REALITY IN REALTIME OMG!!!!!!!!!~
Times!~ Takers~! SPLENDOR~
Why have I been gone for over a week? It was in order to prepare for this night? this column? and to begin a tradition of sorts with ?Reality.? As I speak, I am seated on a futon in my new apartment. I just poured a cold beer into my mug. In front of me is my 50-inch Panasonic plasma, in all its 1080p splendor. The time is now 6:39 pm, April 5, 2009.
I, like you, am about to partake in the silver edition of Wrestlemania.
?But how is this going to be a tradition,? I?m sure you?re asking. ?Hell, I?m doing the same thing.?
The tradition-aspect of this is that I am writing this week’s ?Reality? in real time. As Wrestlemania unfolds, I will be writing my commentary or one-liners. As many of my friends and family know of me, I like to talk back to the television; going ?Mystery Science Theater 3000? on the idiot box. If you have been in the Wrestleview chat rooms with me on occasion, you know this as well.
I figured, ?What the hell. Let’s bring my sarcasm and scimitar wit in real time.? And so? I bring to you ?Reality in Real Time?, a once-every-so-often column that will be uncorked for special occasions like this. And so? let’s sit back and watch!
6:44 pm (EST) ? The pre-show is right now playing. Am I the only one who thought that the vignette hyping HHH-Orton was one of the best produced pieces they have ever done? The cock of a shotgun coinciding with the well-sold DDT on Stephanie? my god, I?m psyched! But now, thanks to the plug of Kid Rock, the buzz has been killed.
6:46 – Card rundown is going on right now. No predictions from me until the intros are being done for each match. Also, you?ll need to forgive me if I need to take a quick break every now and then for bodily functions, liquid refreshment (hopefully I will still be as fast of a typist after a few brews), and cancer sticks. Speaking of which? be right back?
6:56 ? Fresh beer by my side now, vignette for Taker-HBK is playing, another very-well put together piece. This is the second reason I put up $55 for this show where I?m sure many will say this is the ONLY reason they have done so. I have no qualms with that reasoning, this is sure to be a very good match between the two surefire hall-of-famers.
6:58 ? Here we go! Pre-show is over, time to fire the pyro!
7:04 ? It is so good to hear Fink’s voice again! *Silence for ?America the Beautiful? despite the singer* Awesome pyros! What’s the first match? Money in the Bank!
7:07 ? Alright, Cole, Lawler, and JR at ringside sans Tazz. Good decision by the boss though I will tremendously miss the Red Hook. Introductions are going right now? I have honestly no idea who will win this match. I can definitely tell you Kane and Henry won?t win? do you honestly think they could climb that ladder? Oh hell, Finlay just came back from the Thunderdome with the vest, so usually new duds means a push of some sorts. If MVP did not win the US strap, I would have picked him to win but the way it looks, the marks might get their wish and have Christian win it. My pick? I?ll give it to Christian? but which title will he try to grab? Think later on down the road? Edge holding a title? see where I?m going?
7:14 ? Nice jump, Kofi!
7:16 ? Good job of orchestration having the two big guys part the sea of ladders. All while Christian is taking a nap somewhere. Oh crap! Henry almost decked me with that ladder! HOLY SHIT! Did Shell land on his head?! No he’s tapping everyone, he’s good. LOL!!!! Hornswoggle, WWE’s Timmy from South Park, splashing everyone? good job on the writing again.
7:20 ? Alright, that’s it? Kofi is just sick! I?m sold on him now. I need to mention this too, Mark Henry needs to be in more matches involving weapons of any kind. Botched Unprettier? good idea though.
7:25 ? Botched Sunset Flip into Powerbomb? but still, was a really good thought. Christian was damn near sick on that rebound! Listen to those boos when Punk got up there. Punk got it? after kicking off Kane.
7:27 ? Well, I don?t know how many of my fellow writers and editors picked him to do so. How good of a match was that though! The creativity and ingenuity was awesome though I think the ending was a little lackluster. What will happen now? Think of it this way? how many matches will we see in pay-per-views to come involving the suitcase at stake? Will Kennedy get his suitcase back from when he had to relinquish it due to his 25th injury? Will a main event talent have it in their grasp? Time will tell.
