Are you ready? Then stop questioning your heart and join me, because it’s time for Monday Night RAW!!!
Kane’s music hits and red pyro silences the arena. Kane makes his way down to the ring and grabs a microphone. He says that the audience is full of people who wake up to spouses they don’t like, and go to jobs that can’t stand. Kane says that their lives are full of hate. They have filled their hearts with the lies of hope, just like John Cena. Kane says that Cena represents hope and success, everything the audience hopes to achieve. But, they will never find success. Kane says that when the crowd chants, “Cena Sucks”, what they are really saying, is that they suck! Kane says that the hate is festering inside of them like a bubbling cauldron. The fans may think they that are decent people, but they are filled with hate. Cheering for an underdog may make the fans feel better, but they are still empty inside. Look at Zack Ryder, the fans made him a star, but that proves nothing. Kane says that last week he almost destroyed Ryder, that vessel of the fans cheers. Kane continues to espouse the message of hate, but John Cena has had enough.
Cena’s music hits and he runs down to the ring. Cena begins to attack Kane and they brawl their way out onto the ramp and then into the crowd. The fisticuffs continue as they make their way into the backstage area. Kane throws Cena into the wall, and they wind up in the loading zone for the trucks. Cena appears to regain the upper hand, but Kane throws him shoulder first into some steel pipes. Cena finds himself laid out as we head to commercial.
Jinder Mahal & Wade Barrett v. Sheamus & Santino
Santino and Jinder start the match. Jinder takes control and tags in Barrett. Wade takes Santino to the mat for a quick cover. Santino kicks out. Wade locks on a side headlock. Santino makes his way to his feet, but is whipped hard into the corner. Wade goes for the cover, but Santino kicks out. Jinder gets the tag. Santino fights his way free and tags in Sheamus. Jinder falls victim to the Brogue Kick. Instead of going for the cover, Sheamus tags in Santino. It’s cobra time! Jinder is out cold, and this match is over!
Winners: Sheamus & Santino
The Miz is with John Laurinaitis and David Otunga in the back. Miz is still furious that R-Truth has not been taken care of. John says that he has far too many things on his plate to deal with at the moment. Besides, Laurinaitis isn’t worried about Little Jimmy, because he is Big Johnny! Laurinaitis takes out his cell phone and sends a text to end the segment.
Edge is announced as an inductee for the 2012 Hall of Fame!
Zack Ryder is in the back and is on the phone with his dad. He sounds worried about Kane. Eve walks into the shot. Ryder asks her out, and after a bit of hesitation, she agrees! Eve says that Zack will have to wait until after her match with Beth Phoenix tonight. As they walk away, a red light appears from under an opening door. Kane creeps his way out, and then closes the door.
Daniel Bryan v. Kofi Kingston
They exchange arm bars. Kofi kicks Bryan in the jaw, and then follows with a springboard crossbody! Bryan kicks out of the cover. Kofi looks for the Trouble in Paradise, but Bryan dodges. Bryan is whipped into the corner, but flips free. Kofi flies out with a crossbody, but Bryan catches his arm and applies the LeBelle Lock! This match is over!
Winner via LeBelle Lock: Daniel Bryan
After the match Daniel Bryan begins to celebrate. The Big Show’s music hits and he makes his way down to the ring. Bryan has a mic and says that he hates the way that the World Title match ended on Smackdown. The Title is too prestigious for DQ endings. Bryan says he will give Show a match any time that he wants. Show announces that Teddy Long has made a No DQ, No Countout, Title Match for Smackdown!
In the back, Zack Ryder is brushing his teeth in the bathroom. In the mirror we see a brief reflection of Kane. Unsure of what he has seen, a spooked Ryder leaves the bathroom.
Justin Roberts provides a grand introduction for the man from Planet Funk, The Funkasaurus himself, Brodus Clay! He comes out to the ring with two dancers, and performs a funky routine to get the crowd going.
Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins
Hawkins gets behind Clay, which cause Clay to shimmy his buttocks against him. Curt is sent towards the corner, and hit with a splash. Brodus follows with a huge standing splash into a cover. This match is over.
Winner via The Power of Funk: Brodus Clay
After the match, the dancing continues.
In the back, The Miz is talking with Primo & Epicho along with Rosa Mendes. He is looking for protection from R-Truth, but they aren’t interested. CM Punk walks up to the Miz, doesn’t say a word, and laughs his way down the corridor.
Jack Swagger w/ Vickie Guerrero & Dolph Ziggler v. CM Punk
John Laurinaitis comes out with a microphone before the match starts. He reminds the fans that in three weeks he is the special guest referee in the Title match between Punk and Ziggler. John says to prove that he will be fair and impartial, if Punk defeats Swagger tonight, then Swagger and Vickie will be banned from ringside for that match! Also, Dolph will be in action against John Cena tonight!
