Are you ready? Then stop questioning your heart and join me, because it is time for Monday Night RAW!
The show kicks off with a very bandaged Batista making his way out to the ring. He is helped out by two referees. Once in the ring, they place him in a wheel chair and he tells them to get lost. Batista then calls for a microphone, and his spotlight. Batista says that last night he said the two words he never thought that he would, “I Quit”. Batista says that the reason he said those two words is because his life was being threatened by John Cena. Batista goes further and says that he is considering filing a lawsuit against John Cena, as well as the rest of the WWE Universe for supporting the actions at the PPV last night.
Batista says that the ways in which he has fought John Cena are not the way that Championship matches should be played. Batista says that he believes in honor. Batista says that he may be out for quite some time, but when he comes back he will be stronger than ever. Batista demands a rematch!
Justin Roberts voice is heard in the arena, and he announces that he was just given word to announce the NEW General Manager of WWE RAW. It is WWE Hall of Famer… Bret “Hitman” Hart!
Bret’s music hits, and the new GM makes his way down to the ring. He says that a new sheriff is in town. Bret says that if Batista wants a match against Cena, then he must compete tonight and try to qualify for the Championship match at the Fatal Four Way PPV! He says that he knows Batista is injured, so his opponent he is facing will be as well. It is Batista v. Randy Orton tonight!!
Batista refuses and says that if Bret makes that match then he will quit the whole company! Bret says fine, and announces that as a result of a forfeit, Randy Orton has qualified for the Fatal Four Way PPV! Bret’s music hits and he walks out. Batista still has the microphone and is furious. Batista says he wasn’t joking. Batista yells to the audience that this company will go bankrupt without him, people will get bored and stop watching. Batista screams “I Quit”. Batista gets up to the leave the ring as the crowd chants, “Na, Na, Na, Na, Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye”. The referees wheel him out to the back in his wheelchair as we head to our first commercial break.
Fatal Four Way Qualifying Match
Mark Henry v. Sheamus
The match starts with Mark Henry taking the advantage via his massive size. Henry repeatedly throws Sheamus down to the mat, and then to the outside. Back in the ring, Sheamus is able to lock on an arm hold. Sheamus releases and sets in with a series of shoulder blocks. Henry comes right back with a head butt. Sheamus is able to shake it off, and takes Henry down to the mat with another arm lock.
Henry uses his strength to fight him off and connects with a couple of punches. Sheamus kicks him in the gut, but then finds himself thrown to the mat as a result of a clothesline. Henry hits a splash and goes for the cover. Sheamus kicks out. The Irish star gets back to his feet. He hits his huge pump kick on Mark Henry. It looks as though Henry’s shoulder is still up, but the referee counts the three anyway.
Winner via Pump Kick: Sheamus
This means that John Cena, Randy Orton & Sheamus have qualified for the Fatal Four Way match, with one slot left to fill.
In the back, tonight’s guest host Jon Lovitz is in his office. He is on the phone with Mr. McMahon and is attempting to buy 10% of the company. He leaves when Maryse comes into the office. She says she has a shirt to show him. Lovitz says that he has a new submission move to try out. It looks to be a a pinch. He says he taught it to Santino. Can’t wait to see that in action. He says something to Maryse in French and mentions he has a lot of money and asks if she is interested. She seems to be, but he tells her that he is not! Ok, I’ve no idea what just happened.
Bret Hart is in his office talking to Edge. Edge doesn’t’ want to have to qualify for the F4W (Fatal Four Way) Match. Bret tells him he has to qualify. Edge says he should have to face an injured opponent just like Batista would have faced. Jericho walks into his office, and says that HE should be in the match.
Hart finds the logical middle ground. Tonight it will be Jericho v. Edge v. Cena! If either Edge or Jericho win, they will qualify for the F4W match, if they lose, Hart will find another contender. Both accept, and Edge says that tonight he will prove that he is a better Champion, and Canadian, than either of them! Jericho warns Hart to stay on his good side. He says that if he doesn’t, he’ll make Hart regret ever taking this job.
Gail Kim & Eve v. Maryse & Alicia Fox
The match starts with Gail and Alicia in the ring. Gail takes the quick advantage so Alicia heads to the corner to get Maryse into the mat. Maryse is able to ground Kim in the middle of the ring. This is short lived as Gail is able to tag Eve into the match. Eve comes in with all cylinders firing, and connects with a neck breaker. Maryse kicks out of the pin attempt. Eve hits a very nice standing moonsault, and goes for another pin. Alicia Fox runs in to make the save. Things get hectic for a couple of moments, and we are left with Maryse and Eve in the ring. Maryse hits the French Kiss DDT for the win.
Winners via French Kiss: Maryse & Alicia Fox
Bret Hart has vacated the United States Championship that he won last week on RAW. As a result, R-Truth and The Miz will now battle for the vacant Title!