7:31 ? Looks like Kid Rock is performing so that is my cue for another beer and cigarette?
7:42 ? Damn! The Divas are in and here we go! Who is left?! What the hell is going on here? LOL!!! Santino’s in drag! Awesome!
7:47 ? Down to five? my god I hope Santino wins this atrocity. HE WON IT!!! YES!!! Santina! Brilliant! Michael Cole yelling ?Stop? while Santina shakes his/her ass? the only time I?ve ever enjoyed Cole saying anything.
7:52 ? Hype for the Y2J match. This needs to be understood? ?Access Hollywood? is a program run by Viacom? WWE’s contract with them is still going strong? the marketing campaign for this match has been very well orchestrated. There’s Rourke? what bet did he lose to wear that hat? Oh, it’s an elimination match? so who will be the last legend in there pinning Jericho? This will be intriguing. Probably Piper.
8:02 ? The legends doing REAL wrestling maneuvers in the ring? mat stuff. But of course it’s all their bodies can do. Damn, Piper went down? shows how much I know.
8:06 ? Steamboat over the top! My god he can still do that?! Flair is doing a good job at selling the frustration. Y2J with the Codebreaker? watch for some fireworks afterward. Everyone’s chanting Mickey after the Codebreaker on Flair. Mic up, Chris.
8:11 ? Soak it in, Mickey? he must be enjoying those cheers. This is VERY intriguing? jacket off, in the ring. Interesting indeed? left hook and Jericho tries to sell? hmmm? I don?t know. They shouldn?t have cued up ?2001? so soon? I?m sure another take could have been done with a lot more authority. ?The Wrestler? will be released on DVD in a couple weeks? the numbers from the sales will be worth looking at.
8:16 ? This needs to be said? the 3-man team of Cole, Lawler, and JR is very good. Cole being the ‘straight man? to JR and Lawler was a very good idea and I would not mind if this team were to be the team for Raw and Smackdown. The less I hear from Cole and the more I hear from the stalwarts, the more I will smile.
8:20 ? Hardy match. I absolutely hate Jeff’s face paint. I mean, I know he likes putting it on and he was doing this stuff for a long time, it’s the only time he can show his individuality in the ring? but seriously. Is this about a sibling rivalry or about a dog? Oh, by the way, I?ll take Jeff in this one but how much a beatdown and bloodletting can Matt endure?
8:25 ? A shopvac? That’s new? well, wait? we?ve seen bags of fruit down there in the past. Nevermind. Could this be the kind of Wrestlemania moment for one of these Hardys that Foley got at WM22? Time will tell.
8:32 ? A Matt Hardy/Table sandwich huh? Ok. Um? don?t know how to say this but? I?m not going bonkers over it. Took a long time to set up, Matt didn?t sell any punches whilst lying prone, I?m not sold. Give me some more, guys! Jeff looked like he was doing a belly-flop into a community pool.
8:35 ? Is a shattered tailbone worth leapfrogging over a ladder? OH! SICK! Twist of Fate on the open chair? wait? did Jeff tap or something to say if he was ok? Hmmm? I?ll make sure to watch the re-airing. He landed flush for damn sure.
8:40 ? JBL-Rey and he’s on the mic? let’s hear what this news is. You know, he’s one hell of a motivational speaker. Um? history? Where? I want my money back? I paid this tremendous $55 cover charge for a speech I could have heard any Monday night?
8:45 ? Rey channeling his inner Heath Ledger. Great. Well, this is better than WM22 when he came out as an Aztec peacock.
8:46 ? Shocked? Quick match? last year’s ECW title match became this year’s Intercontinental title match. Wait, that’s right? JBL made history. The shortest title match in Wrestlemania history. Good job.
8:48 ? JBL with mic in hand? the look on his face is great? you know what’s coming. Glorious! I quit? beautiful!
8:52 ? Oh hell? Taker-HBK. Two matches left after this one. 2 hours, 3 matches. These had better be some gems.