Punk takes off his shirt, and this match is underway. Swagger hits a takedown, but Punk gets back to his feet. The exchange blows back and forth. Punk slams Swagger to the mat and heads to the top rope. Punk is looking for the elbow, but Swagger rolls out of the ring.
Swagger gets back in the ring and begins the onslaught. The referee pulls him off Punk. Swagger whips Punk into the ropes, which results in a springboard crossbody from the Champion. Swagger kicks out of the cover. Punk is brought to the mat with a toe hold, but Punk rolls onto his back to counter and free himself. Swagger attacks the leg, and hits a shoulder block. Punk is on the mat, and caught in an inverted Nelson. Punk tries to escape, but is caught in a roll up. Punk kicks out of the cover.
Swagger gets right back behind Punk, and then throws him out of the ring. Laurinaitis stops Ziggler from interfering on the outside. Punk gets back in the ring, and throws Swagger out. Punk charges towards the ropes, and hits a suicide dive!
Back from the break, Swagger is in control. Punk is dropped with a shoulder block. Cover, but Punk kicks out. Punk is punched repeatedly in the back. Punk responds with a couple of kicks and flying dropkick! Punk hits a neckbreaker and then gets back to his feet. Punk charges towards the corner and hits a high knee. Swagger picks Punk up and throws him to the mat. Swagger hits his second rope Senton. Cover, but Punk kicks out. Swagger tries for the move again, but this time Punk moves out of the way. Punk goes for a springboard, but Swagger catches him and slams him hard. Cover, but Punk kicks out.
They exchange counters with Punk missing a roundhouse and getting slammed. Cover, but Punk kicks out. Swagger puts Punk up on the top rope, but Punk head butts him down to the mat. Punk is up top and looks for the elbow. It’s a shot straight to the heart, and this match is over!
Winner via Elbow Drop: CM Punk
It looked like Swagger’s shoulder was up at 2 ½, but the match is called in favor of Punk. The replay shows that Swagger did appear to have his shoulder up.
In the back, John Cena is with Zack Ryder. Ryder is thanking him for the help in getting a Title match and also with his help against Kane last week. Cena tells him that hi Twitter handle passed The Miz’s this week, putting him in the top five for WWE Superstars. Ryder looks around nervously, but this time Kane doesn’t seem to appear.
In the back, the Bella Twins are talking to Ricardo Rodriguez. The Miz walks up and asks Ricardo to go to the ring and draw out R-Truth. He wants him to say the most offensive things he can think of to call out Truth. The Miz will do the rest. Ricardo agrees, after Miz threatens to hurt him if he doesn’t comply.
The Four Horsemen are announced as inductees into the 2012 Hall of Fame!
Ricardo Rodriguez is in the ring and he starts to make fun of R-Truth. He begins to insult everything from his breath to his mother! Much to Ric’s chagrin, Truth comes down to the ring. Truth has no idea why Ricardo wants to pick a fight with him, because Truth is the good guy. He’s not a bad man. He’s a good R-Truth. Truth asks the crowd if he should let Ricardo go. Uh-oh, Little Jimmy doesn’t think much of Ricardo! Little Jimmy wants Truth to turn him into a human piñata. Ricardo calls for Miz. Truth says Ricardo is freaking out, and asks him to sing a song. He starts, but Little Jimmy wants him to do it from the diaphragm. Ricardo ultimately complies; he even throws in a remix! Truth wants it again! Ricardo knocks the mic out of his hand for some misguided reason. Truth decks him, and Miz appears out of nowhere! Miz knees him in the face. Truth regains the upper hand, so Miz flees through the crowd.
Chris Jericho’s music hits and he frolics his way down to the ring. He takes his time to once again soak up the reaction from the crowd. With mic in hand, Jericho is finally ready to speak. Jericho looks as though he is about to cry. Jericho leans against the ropes and it is becoming more and more obvious that he is faking his emotions. Jericho puts down the microphone and cries his way up the entrance ramp. He gives the fans thumbs up with tears in his eyes as we head to commercial.
Eve Torres makes her way down to the ring for her match. Instead of her opponent appearing, Kane’s music hits. Zack Ryder runs down to the ring to make the save and they head into the back. Kane never appears. Zack puts Eve in his car, but the tire is flat. Zack gets out the spare and tries to change the tire without even jacking it up. A panicked Eve pleads for him to hurry.
Back from the break, Zack Ryder is still trying to change his tire.
