Impact Wrestling Results
March 30, 2017
Orlando, FL (Impact Zone)
Commentary: Josh Mathews, Da Pope, Jeremy Borash
Results by: Gerald Bocook of Wrestleview.com
We open in the background with Josh Matthews complaining to Dirty Dutch and Bruce Pritchard. Dutch asks everyone at the table if they’re all in agreement, and then a bunch of Matthews being a creeper. Karen Jarrett comes in and says she needs one of them to find Sienna for her. She leaves, and Matthews and Borash start fighting. Pritchard says they’ll make changes to the announce booth. Borash says they should replace him with his wife; he’s not even the best announcer in his family.
We see a recap of last week’s return of Karen Jarrett.
There is entirely too much owl in the opening of the show.
In the Impact Zone, Karen Jarrett is making her way to the ring, forcing a bunch of poor kids at ringside to shake her hand. She thanks the Impact Zone, who is chanting “fire Josh!”, and says that she put it on her list “last night,” but says there’s something more pressing. She’s embarrassed and ashamed to even have to talk about this. She says that Maria Kanellis leaving has caused a lot of unprofessional and ugly behavior in the Knockouts locker room. She says that one Knockout in particular has been a bully, and she won’t tolerate that. She tells Sienna to bring her “little finger” down to “her” ring.
Sienna takes her time coming down to the ring. Sienna asks if they have a problem. Karen says she’s been here a short period of time, and doesn’t think she’s heard even one positive thing about her from anybody. Sienna’s behavior, actions, words, won’t be tolerated. So do they have a problem? Sienna wants to know who told her this. Karen says she doesn’t need to give names and doesn’t owe her an explanation. Sienna says she knows who did it; that homewrecker Allie. Karen tells Sienna to step back. Sienna says she got here on her own, not because of who she married. Karen gets in her face and says she doesn’t have a single clue what she did to get there. Karen says she remembers being in Sienna’s position, saying things and doing things she regrets. But she’s going to give Sienna a chance to avoid those same mistakes. She’s going to give Sienna fifteen seconds to apologize. Sienna asks, “Or what?” Karen counts down, gets to 9, but unfamiliar music hits and a big dude in nice clothes comes to the ring.
He grabs Sienna’s mic. He tells Karen to wipe that stupid look off her face, cuz she knows who he is. He says his name is “KM” And that Sienna is his cousin. He demands Karen pay Sienna the respect they deserve. Karen says Sienna doesn’t deserve respect, but KM tells her to shut up. He says Karen has fifteen seconds to apologize to his entire family. Karen backs out of the ring, but Braxton and Allie hit the ring and Braxton attacks KM from behind and lays him out! Sienna bails, Allie rolls in, and they stand tall. Karen says if KM wants to come in her and talk to her like that, it seems Sienna’s behavior runs in the family tree. She says that KM will face Braxton Sutter tonight.
Tonight’s main event will crown new Tag Team Champions. I guess I was wrong last week, and that those tag matches were just exhibition matches. The Championship match will be a fatal four-way. The Impact Grand Championship will also be defended. Up next, DJZ faces Andrew Everett.
— Commercial break —
We get another #MakeImpactGreat vingette highlighting the X-Division. They basically all say they’re all suicidal maniacs that are gonna kill themselves in the ring (or flying to the outside of it.)
DJZ is hitting the ring as we return to the Impact Zone. Everett heads to the ring and the crowd is solidly cheering for him.
DJZ vs. Andrew Everett
They circle and tie-up, DJZ with an arm bark, transitions to a headlock, Everett shoves him off and DJZ with a shoulder tackle. Leap frogs, Everett with an unorthodoz hurricanrana sends DJZ out. DJZ back in and they do a flippy stand-off. Tie-in but DJZ kicks Everett in the gut, tosses him to the apron, and Everett springboards in, whiffs, and DJZ with a springboard headscissors but Everett lands on his feet. DJZ tosses Everett out, hits the farside ropes, takes to the sky, and connects with the seated senton!
DJZ rolls Everett into the ring, up on the apron and then the top rope, crossbody from DJZ, covers; one, two—kickout!
Armwrench from DJZ and he attacks Everett. Front facelock, up for a vertical suplex, Everett slides off, schoolboy; one, two—kickout.
Kick to the guy from Everett, they trade blows, Everett getting the better of Z, hits the ropes, DJZ lays Everett out with a lariat. Everett in the corner and DJZ stomps, tosses Everett to the corner, Everett up the ropes and dropkicks DJZ into the corner. DJZ ut of the corner and elbowed down by Everett. Everett with an enzuigiri, but DJZ gets him in the corner. Overhead kick from Everett! Everett hits the top turnbuckle, moonsault, DJZ gets the boots up! DJZ charges for the ZDT—Everett rolls DJZ up! One, two, three!
