Ousta! Welcome back to the only WrestleView column covering topics both nowhere yet everywhere at once. If you are new to the column you are probably going to hate us for the first couple weeks, but then you are going to hit a point where you say ?oh wait a minute, I think he gets it?. Don?t worry, that’s exactly how it is designed to be. This column is all about gut reactions and traveling thoughts. As the great Andy Kaufman once said: ?I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut, or get angry from the gut?.
What If WWE Creative Booked My Life?
This past week I was thinking about creative and all of the crazy storylines that we have seen in wrestling over the past several decades. In a time when creative tries to blend the lines between kayfabe and reality I started to wonder. What if creative booked my daily life? Join me as I embark on a hypothetical day and how creative’s hand would affect it.
Reality ? My alarm buzzes and I begrudgingly snooze it a couple of times before eventually rolling out of bed resigned to the fact that another day must start.
Creative ? The second my alarm is set to go off I start to hear an all too familiar song. Is that ? yes it is, the ECW theme is blasting from an unknown source as pyro starts exploding around my bed! My roommate looks over at me with pure hatred in his eyes for having awoken him so early. All I can do is shrug and say ?well at least we won?t be questioning our hearts today!? He mutters a statement that oddly gets bleeped out by the censors that are apparently now editing my life.
Reality ? I grab my bathrobe, towel and shampoo and proceed to walk down the hall to my floor’s bathroom. After a brief 5 minute shower that works as much to wake me up as it does hygienically, I dry off and head back to my room.
Creative ? I undress and am about to grab my bathrobe but notice that I seem to have black boxes blurring out anything worth covering up. Amused by this newfound convenience I open the door to my room. Befuddled, I see an entrance ramp extending out from my door. In the distance I see a shadowy figure in a cowboy hat. I turn around to get back in my room, but the figure rolls his eyes up and into his head as lightning zaps my door cutting off my escape. Realizing that taking on the Undertaker is a bad idea in any situation and is especially bad considering my nudity, I weigh my options. Before I can so much as take a step backward the Undertaker lifts his arms up. I know my end is near and accept the fact that I am about to rest in peace. But wait ? as the Undertaker lifts his arms rain starts to fall from the fire alarm sprinklers! I stand in shock for several minutes before Taker stops the rain and walks off into the distance. That was one heck of a shower. I shake my head in amazement and walk back into my room.
Reality ? In an action hardly worth writing down, I grab a T-shirt, slide on some jeans, tie my shoes and give a quick glance at the mirror for my reflections approval.
Creative ? At this point I am unsure whether I have even woken up yet because the surreal experience of showering courtesy of the Deadman is a lot to stomach. Oh well I might as well push it out of my mind and get dressed. Opening my drawer I see that my clothes are nowhere to be found. Instead my closet is full of wrestling gear. You?ve got to be kidding me; it is not just any wrestling gear it is Billy Gunn bright pink lipstick covered shorts. I?m at least thankful for the extra couple of inches that I am awarded by not being given Randy Orton’s gear. I reach for shoes and of course find wrestling boots, so I begin to lace up. It’s chilly so I hope to find a coat. How foolish of me. The most covering I can find is a sequined Jericho vest in bright neon pink to match my tights. It’s going to be a long day.
Reality ? I?m couple minutes late per usual so I slink in hoping to not gain any undue attention. I slide into my seat on the edge of the room plugging my laptop into the outlet. The lecture begins and I begin my daily routine of running down the latest news both in the wrestling world and society as a whole.
Creative ? I am outside the door to my class and pause as I?m reaching for the door’s handle. I try and devise an explanation to escape the teacher’s wrath and realize there is absolutely no way I can get out of this one. I pull the door open and immediately wish I hadn?t. I should have known an entrance theme would be part of today’s ?excitement?. There is a split second as the first note hits that I hope whoever is controlling my day didn?t read my WrestleView staff profile, but of course they had. Immediately I regret my entrance music choice. Miley Cyrus? ?See You Again? begins to flood the class room. At this point I figure what the hell and do a couple poses before hitting my seat. I hear the school bell ring and actually smile at that one, touch? creative. My Professor hands back our exams that we had taken last week. I received a B+ which works for me considering my lack of preparation I had going into it. At the end of the class the bell rings and I begin to make my way towards the door. Right as I?m about to leave I hear my Professor call my name. I turn around to find him eerily smiling. He asks to see my exam and I pull it out of my bag and hand it to him. His smile turns into an evil smirk as he turns and pulls a red pen from his desk. All I can do is stand in shock as my Professor crosses out my B+ and changes it to an F! He looks me dead in the eyes and says ?you should have seen this coming.? Are you kidding me? My Professor just turned heel and screwed me out of a decent grade! Who is booking this stuff and why do they hate me?