Dolph Ziggler v. John Cena
Cena lifts Ziggler up and drops him to his feet. Coming out of the corner, Ziggler is caught in a drop toe hold. Ziggler escapes and begins to stomp on Cena. Ziggler applies a rear headlock. Ziggler transfers into a bridge, and then a headstand. Ziggler hits a side slam. Cena charges, but misses. Ziggler does a couple of sit ups, but misses his elbow. Cena hits a shoulder block and it’s time for the 5 moves of doom. Cena looks for the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, but wait!
On the Titantron, we again see Zack Ryder and Eve Torres. Kane appears, and starts to go after Zack.
Ziggler jumps on the back of the distracted Cena. Kane takes Ryder and chokeslams him off the loading platform! Ziggler is on Cena’s back on the outside. Cena drops him back first into the steel steps! Cena runs from the ring to offer assistance to the Long Island Iced Z. Both men are counted out.
Kane punches Cena and then starts to smother him with his fist. Cena is passed out on the loading dock.
Hell of a promo by Kane to open the show. Aww yeah, kicking off the recap with a lame joke about Kane and hell, that’s how I roll! The promo was solid, and actually made his feud with Cena make a teensy bit more sense. I’m especially glad that John Cena didn’t cut another promo about it being okay for the fans to boo him. Thanks for the reprieve!
Jinder Mahal & Wade Barrett v. Sheamus & Santino – nothing too special out of this match. I’m really not a big fan of Jinder Mahal, and I’m still not seeing his potential. Granted, he does appeal to a specific demographic, but is that really enough to keep him under contract? There are better sports entertainers in the world that can fill his roster position. Truth.
Daniel Bryan/Kofi Kingston – short but fun match. I know that the Daniel Bryan storyline is kept mostly to Smackdown, but I have to say that I really am enjoying his heel turn. Last week I opined about my displeasure towards his character and push, but I’m almost ready to reverse that decision only a week later. If the progression stays the way that it is, I’ll be a happy camper. I’ll be pitching my tent in the Daniel Bryan campground and making ‘smores with Hornswoggle into the wee hours of the night. It’s that delicious.
Brodus Clay – where do I even begin? Best debut in the history of… ever?!? Okay, I won’t go that far; but I was entertained. Yeah it was dumb, it was goofy, it was even a bit disturbing, but it was entertaining. I legitimately laughed out loud on that one. You’d think that with all the build he’d come back a badass, but they completely Russo swerved us on this one. I love it. I love that John Laurinaitis is basically Marty Funkhouser and so as a result Brodus Clay became the Funkasaurus. Love it. Love it. Love it!
Swagger and Punk had a pretty great match. I can’t ask for much more out of a TV match than what these two guys gave tonight. The screwy ending will no doubt keep this feud alive leading into the Royal Rumble as I’d expect Vickie to lobby that Swagger didn’t really get pinned and thus they shouldn’t be banned from ringside. We’ll see where it goes.
Ricardo Rodriguez is quickly become one of my all-time favorite professional wrestling stooges. Everything about his character is hilariously awesome. He has the insane ability to make the crowd love him, yet still want to see him demolished by random superstars. Say what you will, but that takes talent.
The Four Horsemen and Edge are both deserving of the Hall of Fame. I’m a bit surprised that Edge is making it this soon after his retirement, given his age, but he certainly accomplished enough in the business to be a Hall of Famer. I’ll be perfectly blunt and say that I’ve never much cared for Edge and certainly have never been a fan of his work, but I do respect his talent and sacrifice for this industry.
What is there to really say about Chris Jericho? It was more of the same from last week. The WWE is trying to do something special with him, but this business is all about momentum. By the time Jericho does decide to go heel and unleash on the crowd, the fans may have already stopped caring. I’m halfway there already.
The main event was predictable. I actually jokingly wrote out the end of RAW during a commercial break, and was pretty damn close to what happened. I would like to mention that there was something hilarious about watching Ryder try and change the tire on a car without jacking it up first. Way to use your noggin.
Tonight was pretty much the Kane show, with some really bizarre twists and turns throughout the rest. I enjoyed it, even if it was a bit scatterbrained. The sad thing is that what I’m most looking forward to next week is… Brodus Clay! Get yo funk on!
I do read every single e-mail you guys send, even the Facebook comments below, and really appreciate hearing your thoughts. Send me some e-mails, and have a safe week everyone!
Visit WrestleView daily for unique columns, recaps, audio and more including my column That’s a Wrap! Also, check out my radio show for the WrestleView Radio Network called The Teacher’s Lounge with co-host Anthony “Mr. V” Valvo. If you’re a VIP member, you don’t want to miss it!