Winner by pinfall: Andrew Everett (Small Package)
Gregory Shane Helms and X-Division Champion Trevor Lee hit the Imapct Zone. Shane says that was a big win. And we all know that winning just isn’t something he isn’t used to. It’s his big streak; one win in a row. But it takes more than one win to get a shot at the X-Division Championship. But, because he’s the generous man that he is, he’s going to give Everett a shot. Opportunity will be knocking. Josh Matthews complains about Millennials, as if he wasn’t born in the 80’s.
Up next, Rosemary will have a “Knockouts Burial Ceremony”.
— Commercial break —
Borash is in the ring, and welcomes Knockouts Champion Rosemary to the ring. Matthews would like Da Pope to leave, too. Matthews continues to complain, and Matthews says that somehow, the United States Constitution will ensure he stays at the booth. Borash says that Rosemary’s has been one of the most dominant Knockouts Championship reigns in history. Rosemary says some cryptic Bray Wyatt stuff and says they’ve retired Gail Kim, ruined Sienna, destroyed Brandi’s life and Jade’s soul, so everyone else better just stay in the back. ODB comes to the ring! Rosemary is seething.
ODB introduces herself as a “four-time knocked-up champ,” and an original Knockout. ROsemary wouldn’t be standing in this ring if it wasn’t for girls like ODB. She toasts Rosemary as Champion. But soon, she’ll be cheersing to herself when she becomes a five-time knocked-up champ. Rosemary says she may consider herself worthy, but the hive disagrees. Brandi, Rebel, Madison Rayne, Diamanté, and more are coming to the ring. Rosemary gets backed up into the ring. Madison Rayne grabs Borash’s mic and says she doesn’t know who most of the others are, and says that she deserves the shot after saying that Borash talks too much. Brandi says she’s still here, despite Rosemary’s mind games. Diamanté says she came her to fight. Rosemary shoves her into Madison Rayne and bails as the ring explodes into chaos! ODB is in pursuit outside the ring, though, and throws her up the ramp as we see fighting in the ring.
— Commercial break —
At the booth, Mathews talks about the chaos with the Knockouts as Borash is taking a picture of a fan with a “Fire Josh Matthews” sign. Mathews calls Borash a mark and a slapnuts. They keep talking about three minutes too long. Da Pope looks about as interested in this as I do, but they keep talking.
EC3 is making his way to the ring. Mathews keeps talking. Carter grabs a mic and thanks the Impact Zone. Carter says he’s here for one thing; to say he’s sorry. He wants to apologize to Karen Jarrett for losing his cool and saying some things he didn’t mean. He looks forward to making Impact great with her. Impact is changing, and he must change along with it. He needs to refocus, rebrand, come back, and do what he does best; beat everybody. He needs to be the guy that is unbreakable, undefeated. He needs to be the real EC3. Twice upon a time he was the World Heavyweight Champion, like someone that might be phenomenal, “It”, or like their current Champion. He will become an EC3-time World Heavyweight Champion.
James Storm makes his way to the Impact Zone, wearing the DCC suit and a ball cap. He says his ears must not be working the way they used to. Did EC3 say his name? No? Oh. Huh. He was back there and didn’t hear his name, and wants to know why. Carter says there was no disrespect; he was just referring to multi-time World Champions. Storm says he respects EC3, that nobody has done what he’s done, that he’s held it down. But his hands built this son of a bitch. He was on the first pay-per-view fifteen years ago. EC3 was in high school. When they came to Orlando, he was on that show. Where was Carter? Probably fratting it up. Storm says he saw Elix Skipper walk across a fifteen foot tall steel cage. He was part of a tag team, drinking a lot of beer and making a lot of money. Where was he? Carter says he was drinking a lot of beer and spending a lot of money. Storm laughs and says that was a good answer. Storm says they both want to be Impact World Champion. If anyone deserves a last go-around, a last ride, a last call, it’s James Storm. Carter says he couldn’t agree more, but, this decision is beyond them. He says the decision shouldn’t be made by Dutch or Pritchard, the guys in the back, but the Impact Zone. They both exit the ring and play to the crowd. They both get back in, and Carter says it might be his last call, but he knows that the Zone will make the right call. They shake hands.
We get a video package for Laredo Kid and Garza Jr. They’ll challenge for the Tag Team Championships tonight.
— Commercial break —
We get a package of Reno Scum. They said they’ve made big statements, beating the DCC and Decay. They’ll be in tonight’s main event for the World Tag Team Championships.
We then get a video package going over the feud between Cody and Moose.
Cody will make his way to the ring with Brandi Rhodes, who doesn’t look the happiest to be there. She’s not wearing her ring gear, though. Guess she made a quick change. Moose heads straight to the ring with little fanfare. Cody bothers the judges at ringside.