Reality ? After class I head over to the dining hall to see what I shall be devouring on this fine day. The usual sandwich and fries will do the trick and I grab the campus paper to get caught up on all of Rutgers? happenings.
Creative ? At the end of class I walk over to the dining hall. I?m getting my food and take a moment to breathe a sigh of relief. I have found an oasis from the day’s craziness. How foolish can I be? As I reach for the last Hamburger a MONSTROUS black hand grabs my throat. None other than Big Daddy V, Viscera himself, is glaring at me with his white eyes. Knowing feuds have developed over far simpler matters I tell him to just take it. There is no way I can handle this beast of a man. He shakes his head at me, and in that instance I know our match has already been scripted. He says just three words to me: ?Mud. Wrestling. Match.? The thought of rolling in the mud as his huge man breasts ooze over me is absolutely petrifying. I run away faster than Usain Bolt at the Olympics. Sorry creative there is NO WAY I?m letting that one happen.
Reality ? Today I had class early enough to allow for work. I jump in my car grasping for a CD mix to sing along to and slam the door of my car shut.
Creative ? ****Commercial****
Reality ? I swipe in my card and head over to my work station. I work at an amusement park, Six Flags, and spend my evening attempting to entice customers into paying me for a couple shots at getting a basketball in the basket in order to win a prize. Internally I shake my head at the absurdity of paying to gain entrance to a park then wasting more money to play games. My shift ends without too much excitement and with few top prizes awarded.
Creative ? As I get to work I trip on my way over to my game’s station. I lower my head disappointed that TV audience would see me botch something as simple as walking. Then I remember that my life is pre-taped, so that will be edited out! As I?m standing at my station on this slow moving day I look up to see none other than Kizarny. Dreading the conversation of which I will probably only manage to decipher three words I brace myself for the promo. To my surprise I see Stephanie McMahon emerge from the staff area and walk over to the Karnival Karacter. They are too far away to be heard but I see McMahon has something in her hand. Kizarny looks awfully discouraged and I realize that Stephanie is holding a pink slip. Kizarny just got future endeavored right in front of my face! I smirk temporarily amused that at least it wasn?t me released. As if creative could read my thoughts I see WWE’s owner come strutting out of the Staff area. He looks me straight in the eye and says ?YOU?RE FIRED!?
Reality ? I drive back over to school and head into the dining hall to catch a late dinner. Luckily I have my iPod pre-loaded with one of my favorite wrestling matches: Paul London v. AJ Styles v. Low Ki from the ROH 1 year Anniversary Show. It’s a good way to relax and settle from the day’s activities.
Creative ? Not too thrilled about creative costing me my job in today’s trouble economic world I head back to school. I enter the dining hall to get some food with reckless abandon. Bring it Big Daddy V, I?m hungry and I?m eating even if it means fighting you and getting squashed harder than Chavo Guerrero against Kane at last year’s Wrestlemania. I seem to be enjoying my first reprieve from creative’s wacky storylines at least for the moment. I notice a figure moving amongst the shadows. It seems like D?j? vu as I feel as though this mysterious dark figure has been stalking me all day. I hear ominous music over the speakers and decide it is about time to pack up my tray and leave.
Playing with friends
Reality ? Just as I?m beginning to leave I get the expected text that simply reads ?Halo?? Looks like it is time for some system link with my friends in the dorm and I head back to join with Master Chief and kill some enemies.
Creative ? As I?m finishing my dinner I get a text, but it is not the one I was expecting. I glance at my phone and see a concerning message: ?Beware of the dark, for I am the shadows, fear the unknown because I call the void my home?. I don?t know who in creative is booking my life but they?ve got me freaked out.
Reality ? Back in my room and lying in bed I pull out my laptop to reflect on the day and jot down any thoughts that had entered my mind during my adventures. The ideas flow all day long and this is my opportunity to debrief.
Creative ? As I begin to type and remember all the craziness from my day I find a strange lump building in the pit of my stomach. I have been followed all day long by a character who is no doubt an embodiment of pure evil. The figure lurking in the shadows will no doubt bring my demise and at this point I don?t know if there is enough light in the world to shine a beacon of hope into the void. Regardless, I hope that the insanity of the day is over.
Reality ? Sliding my laptop onto a chair and my covers up to comfortably snuggle I find myself in the most enjoyable moment of my entire day and escape the world as I begin to euphorically dance with my dreams.