8:56 ? HBK’s entrance? I?m sorry? if Mordecai was going to have a Wrestlemania entrance, that’s what it would look like. Is this a duel in entrances? White vs. Black? Nice!
9:02 ? You?re in Reliant Stadium? over 70,000 in attendance? the silver edition of your Daytona 500 in NASCAR terms? and the only thing you could come up with is Taker’s normal entrance?! Who’s gonna? win? no clue? I just wanna? enjoy this one. Sad? also, my 5 o?clock shadow just turned into Grizzly Adams? beard? this needs to start NOW!
9:07 ? I?m reminiscing WM22 Cena-HHH? the crowd divided? that was what made that match and I pray that is what makes this one.
9:13 ? HBK has Taker in a Crossface? my god I need a bathroom break? Taker broke it! That’s my cue?
9:16 ? I?m back, Taker has Hell’s Gate locked in? the crowd going nuts. By the way, this big of a crowd and feeling this division? I might need to rethink my philosophies.
9:22 ? Holy shit! Taker is OK!!! Is anyone else reliving Lesnar’s Shooting Star?! The second ref coming out seemed legit? that was damned scary. HE DID IT! He made it in! Imagine it? Dale Earnhardt dying at Daytona would be the only equivalent I could think of if this turned out to be the worst.
9:26 ? The crowd reaction from the kickout after The Last Ride? I?m sorry, it’s predictable as all hell, but the crowd is selling this match so well. I am seriously rethinking WM22 Cena-HHH as my favorite match of all Wrestlemanias. It may be overtaken.
9:28 ? The look on Taker’s face from the Tombstone kickout! Priceless! That’s it! I?m sold.
9:32 ? Kickout from the Superkick!! LOL!!! This is the greatest match I?ve ever seen from Wrestlemania! The moves, the scare, and the crowd of over 70,000? it’s all there! I feel sorry for Cena, Show, Edge, HHH, and Orton having to follow this.
9:35 ? 17-0? great ending! I NEED a cig after that. Was it good for you?
9:42 ? Hype for the triple threat? wouldn?t it be great if Big Show won this one? Because that’s what I?m predicting.
9:44 ? I just remembered the unification tag match. Can they cram that into the final hour?
9:46 ? They broke out the old music for Cena! Nice. Um? did he become a mutant like Multiple Man or something? No wait? he channeled his inner Eminem from the Video Music Awards. So they?re using the unification match as the buffer for the HHH-Orton match. Understandable?
9:49 ? How often will Vickie get hit in this match? The over-under is 2.
9:54 ? Mike Chioda is not reffing the main event? Or is he just here for this one and then doing HHH-Orton?
9:55 ? Well that’s one hit on Vickie. Show yelling ?get me outta? here.? Lawler saying ?The Big Show is loose?? that’s disgusting.
9:58 ? Damn? Vickie is being helped outside ringside? well if you bet the under, you won something. I don?t know what, but you won something. Barricade went down? no wonder we never saw that side of the outside before now. JR has integrity? saying Big Show is sporting 485 lbs.
10:02 ? I am going to give this match another 5 minutes. The unification match maybe sporting another five minutes. After introductions, will HHH-Orton last longer than a half-hour? Could this be the first Wrestlemania where a match is scrapped?
10:04 ? Well Cena quashed my thought process. If he had adjusted the attitudes of Edge and Big Show at the same time, then I would have placed that as THE moment of this event but oh well. Alright, I?m sorry; the pyros for Cena’s win was unwarranted. He does not need to be going through the crowd either. The silver edition of Wrestlemania is no place for obnoxiousness? how long does WWE need to sell Cena to us? We know what he is, we know he works, and we know he’s a great talent, but still! Marketing still wonders why we, the enthusiasts, boo him. Stop force-feeding.
10:08 ? Here come the Hall of famers. Will the unification match be scrapped?
10:12 ? Seeing Stone Cold show is usual antics is welcoming but I can?t help but think of this? inducting Stone Cold before The Rock? Will he be next year? Will he ever accept it? What’s more, will something come from the jaw-jacking between Rock and Cena?