United States Championship
R-Truth v. The Miz
Before the match, R-Truth enters with his signature rap. The Miz is next out and comes out and says that he will regain what never should have been taken from him. Because “I’m The Miz, and I’m Awesome!”.
The match starts with the two squaring off in the middle of the ring. Miz backs him into the corner, and then throws him down to the mat. R-Truth is not going to let this last, as he connects with a couple of slaps and a nice roll up. Miz kicks out and rolls out of the ring as we head to commercial.
We come back from commercial and it looks as though The Miz is in full control. It seems as though the commercial break was a very dire time for R-Truth. The Miz has been working hard on the shoulder of Truth. Miz goes for the cover, but Truth kicks out. Miz hits a nice suplex off the second rope that is reminiscent of a German, but R gets back to his feet.
Truth takes to the turnbuckle and hits a missile dropkick. Miz kicks out of the cover. Both men are on their feet, and Miz tries to whip Truth into the corner. R counters and connects with a reverse stroke. R-Truth heads to the top rope. Truth connects with a crossbody, but Miz rolls through and goes for the cover! Truth barely kicks out.
Miz is all fired up and sets in with the punches. Miz connects with an inverted backbreaker, but then gets caught with a sliding roll up. Miz kicks out. Truth tries for a schoolboy, but Miz kicks out again. Miz is whipped into the ropes and then gets kicked in the gut. R goes for the scissor kick, but Miz ducks out. R-Truth doesn’t allow the moment to distract him. He hits with the Lie Detector and wins the United States Championship!!
Winner via Lie Director: R-Truth
NEW United States Champion
In the back, John Cena cuts a promo putting over his win against Batista at last night’s PPV.
Tonight’s guest host Jon Lovitz is escorted out the ring by who else? The Bella Twins. He struggles to get into the ring, and they have to help him roll in. It looks like we are in store for a Jon Lovitz Superstar Search. He takes a seat and says that he has more power than ANYONE in the WWE right now.
Up first, singing “Putting on the Ritz” is The Great Khali and his handler. Oh my, they are in full tuxedos with canes and everything. They don’t get too far before Lovitz hits the buzzer.
Jillian Hall comes out next, and she doesn’t even get to sing anything before he buzzes her! Lovitz stands up and says that he thinks this is a big waste of time looking for secret talents from the WWE Superstars. Sure, they are great in the ring, but for the real talent, maybe he should look to the audience!
Lovitz calls someone in from the audience wearing a Santino shirt. His name is Joe. He says his talent is that he can pull his eye out of his skull. Lovitz gives him the ok…
Well, yes he did in fact pull his eye out of socket. I believe it was a glass eye. Ted Dibiase’s music hits and he and Virgil make their way down to the ring. He comes into the ring, and says that he wants the eyeball. The guy says that he won’t sell him the eyeball. Dibiase says that if he can’t buy it, then he’ll beat him up and take it from him! Joe still refuses.
Santino’s music hits. Santino makes his way out to the ring, and says that he is working on the pinch all day long. He says that he is going to apply this technique onto Virgil! Lovitz says it takes years to practice and perfect. Lovitz shows him how it works by using it on Virgil! He then tells Santino to use it on Ted Dibiase. Needless to say, it didn’t quite work out. Dibiase hits Dream Street on Santino. Lovitz says that as a result, Dibiase wins the talent search.
The Hart Dynasty v. William Regal & Kozlov
The match starts out with some quick back and forth action. Smith is brought into the ring with Kozlov. Tyson runs into the ring and hits the Hart Attack for the quick victory.
Winners via Hart Attack: The Hart Dynasty
After the match, a team comes into the ring. It is a female and two male wrestlers. The knock out the Hart Dynasty and lay all three members in the middle of the ring. They each take to a turnbuckle, and all three hit frog splashes in unison. The commentators are left asking “who was that”, as we head to commercial.
Josh Mathews is in the back and introduces all four of the remaining NXT contestants, and asks each who they think will be eliminated. Gabriel, Wade and Otunga all say Heath Slater. Hearth says that he would eliminate “C-List” Otunga.
We head out to the commentators and Jerry Lawler asks Cole how he can just ignore what happened last week on NXT. Cole says he won’t address it, but King says he will! We see video of Daniel Bryan attacking him last week! This includes Bryan calling Cole a “poor man’s excuse for JR”.
Cole says that it has been a rough week. He has endured physical and mental trauma. Cole says that he has met with his lawyers, and he is going to call Daniel out tomorrow night on NXT and demand an apology. If he doesn’t, then he will sue him for everything he is worth.
In the back, Jericho and Edge are talking about their match tonight against Cena.
Fatal Four Way Qualifying Match
John Cena v. Edge v. Chris Jericho
A couple of fast reversals are hit before a real quick commercial break.
