Ciao! You know, I?ve always been superstitious when it comes to the number 13. I?m one of the many who regard it as bad luck, and can I just say it has more than proved itself to be just that this past two days.
The events of the past two days have not so much bordered on farcical, but rather ripped farcical a new arsehole and given it a whole new definition. Try having your laptop freeze and refuse to unfreeze even after being switched off. Imagine having your 13th weekly column saved on there with no way of getting it off in time to meet your deadline. Then imagine realizing on the evening of May 3rd that your radio feature project for university, one of your most important and difficult pieces of work, is in fact due in for the 5th of May and not the 15th like you first thought. Not unlucky enough for you? How about having to then get a taxi into town today (because buses were on a bank holiday schedule!) and search incessantly for a homeless person to interview for your project on homelessness in the city of Manchester. Still not good enough? How about the first two homeless people you come across not being able to speak English? How about the third one being on the biggest crack cocaine come down in history? I struck lucky fourth time round somehow, although I had to buy the guy a McDonald’s (which, surprise surprise, was out of vanilla milkshake, which is what I wanted).
So here I am, eyes like saucers, at eight minutes past four on the morning of May 5th, 2009, needing to be awake in four hours in order to return my recording equipment to the utilities department of my University before handing my work in and embarking of a day of commuting between Manchester and my hometown of Burnley as I furiously sort out birthday arrangements for the missus? 21st. I?d like to see Obama deal with this kind of pressure.
So that brings me to the topic of today’s column. Originally scheduled to be on blade jobs and where they ranked on the infamous ?Muta Scale?, I?ve decided to change the subject and talk about wrestlers who can?t help but be shit out of luck.
The first guy I think is worth mentioning when it comes to luck is Mr.Kennedy. Here’s a guy who’s body is without a doubt made of glass. Debuts in 2005 too much acclaim from the IWC and casual fans alike, and begins to make quite the impression. Just a few short months into his WWE main roster tenure however, he’s struck down by injury for the best part of seven months. The next Summer, Kennedy makes his triumphant return to SmackDown, and engages in a feud with The Undertaker. Everyone’s lapping the feud up. Kennedy’s proven to be sensational on the mic, even delivering one of the year’s finest promo’s where he continuously caved Taker’s skull in with his patented microphone. Add to this two PPV victories over The Deadman and you?ve got a young superstar who’s stock is rising at an astronomic rate. Kennedy then put on a good showing against Batista as he earned his first PPV World Title match at the Rumble in ?07, before being the guy to be crowned the third Mr.Money In The Bank.
Kennedy made a promise to cash the briefcase in at the next year’s WrestleMania. Only injury struck again, meaning creative decided to hotshot the briefcase to Edge, as Kennedy’s injury was deemed too serious to be able to keep him on TV whilst he recovered. However, his supposed six ? eight month lay off never matieralised, and as it happens, big blonde Ken only missed a couple of months, but by that time his briefcase and Title shot had gone and Edge was now sporting the World Title gold that by rights should have been Kennedy’s after Taker had to drop the title through an injury of his own.
Wanting to make it up to him, creative mapped out a storyline where Kennedy would be revealed to be Vince Mcmahon’s bastard child. A major push coupled with a potential feud with HHH and maybe even a World Title run were all on the horizon for Ken, until he gets busted in the Signature Pharmacy scandal for purchasing steroids online. The peroxide fuck up. Did I mention this scandal came right after the guy went on record and said he didn?t do steroids and everyone who did was an idiot? And no prizes for guessing where the guy has spent the majority of the past year. Right back on the treatment table with his third major injury in as many years. Old school Mark Henry would be proud.
Pretty sure I just heard birds cheeping outside. Between that last paragraph and this one I had a 15 minute power nap as well. The casa is running on fumes it must be said. Talk about unlucky, it’s the first Wrestling News Live on WrestleView since the VIP membership launch and the server has crashed so no fucker can tune in. Victims of our own popularity on this site.
I also think whilst we?re on the topic of unlucky events in wrestling, can any of us look past Vince ?power strut? Mcmahon blowing not one, but BOTH of his quads whilst simply ENTERING THE RING at the Royal Rumble 2005. You know you?re important when the power of your strut causes your legs to explode.
Of course, Jeff Hardy couldn?t catch a break at the beginning of last year either. All set for the Money In The Bank briefcase when he failed a drugs test and lost his Title reign until his one month reign of terror through December. To add insult to injury, his house then burned down with his dog inside. It doesn?t rain but it pours. Ironically had it poured Jeff might still have had some of his house left and his pooch would have been getting pumped for the Westminster Dog Show.
And that Casa fans, unluckily for you, is that. That’s all I can takes and I can?t takes no more, as that stroke victim cum sailor with the ?roided out arms used to say. What can I say? You?ve caught me on the mother of all bad days and my hands now resemble claws and my head is spinning worse than Ricky Hatton’s. But rest assured, next week, normal service will be resumed as I present to you? ?THE MUTA SCALE? in all it’s bloody glory. Required viewing is the same as last week, i.e. watch as many violent matches as possible and try not to be too disturbed by them.
If you want to email me to rant some shit in my general online direction then my email address is email@example.com.
Until next time Casa uns, arriverderci!