Ciao! I?ve got to admit I?m typing this column moist with anticipation. You see, in a couple of short hours I?ll be heading to Heaton Park, Manchester along with another 69,999 people to witness what will most likely be the gig of the year as Oasis play their final hometown show of their current tour. So apologies if this column gets a bit excitable in parts, I?m just a bundle of energy at this moment in time.
At this moment in time I?d just like to take a minute to thank Ken Kennedy for proving a point of mine from a few columns ago where I made an example of him for being the wrestler with the worst luck in the business. After peroxide Ken’s 56th major injury lay off in the space of four years, he returned to the ring last week, only to injure his wrist and do his best to re injure Randy Orton’s already dodgy collarbone. Needless to say, Ken wasn?t allowed to stick around and collect a pay check much longer as Vinnie Mac decided he?d had enough of the Bob Holly haired liability. Will another wrestling company ever take a chance on the guy?
Now onto the meat and potatoes of this week’s column. For a second consecutive week I?ve left the subject matter up in the air following the success of last week’s column. This week I can?t actually take the credit for the idea either, as strangely enough, it was my lovely Mum who provided me with the creative spark this week as she mused ?how do wrestlers spend their spare time??
Now, reading that you may be thinking ?well that’s not an exciting topic?, because we can all take a rough guess at how a sports entertainer spends their spare time. Probably in the same way we non sports entertainers spend ours. Relaxing, spending time with friends and family and watching ?Dog The Bounty Hunter?. However, this is how a superstar is likely to spend their time out of character. But what if they never broke their on screen personas? What if they took their characters home with them and lived their lives as real life heroes and villains, occasionally swapping between roles to freshen things up and keep people interested in them?
Imagine, if you will, that Randy Orton has just touched down in his home town of St. Louis, Missouri, and he’s walking through the airport when he notices a married couple in front of him. The husband has just noticed his shoelace has become untied so he kneels down to rectify this potentially problematic situation. Orton immediately notices this situation and clicks his fingers, summoning Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase to the scene. The stooges tackle the wife to the floor whilst Orton punts the husband square in the temple. Not satisfied with that though, Randy then makes out with the guy’s wife on his unconscious body. The remainder of his free time is spent in a similar manner, as ?The Legend Killer? stalks families to take out one by one over a series of weeks.
On the other end of the scale you then have a guy like Rey Mysterio. The perennial underdog cum superhero. Complete with mask and high flying abilities, Rey likes to unwind in San Diego searching for any males over the height of 6?7 who are up to no good. Sure, he may get swatted down on his first couple attempts, but like that horny little Jack Russell that doesn?t know when to stop humping a leg, Rey Rey keeps coming back for more until the job is done. When he’s not out fighting crime on the streets of the 619, the little guy enjoys nothing more than a spot of retail therapy where he valiantly attempts to mix and match pants with masks, to devastating fashionable effect.
Similarly to Rey, Jeff Hardy, or ?The Rainbow Haired Warrior? would be somewhat of a superhero, like a pretty shit version of Batman. First of all, Jeff, like Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins, suffers the horror of his house burning down (by the way, I?m not making light of that situation here, but making a rather valid comparison), and also, enjoys jumping off roughly anything he can see, much like The Dark Knight. I?m also guessing Jeff has an English butler to help out around the house and a mild mannered, elderly black man who helps him with innovative new moves and outfits.
The more I think about this subject, the more I wonder why more wrestlers don?t stay in character. Well, some do. Edge is a womanizer both on and off screen and Ric Flair has been ?naitchin? wherever he goes for over 30 years. Not to mention that Shawn Michaels likes to spread the good word of the Lord inside and out of the ring, whilst Kurt Angle is legitimately crazy. But still, I?d like to imagine Umaga taking a day off in Samoa, spiking everyone he sees and collecting shrunken heads. I?d also like to think The Big Show dishes out haymakers to anyone who so much as looks at him wrong. That’s before we?ve even got to Kane and The Undertaker. Oh my.
Imagine the Brothers of Destruction living out their lives as their gimmicks. Setting shit on fire wherever they go and attempting to bury people alive. ?Taker taking time off from tombstoning (yay for euphemisms!) Michelle McCool to possess helpless victims and appear as their reflections, whilst at the same time controlling the lights in whichever room he enters would be nothing short of genius, albeit a worrying, creepy and downright terrifying genius. Kane on the other hand would simply walk around boiler rooms, followed by an eerie organ sound and a dim red light, maniacally laughing to himself, before falling in love with the first woman who makes eye contact with him. Only for him to end up destroying her for merely talking to another man.
So, it may make the world a much more dangerous place than it already is, but it?d also make everyday life more entertaining when we don?t have to wait until night time to catch our favourite superstars for a couple of hours at a time. Also, for all you perves (basically my entire readership I?m guessing) imagine if the Divas, both past and present, lived their lives as they do on screen. Some of you would actually stand a chance! Watching some silicone lovelies tear into each other in the middle of the street with everything from chocolate pudding to water balloons would certainly make the hum drum of a 9-5 day much more worthwhile.
Well, that just about wraps things up for this week’s visit to the Casa. I need to find some suitable attire for an entire day spent in a park surrounded by drunks, marijuana clouds and flying cups of piss. In the meantime, feel free to email me your thoughts on the Casa to email@example.com or, like several of you have already done, follow me on Twitter at @JoeBaia. Your following will be much appreciated I assure you.
Until next time,