bit ?Kurt Angle?d? if I?m honest. Trying to type between extreme temperature changes and losses of breath is no easy feat let me tell you. But hopefully next week I?ll be fighting fit and ready to knock your fucking socks off with a spellbinding piece of wrestling journalism.
As of yet, next week’s Casa topic is TBA, but I think that just makes it all the more exciting! Oooooooooooooooooo!!!
Until next time Casa ites (I almost went with ?Casanovas? until I remembered what it meant. Luck break there.) it’s arriverderci from you?re favourite potential swine flu victim.