We come back and it appears as though Edge and Jericho are double teaming the WWE Champion. This quickly fades away as Edge tries a sneaky roll up on Jericho. Chris kicks out and they connect with stereo clotheslines. Jericho throws Edge to the outside. Cena goes for a shoulder block, but Jericho moves out of the way. Chris pushes John into the corner, and then applies his boot to Cena’s face.
Jericho takes a moment to taunt the crowd, before kicking Cena in the gut. He puts John up into the air for a vertical suplex. He goes for the cover, but Cena kicks out. Jericho locks on a headlock. Cena uses hi strength to lift Jericho up, and looks to be going for the FU. Jericho counters into a DDT. Jericho goes for the cover, but Cena kicks out. Edge tries to run into the ring, but Jericho knocks him right back out.
Cena is now standing in the corner, and Jericho comes charging after. Cena counters and Chris goes shoulder first into the turnbuckle. Cena then sets up for the five moves of doom. Cena hits the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. He lifts Jericho up for the FU, but Chris counters out. Edge comes in an spears Jericho! Cena then puts Edge into the STF.
Holy Cow, everything is going crazy here. Jericho locks on the Walls on Cena, then on Edge. Cena breaks that hold and lifts Jericho for the FU. Edge hits a spear. Jericho with another Walls. The crowd is going wild. Jericho hits an enziguiri on Edge, but gets kicked by Cena. Jericho hits the Code Breaker on Cena, but then gets hit with another spear from Edge! Edge picks up the victory and becomes the 4th and final entry into the RAW F4W match.
Winner via Spear: Edge
After the match, Sheamus out to the ramp and started to stare down Edge and Cena. Right at the close of the show, Orton’s music hits. All four men are now in a dramatic line as the tensions are high for the F4W PPV!
Well, RAW started off with two HUGE announcements on this fine evening. First, Batista quits the WWE. I have known about this for quite some time, but was not exactly sure when it would go down. I actually think that it was handled pretty well. I have to give Batista credit for not being afraid to do it in character and as part of a storyline. I believe that his actions display his strength as a company player, and should not be ignored.
The other huge announcement is what I thought would happen. Bret Hart is the new General Manager of RAW! I love the entire play through of the Bret Hart storyline. Honestly, I have to take my hat off here to my former co-host on the WrestleView Radio Network. Back when I was doing my first audio show for the WrestleView Radio Network, I was on the show Plugged In. The show’s host “JJ Sexay” literally called this entire storyline. He hit every point from Hart’s Wrestlemania match, to The Hart Dynasty winning the Unified Tag Team belts, to the ultimate culmination of Hart becoming the General Manager! I can’t say that I am disappointed. Even though I did not have the foresight to predict this all as accurately as he did, I am thrilled with the results! I think that Bret is going to be a lot of fun to have as the GM. Oh and to be blunt, I would probably be bleeding from my eyes and ears if Vickie Guerrero had somehow taken this position. It’s going to be a fun summer.
I’m starting to feel kind of bad for Mark Henry. They need to book him like the monster that he is at heart! The problem I have is that I know Henry can be a contender. His tenure on ECW proved that. I’m not advocating for him to be Champion, I just believe that he needs to win a couple matches here and there or else his role as a jobber is completely pointless.
I’m not surprised that R-Truth won the US Championship tonight. Honestly, I’m pretty happy. I think he is a great talent, and there is no denying the fact that he is over like crazy with the crowd. A report over the weekend did state that the WWE was looking for a couple of black superstars that they could push, and I think that R-Truth is, and should be, at the very top of the list. What can I say? I’m a sucker for all of the crazy spins that he does in the ring.
The Jon Lovitz thing was just such a waste of time in the ring tonight. Not even the Great Khali could save it for me tonight. It just felt really awkward. As a side note, why do they keep booking the Bella Twins as the Village bicycles? I swear, they make it seem like EVERY guest host has ridden them. I mean, come on, this is getting old. It’s not like they are even the most attractive Divas in the company. The guest hosts deserve better! (Oh, did you think I was going to be making a case for the Bella Twins getting booked better? Yeah, not so much)
Seriously, who the hell was that Samoan group that attacked the Hart Dynasty?
Is it bad that by and far the best thing on NXT tomorrow night is going to be the confrontation between Daniel Bryan & Michael Cole? Go figure that even after being voted off, Bryan is STILL the only reason I care about that show.
The ending of RAW was pretty straightforward. I’ll tell you what. It was an interesting night. The first 15 minutes were incredibly strong. The show kept that momentum for a bit, but really fell apart with the Jon Lovitz segment. Not even the main event was able to bring the show back to its high point of the beginning, BUT it was still all in all a pretty entertaining show.
Send me some e-mails, and have a safe week everyone!
So that’s RAW…. Love it? Hate it? Disagree with everything I said? Just want to chat wrestling? I’m always up for reading your thoughts and do my absolute best to reply to every message I get. Send them over to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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