Baiamonte's Casa #15
May 18, 2009
By: Joe Baiamonte of WrestleView.com
Ciao and welcome to what is likely to be the most pervtacular column in WrestleView history. This week in the Casa, yours truly is going to share with you the findings from his investigation (best investigation ever, may I add) into what makes the perfect wrestling Diva.
Now, I could keep this short, sweet and incredibly misogynistic and say the perfect Diva needs to be stick thin and blonde with a pair of chest balls that could breast feed an entire Kindergarten. However, I?m not that guy, well, not all the time anyway.
See, the world of wrestling divas has changed significantly over the past few years. Remember what the WWE's Diva roster consisted of in the mid to late 90's? You had Sunny, Sable, Terri/Marlena, Debra, Jacqueline and erm, Chyna (vomits in mouth). Four out of those six women were blondes with cleavages that looked like the Basham's heads stuffed inside a bra. Being eye candy was the aim of the game back then (with the blatant exception of Joanie ?I?ve got a bigger dick than ?'s of the male roster? Laurer) whereas now, especially with the advent of the WWE's PG rating, much more emphasis is being placed on actual in ring ability and character work.
So being a Diva is a much more all encompassing job nowadays. Ashley Massaro will tell you the exact same thing. She had the whole blonde anorexic with fake jugs and no talent thing going for a while before she was shipped out, and now she's involved in an illegal escort ring. Classy.
So what exactly does make the perfect wrestling Diva? Not many have been able to combine good looks with great in ring work. Trish Stratus brought women's wrestling on leaps and bounds in the WWE, and for my money, is far and away the best all round Diva in history. She had the looks, talent both in the ring and out, and even worked as a valet to boot. Impressive, but does it make her the perfect Diva?
A Diva, first and foremost, needs to have longevity. All the booby shaking and bra and panties matches in the world are irrelevant if you?re gone two minutes later. I?ll refer again to (tr)Ashley Massaro (I know that little ?tr? was wildly immature, but I couldn?t resist). Here's a doll who wins the Diva search, becomes Matt Hardy's rebound shag piece, gets chosen as the company's annual Playboy cover girl and scores a WrestleMania Women's Title match to cap it off. But let's face it, no one's remembering Ashley Massaro in a few years time. The fact she had a face even a mother couldn?t love and if she opened her legs a thousand cocks would literally fall out of her don?t help her cause either.
A Diva needs to be around for a good five years at least. An exception would be Sunny, who was really the first Diva and featured so heavily on WWE programming for her entire tenure with the company that it?d be near impossible to forget her. Just look at the Divas who are remembered most fondly by fans. Trish had a seven year run, Lita a little longer than that, Terri was around for nearly a decade also and the likes of Victoria, Torrie Wilson and Stacey Keibler all had pretty lengthy runs. When you?re ogling the same pair of tits or arse cheeks every week for so long, you?re sure as shit going to remember them. Christ knows how much business those women did for Kleenex in this past decade.
Next up, a Diva has to have something original about their character, or at least a defining feature. Trish was the first of the ?Diva? breed who could actually wrestle, and also filled the busty blonde void left by Sable. Lita was the alternative type, who was essentially Stratus? foil. Stacey Keibler had legs you?d shoot your Grandma to climb up, whilst Torrie Wilson did two Playboy shoots and was inclined to getting dyked up every now and again. On the current roster, the top Divas all have something defining about their characters. Melina is the papparazi loving glamorous type, who also has the Latina look to boot, whilst Mickie is the crazy chick and Beth Phoenix is the dominating, masculine type. You?ve also got the Bella Twins, and every guy loves twins, so they?re onto a winner with their schtick too.
It's not enough any more just to be a blonde silicone factory any more, a fact which current ECW General Manager Tiffany is sure to find out the hard way. Kelly Kelly, whilst a hard working and improving Diva, needs something else as well. She's got a body made for sin, even if her face is a bit 'special kid?, and she's the object of desire for many a man's right hand, but she doesn?t sing like Jillian, or have Maryse's arrogant gimmick. She's like her real surname suggests, ?blank?. Don?t get me wrong, I respect her for showing improvement in the ring and constantly wanting to better herself, but she's leagues behind many of the other Divas on the roster, and most likely always will be until she finds a niche for herself. That said, I would obviously throw a fuck up her.
So that's character and longevity sorted. Obviously, in ring skills are important as I have already touched upon. Now, a Diva can be perfectly acceptable and entertaining without being a female Ric Flair in the ring. Terri Runnels is the greatest example of this that comes to my mind. Terri was a train wreck in the ring, but my word did she know how to not wear clothes and get your attention. The self proclaimed ?She Devil?, she was the definition of the MILF Diva and was involved with many of the WWE's most bizarre superstars, from Goldust to Brian Pillman to Perry friggin? Saturn! Terri worked around her wrestling inadequacies and became every wrestling fan's favourite MILF, when she could so easily have been another generic Diva. Let's all be thankful she didn?t stick with the Alexandra York gimmick her entire career.
Whereas actual wrestling skills tend to be vital to a male superstars success, with Divas it's nowhere near as essential. Nowadays maybe it's more important, but historically, many of the Divas that we hold in the highest regard were painful to watch wrestling wise. Can anybody name a half decent Stacy Keibler or Torrie Wilson match? Hell, Sable wasn?t involved in anything particularly spectacular outside of having handprints painted on her ta ta's. In ring skills are a bonus as far as I?m concerned. It certainly makes a Diva more well rounded, there's no denying, and I imagine if I?d wrote this column in three or four years time I?d be saying in ring talent is absolutely essential, with the way the WWE is re marketing it's women's division recently. The rehiring of Gail Kim is testament to this.
Finally, knowing when and where to flash the flesh is VITAL in making a great Diva. If a Diva is parading around every week wearing a dental floss thong, why would you be bothered about seeing it after six or seven shows? Trish very rarely wore skimpy outfits, but when she did, everyone lost their minds over it. It was like a national event that had to be marked on every man's calendar. Similarly with Debra. In her late 90's prime, Debra wore the same business suit type attire every week, but then kicked it up a notch at PPV's when she opted for a bikini. Candice Michelle, whilst being hotter than a 100 degree day, has nothing to offer in terms of shock value any more. She's done soft porn and Playboy and appeared in more sexual skits on TV than all the other Divas in history combined, and guess what? No one's that interested in her now, whereas two or three years ago, she was the Diva every man (and woman for that matter) wanted to get within licking distance of. Us menfolk may love T&A, but tell us we?re only going to see it once a month rather than maybe two or three times a week, and we?ll look forward to it a shitload more.
Well perves, there's your Divas fix. I hope you enjoyed it, but not too much, as the thought of one of my columns being responsible for even one ?happy tissue? makes me shudder uncontrollably (and not in a good way).
Anyway, next week, your visit to the Casa of Baiamonte will be about gimmick matches we have yet to see and which new ideas could work. Again, I?m sure Vince Russo will be keeping more than one eye out for it. Watch plenty of TNA and old Japanese deathmatch tapes in the meantime, and feel free to send me some feedback either in the comments section on here if down with WV VIP (YEAH YOU KNOW ME!!!) or alternatively, email me at [email protected]
or follow me on Twitter at @JoeBaia.
Until next time Casa uns and perves alike, arriverderci.