Impact Wrestling Grand Championship Match
Moose (c) vs. Cody
Moose charges and drives Cody into the corner. Cody kicks and hops up on the top, but Moose chops him down and headbutts him into the corner. Moose charges, Cody gets a foot up, p on the middle rope again, tornado DDT! Cody “twoo sweets”, hits the ropes, Moose with a pop-up powerbomb! Senton! Second-rope moonsault! Moosesault? One, two—kickout!
Cody bails, Moose rolls out after him. Uppercut to Cody, headbutt, :90 left in the round. Moose chops and headbutts at Cody. Moose posts Cody against the steel post, chops, Cody ducks and Moose hits the steel post! Cody kicks, but Moose ducks and Cody takes out a Judge! Moose chops, chases and rolls Cody into the ring. Moose follows, Cody catches him with a kick, “vintage” hangman’s DDT! Cody crawls over for the cover, but the round ends before he can!
End of Round One.
They say they’ll be back with the score from Round One, if they can even get a score from the Judge that got taken out!
— Commercial break —
We see Bruce Pritchard ringside, and he’ll be taking the place of the fallen Judge.
|Round 1 Scorecard||Judge 1||Judge 2||Judge 3||Total|
Cody kicks Moose, but Moose starts chopping at Cody. Moose takes to the ropes, but Cody with a low dropkick. Cody pulls Moose up and lariats Moose down. Cody stomps at Moose, pins; one, tw—kickout.
Cody grabs Moose and whips him to the ropes, knee to the gut. Cody strikes Moose, goes for a kick, but Moose ducks, schoolboy, picks Cody up for a powerbomb, but Moose
Cody caught, Moose tosses Cody up and powerbombs him on the apron! Moose grabs a chair and goes after Cody, but Cody shoves Brandi in the way! Cody kicks the chair into Moose’s face, gets Moose in the ring, and locks in the Figure Four Leglock as he yells at Bruce Pritchard! Ten seconds left, but Moose isn’t going to tap!
End of Round Two.
|Round 2 Scorecard||Judge 1||Judge 2||Judge 3||Total|
Cody goes for a kiss from Brandi, but Brandi stops him with her hand up. Brandi says they’re acting like children, and they can kill each other.
They charge and start going at each other with blows. Moose starts to get the upperhand, but Cody drops down and throat punches Moose. Cody hits the ropes, Moose with a big boot. Cody with a kick, Moose with a dropkick! Moose with the Moo-choo punches! Bionic Elbow from Moose, but not before a “suck it!” Cody whipped to the ropes, Moose goes for a Game Changer, Cody ducks, Beautiful Disaster! Both men are down, 1:36 left in the round! The two are back up, punching as they get to their feet. Moose back up and slaps Cody. They start trading blows again, Moose takes Cody down, and they’re brawling. They’re both back up, and they lariat each other down! :28 left in the round, both men down! Both men back to their feet, Moose and Cody trading blows, and the bell rings!
End of Round Three.
They keep brawling until the referee is able to separate them!
Borash back in and the crowd is chanting for one more round. Matthews isn’t shutting up about nothing.
|Round 3 Scorecard||Judge 1||Judge 2||Judge 3||Total|
Winner by split decision and STILL Impact Wrestling Grand Champion: Moose
Matthews complains about the Judges having made the wrong decision and that Cody should be a double Champion.
We get a vignette for Davey Richards, highlighting he and Angelina Love’s turn against Eddie Edwards. Next week, Eddie Edwards will face Richards in a last man standing match.
— Commercial break —
Another #MakeImpactGreat promo with Eli Drake.
Back in the Impact Zone, Matthews is still complaining about Cody not winning the match. Karen comes to the announce booth and hands Borash a note. Matthews whines and keeps saying that Borash has a face for radio. Next week, there will be a Knockouts #1 Contender Gauntlet.
KM is heading to the ring with Sienna. Karen and Sienna get into a slight altercation on the ramp. Braxton Sutter is heading down with Allie. Matthews continues to call Allie a homewrecker.
KM (w/ Sienna) vs. Braxton Sutter (w/ Allie)
Bell rings and KM kicks Braxton as he tries to tie-up. KM tosses Braxton into the corner and yells at him, goes for a punch, but Braxton ducks and chops the bigger man in the corner. Irish whip, reversed, Braxton explodes out of the corner and kicks KM in the face. Chops from Sutter, mounts KM in the corner, punches, KM tries to powerbomb Sutter but Sutter with a sunset flip; one, tw—kickout!