10:15 ? I just read the update regarding the tag match? pulled in order to sell as a dark match for the release of WM25 on DVD. Sad. MizMo should have been showcased for all of us enthusiasts who paid the $55 to behold. The hardest workers in the entire WWE? you know it’s true. You?ve seen the televised events live? they work at least two matches an appearance. But I know I?m preaching to the choir? you know I?m right.
10:17 ? Here’s that vignette I loved? hype the reason I?m watching right now.
10:21 ? Everyone has been predicting a double-cross of some kind. Many have been saying Orton will come out of this with the title. Honestly, I?m not sure how this will end. If Orton was to win this, I think it will come clean. No interference. This is Wrestlemania. This is supposed to be the event that draws in the new fans. A baptism of sorts. You need to draw them into your product? professional wrestling is the male equivalent of the soap opera after all. Bring them in for Raw, Smackdown, ECW, and Backlash.
10:26 ? Chioda is not doing this match. Those backstabbing *$#%s.
10:28 ? Cole: ?Triple H is an emotional mess.? Well he should be, he missed his musical cue to spit the water.
10:32 ? RKO? Already? Very intriguing script-writing. Punt wiffed? Pedigree?! What is this?
10:39 ? HHH’s loogie is still stuck on Orton’s back? did HHH graduate from HBK’s school of selling a hit? Spitting does not constitute the force of a strike. HHH needs to stop reminding me of my ex-girlfriend (TMI I know, but get over it. I?m on beer #6.)
10:44 ? Are you watching the clock? 3-minute recap of all the festivities at the end of the event. 3-minute celebration of the victor. This is a short match for just such an over-hyped rivalry.
10:48 ? The table didn?t break. How will Orton ad-lib this or will he? Brilliant! DDT on the floor. Whether that was planned or not I do not care, great job! It would not shock me if it was planned? fans and enthusiasts have gotten too smart.
10:51 ? (Unenthused tone) Oh no? the ref is out? what is going to happen now.
10:54 ? Pedigree after the hammer with the ref down. Hmmm? imagine you invited someone to your home that is not a wrestling fan and you just watched this main event. You try to convince them to tune in to Raw tomorrow night to see what happens next. Will they? Hell no. Regardless of this result, this should have ended with more dramatic flair and more curiosity than anything. The fireworks were unnecessary but blame HBK-Taker? they milked the pay-per-view dry and put the remaining two matches on a limit of sorts.
10:57 ? The recap is playing. My thoughts on the entire event will follow after it has finished and after I?ve had another nail in my coffin (Cigarette for those of you who cannot make the connection).
11:37 ? *sigh* Okay. I?m ready. I?m right now watching the re-airing of Wrestlemania 25 and am trying to piece together a decent reply from this event. Here we go.
I?m stating this, for the record. The HHH-Orton main event at WM25 will be forever remembered as ?The Silver Buzzkill.? A ?Money in the Bank? match that showcased the creativity and innovation of the federation’s bright stars and a conflict between two legends of the industry was ground to a screeching halt by the over-hyped main event between ?The Company Man? and ?The Future.?
The match was supposed to be monumental. The build to it was wonderfully coordinated and the performances between the two was groundbreaking? but to have it end like a match I would have expected to see on Monday night, I?m tremendously disappointed. I really question WWE’s use of Wrestlemania now after tonight. Is WWE’s sole strategic purpose to lure and capture new fans to their product or is it to contain the ones they already have a hold on?
If you invited a group of friends, with some of them being virgins to professional wrestling, to watch this event, do you think those who lost their virginity would return the next time you held such a gathering? After seeing WM25, I don?t think they would. HBK-Taker and MTIB certainly would, but HHH-Orton was like finding the shriveled carrot underneath the peach cobbler.
Monday night will now be the precursor to the Draft coming the following week. What will happen now that MyNetwork is folding, Smackdown is in limbo, and the struggling economy continues to do so? We will know in eight days time and I will have my predictions of said Draft when that Monday comes. In the meantime, like many of you, I have a horrid hangover to look forward to.
Until next time, mouth-breathers.