That's a Wrap
Week of July 8th to 14th 2009
By: David Stephens of

Ousta! Welcome back to the only WrestleView column covering topics both nowhere yet everywhere at once. If you are new to the column you are probably going to hate us for the first couple weeks, but then you are going to hit a point where you say ?oh wait a minute, I think he gets it?. Don?t worry, that’s exactly how it is designed to be. This column is all about gut reactions and traveling thoughts. As the great Andy Kaufman once said: ?I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut, or get angry from the gut?.

Draft, Trade & Acquisition Nonsense

I truly despise when creative molests my ability to suspend my disbelief. I am a huge supporter of accepting storylines and going along with the creative intent, but sometimes they really grind my gears. I find the product more enjoyable if I pretend that Kane really IS Undertaker’s brother and other such fantastical truths. Maybe it comes from my high school days of enjoying General Hospital (an American Soap Opera for my foreign readers), but imagination and fantasy are critical for my viewing pleasure.

This particular peeve of mine came about in the aftermath of this year’s WWE Draft. I?m not talking about the 15 person draft from a couple weeks ago. I mean the trade which followed Wrestlemania. I can suspend my disbelief that the draft is ?random? and that they use it to mix up the rosters. I accept it and enjoy the results. That being said, I cannot stand the concept of the acquisition session which followed the draft on

This kayfabe gimmick allows for the General Managers to submit picks for their brands instead of a lottery or trade system. Cool concept, but can someone please explain why on earth the GMs are portrayed as buffoons? WWE presents the proceedings as the brands ‘selecting? their stars. Bearing that in mind, why would ECW not immediately select John Cena? How can I possibly accept that the best pick Tiffany could decide on was Super Crazy?

Come on, that’s ridiculous. If the WWE expects fans to continue believing in the product, they can?t abuse our threshold of trust. I?m more willing to accept Hornswoggle as Vince’s son, than that the GMs wouldn?t snatch up more valuable and viable superstars when given the chance.

There is a very thin line between kayfabe disbelief and pure stupidity. The WWE needs to take note of its location, because perversions of my imagination aren?t appreciated.

Now with that rant about a 3 month old festering boil exorcised, let us move on to the news.

What’s in the News?

Kevin Nash has announced that he is formally launching the ?Big Sexy World Tour? search for his first-ever female valet.
The lucky winner will receive an all-expenses-paid trip to the Final Resolution Pay-Per-View from Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling, scheduled for Dec. 20, in Orlando, Fla. The winner will accompany Nash to the ring for his match that night, which will air worldwide exclusively on Pay-Per-View.
?In 20 years as a pro wrestler, I never have had a full-time valet, so this truly is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for some lucky winner to be treated like a queen ? at least for one day,? said Nash, who made his pro wrestling debut in 1990 and has been a World Heavyweight Champion on multiple occasions in numerous federations.
?For the Big Sexy World Tour search, I encourage all MILFs and Cougars to apply, not just the 20-year-olds in bikinis. In fact, if you don?t know anything about a Quinn Martin Production, your chances of being chosen are very limited.
?I am not looking for Miss Right, but rather, Miss Right Now.?
-This is one of the most peculiar things I?ve ever read. I?m left wondering if Kevin Nash wants a female companion, is doing this for a TNA publicity stunt, or is just bored. I?m thinking it is probably a combination of all three

In something he has made public in various media interviews over the last year, PWInsider is reporting that John Cena will be getting married tomorrow in Boston, MA. Cena’s father will be performing the service.
-I didn?t even know he had a girlfriend! He?ll be married by the time you guys read this, so congratulations Mr. Cena!

Dos Caras Jr., who said in interviews after signing with WWE that he would get to use his name and would completely bypass developmental, ended up doing a job to Kris Logan in FCW using the name Dos
-I was really surprised at the initial information that he would be keeping his name and skipping developmental. It seems that my skepticism wasn?t for naught. He is a HUGE star in Mexico, but I am not surprised that WWE scrapped those plans

Brock Lesnar defeated Frank Mir to retain and become the undisputed UFC Heavyweight Champion at UFC 100 on Saturday night in Las Vegas, NV. Lesnar won the fight via TKO in round two via strikes to the head on the mat. After the fight, Lesnar was booed heavily by the Las Vegas crowd and got in the face of Mir yelling, “Talk all the sh*t you want to now.”
-Despite the fact that he was later asked to apologize and recanted, I still was quite the fan of his entire post match interview

John Laurinaitis (WWE’s VP of Talent Relations) told Ken Anderson (former WWE star Mr. Kennedy) that in regards to his 90-day no complete clause with WWE, he can do whatever he wants as long as he doesn’t use the name Kennedy and go to work for TNA or ROH reports The Wrestling Observer Newsletter. Anderson’s 90-day no compete with WWE expires in September and is expected to sign with TNA.
-This has left me wondering why other talent has not gone straight to the indys after being released. Is this just a special deal with Kennedy? This really confuses me as I?ve seen plenty of stars wait the full 90 days to even wrestle for small promotions

As reported on last weekend, Jeff Hardy has not signed a new deal with WWE and the feeling internally is that he will be taking some extended time off. Hardy’s contract with WWE is set to expire in the next few weeks and there are reports that WWE is efforting to get him to stay through SummerSlam.
-I put a lot of thought into this one, and the bottom line is that I just don?t care. Jeff Hardy is cool, but whether he stays around or not will have little to no impact of my enjoyment of the product. This is not a knock on him, I?m just tired of hearing news reports over whether Jeff Hardy will sign a contract or not. It seems like we go through this every single year

The Chicago Tribune has an interview up with Hulk Hogan covering yesterday’s “Hulk hogan Fan Appreciation Day” outside Chicago, IL where around 400 fans showed up paying $99 per person. Here are some of the highlights from the interview.
-On having problems just getting around right now:
“I tried getting through it without letting everyone know I was having a hard time (at the autograph signing). I?d never had a chair there at an autograph signing before. Now I have a chair in my bathroom so I can brush my teeth. When I shave, I shave half my face, lay on the floor for 10 minutes and then shave the other half of my face. I had a hard time walking through the Chicago airport today. I stopped one time to sit down and acted like I was doing something. I walked farther and then went into the men’s room. I leaned on the sink to crack my back and pretended I was looking at my face.”

WWE has signed Nick “Eugene” Dinsmore to a new contract with the company. The company reportedly wants Dinsmore to work with young talent.

The Jackson Sun is reporting at this link that former WWF/WWE star Brian Lawler will be serving 30 days in jail for public intoxication. The article noted, “Lawler had entered a guilty plea and as part of the plea, he could have accepted 30 days at an in-patient treatment center instead of 30 days in jail.”
-That sucks. What is it about wrestling star’s sons getting into trouble with the law? Maybe there is a curse as Hogan, Lawler and Flair all seem to have law troubled offspring

WWE RAW ? 3.6
ECW on Sci-Fi ? .7
TNA Impact ? 1.2
Smackdown – 1.7

WWE Stock Update
Week Ending July 10th 2009
Open – 12.19
High – 12.42
Low – 11.93
Close – 12.37
Volume – 568,630

Loose End

-How many ring aprons does the WWE go through in a year?

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So ?that’s a wrap??. Love it? Hate it? Disagree with everything I said? Just want to chat wrestling? I?m always up for reading your thoughts so send them ?em on over.

David Stephens

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