Creative ? As I drift off to sleep I see red smoke filling my room. Before I can even mutter ?What the ??? a slithering black figure is gyrating its way into my room. A shower of slimy objects pours down from the ceiling nearly drowning me. Confused and admittedly panicking, I try and figure out what on earth is going on. I quickly realize that those slimy objects are actually worms which are now wriggling through my sheets. I begin to stand up but am knocked back down by a force of surprise as my shadowy stalker has finally emerged. The formerly slithering black figure stands up to meet me eye to eye and shouts: ?I?m the Boogeyman, and I?m coming to get ya!? Out of nowhere a WWE logo appears and my life fades to black.
Vince Russo Booking
I was going to include a piece on how Vince Russo would book my life as we all know he can be a bit zany. Unfortunately, there was a mix-up in the memo and he misunderstood the premise. Apparently, he confused my name, David Stephens, with that of David Arquette, and had me booked to win the TNA Legends Belt.
What’s in the News?
Q&A with Paul London
Paul London recently sat down and held a Q&A on his Official Site. Readers sent in the questions and the best were answered by London. I personally submitted this question:
Question: When and why did you decide to utilize the Shooting Star Press as your finisher? Was it difficult to master?
Answer: Master? lolol ‘thank you’. Master is a lofty word but I’ll take it haha.. To be completely honest, the SSP is way easier for me to pull off than the 450 was…NOT that it was that hard either, just different rotations completely. Jushin Liger was and is still to this min a huge influence on my style and so seeing this Japanese super hero flip the way he did totally caught my attention and respect. Seeing Kidman perform it in WcW gave me the belief that white guys could do it too, so seeing as I spent 88% of my 12-16 yr old phase on a trampoline it was only natural that I would try to learn the mechanics of both the SSP and the 450. As far as trying the SSP, I knew that I could nail it so during my next show…lets see, this was probably 2000, I decided to just try it. It was in a barn in front of maybe 19 people (it was sold out lol) and I actually overshot the guy (Bobby 2 Bad) and still kinda nailed him. It wasn’t until I went to train with Dory Funk Jr privately that he really helped me get the mechanics down and turn it into what it is today. He had me perform the SSP off the top onto a mattress about 15-20 times over and over and over hahaha nothing like some good repetition!
The rest of the Q&A can be found here
WWE RAW ? 3.73
ECW on Sci-Fi ? 1.2
TNA Impact ? 1.28
WWE Smackdown ? 2.0
WWE Stock Update
Week Ending April 17th 2009
Open ? 11.68
Close ? 10.99
Low ? 10.82
High ? 11.78
-WWE Champion Triple H, Batista & Shane McMahon def. Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes
-Chris Jericho def. Tommy Dreamer
-Matt Hardy def. CM Punk?by disqualification
-Christian def. Shelton Benjamin
-Edge won the Tri-Branded Battle Royal
-Kofi Kingston def. The Miz by disqualification?
-The Great Khali def. Santino Marella
-World Heavyweight Champion John Cena def. ECW Champion Jack Swagger
-Divas Champion Maryse, Michelle McCool & Natalya def. Women’s Champion Melina, Mickie James & Kelly Kelly
-Kane def. The Brian Kendrick
-Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio def. Evan Bourne
-John Morrison def. Evan Bourne
-Vladimir Kozlov def. Local Athlete
-Tommy Dreamer eliminated from Elimination Chase to Backlash Triple Threat Match involving Finlay and Christian
-Homicide w/Hernandez def. Chris Sabin w/Alex Shelley & Tetsuya Naito w/Yujiro, Kiyoshi, & Bashir
-Taylor Wilde, Raisha Saeed, & Awesome Kong def.. The Beautiful People (Angelina Love, Madison Rayne, & Velvet Sky)
-Abyss & Daffney def. ODB & Cody Deaner
-Kurt Angle def. ?Fallen Angel? Christopher Daniels
-Big Show def. Jeff Hardy
-Gail Kim def. Divas Champion Maryse
-John Morrison def. R-Truth
-Undertaker def. Shelton Benjamin
-Dolph Ziggler def. United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter (non-title)
-Batista def. Ted DiBiase
Must Read WrestleView Column of the Week
The Shoot #9 by: Joshua Piedra
The column is a look at a fantasy booking of a year’s worth of storylines that build up to and includes a WrestleMania match between John Cena and the Rock. A really great read and includes what may be my favorite line of the week: Over the summer, WWE Films places John Cena in another movie role (hopefully not 13 Rounds). Go check it out and send him some more feedback if you enjoy it.
Fantasy Wrestling Draft will continue NEXT week here in this very column! Join the Fan Page to be the first to know who the next pick is
WrestleView VIP launches May 1st
ECW returns to its 10pm EST timeslot on May 5th
So ?that’s a wrap??. Love it? Hate it? Disagree with everything I said? Just want to chat wrestling? I?m always up for reading your thoughts so send them ?em on over.