Sutter with chops, but KM with a big dropkick takes Sutter down! KM steps on Sutter’s face, kicks Sutter, and puts him in a rear chinlock. Sutter staggers to his feet, elbows to the gut, takes to the ropes, and a double clothesline! Both men are down! Allie is rallying the crowd behind Sutter. Sienna chases her around the ring! Allie in the ring, ducks under KM as he tries to attack her, but Sutter catches him! KM kicks Sutter, hits the ropes, Sutter with a powerslam! Sutter with a kick, then dives off the middle rope with a neckbreaker! Sutter goes to set KM up for the finish, but Sienna attacks Allie, KM with a powerbomb into a lung blower! KM covers; one, two, three!
Winner by pinfall: KM (Powerbomb Backstabber)
Sienna grabs Allie by the hair and goes to attack her, but Allie forearms Sienna! Sutter clobbers KM as he tries to attack Allie, sending him out of the ring! Allie takes Sienna out, and Laurel van Ness appears at the entrance ramp, looking even crazier and more drunk than last week!
LAX vignette, lots of Konnan saying they need to leave with the tag team titles. Diamanté says she has Rosemary on lock. He tells Santana and Ortiz to do what they do.
— Commercial break —
We get a video of a woman walking down stairs, saying that “they” thought they could be happy. We see a picture of Braxton and Allie. “Fury will be Unleashed. 4.13.17”
Garza Jr and Laredo Kid are first out for tonight’s main event. Decay follows. LAX enters through the crowd again.
Impact Wrestling Tag Team Championships
Garza Jr and Laredo Kid vs. Decay (Abyss and Crazzy Steve) w/ Knockouts Champion Rosemary vs. Reno Scum (Adam Thornestowe and Luster the Legend) vs. Latin-American Xchange (Santana and Ortiz) w/ Konnan, Homicide and Diamanté
Bell rings. Thornestowe and Laredo Kid are starting. Thornestowe stops Kid from doing som eflippy stuff, and sends him into Luster’s head. Tag out to Luster and a double-team slam into the corner before another tag. Adam charges Kid, Kid gets boots up, up on the middle rope, big hurricanrana! Ortiz tags himself in, tagging Thornestowe out!
Ortiz takes down Kid, but flips back! Santana takes Kid out! Abyss takes out Ortiz and Santana! Luster in, and they stare down before Garza Jr appears! He charges both men, ducks a double lariat, and stops the two big men in their tracks to taunt them by taking his pants off! Suddenly, everyone starts pouring into the ring! The fight starts flooding to the outside, and I can’t keep track of anything! It’s chaos! Laredo Kid off the top to the outside takes out almost the entire field! Ortiz attacks Abyss, but as the cluster builds back up, it’s Garza Jr with a spinning body splash takes out everybody!! They’re gonna go to break and try to figure this out!
— Commercial break —
Back in the ring, Garza Jr kicks Santana in the face! Laredo Kid with a 450 Splash! Garza Jr with a second-rope oonsault! Santana kicks Kid in the face, Ortiz sends Kid into Santana and they double team Kid off the middle rope leg drop! Laredo Kid charges Santana into Decay’s corner and Abyss tags himself in!
Abyss destroys Santana and Kid, hooking Kid in the corner and splashing him! Tag to Steve.
Steve covers; one, two, th—kickout!
Steve attacks Kid on the ground and lariats Kid down! He covers; one, two—kickout!
Steve tosses Kid into the Decay corner, charges, flying elbow! Adam Thornestowe tags himself in!
Thornestowe tags out to Luster and Luster chops at Kid. He headbutts Kid down, then drops a headbutt on Laredo Kid. Pins; one, two—kickout.
Thornestowe tags himself back in and elbows Kid down. Laredo Kid fights out, goes for a spinning backbreaker, Ortiz and Santana double team Thornestowe and Luster! Abyss in, and LAX takes him to the corner before taking him out with the Street Sweeper; a Whisper-in-the-wind style cannonball! Crazzy Steve is in, but Ortiz gets him hangman on the top rope and Santana dives off the top with a double stomp to his back! Rosemary is in and Diamanté takes her down! They tumble out of the ring! Laredo Kid back in, goes for a frankensteiner, but Ortiz catches him and pulls him up for Santana to hit the blockbuster as Ortiz powerbombs him! Ortiz with the pin; one, two, three!
Winners and NEW Impact Wrestling Tag Team Champions via pinfall: LAX (Powerbomb Blockbuster)
LAX celebrates in the ring as the other teams look on in anger.
1) Andrew Everett def. DJZ
2) Moose def. Cody to retain the Impact Grand Championship
3) KM def Braxton Sutter
4) LAX def. Garza Jr and Laredo Kid, Decay, and Reno Scum to become World Tag Team Champions
– Davey Richards vs Eddie Edwards in a Last Man Standing Match
– Knockouts #1 Contender Gauntlet Match
Don’t forget, you can find me on Twitter @TheGREATMoto. Let me know what you thought of the show there, or in the comments below! We can talk Impact, or why it’s almost Easter and we don’t have Pokémon-themed jelly “Poké beans”! And I’ll see you all next week!