Before I begin can I?d just like to dedicate this column to my Great Grandma Matilda Rose Joss who passed away this past Tuesday, aged 95.
It’s here! It’s finally here! The biggest event in the Wrestling calendar and possibly the biggest wrestling event of all time is finally upon us at the time of writing. I?m sure you all know what I?m talking about. It if of course the 9 week birthday of ?Baiamonte’s Casa?! I was thinking of making this column a PPV only read, but I?m just too nice a bloke to charge you people (that’s not an ethnic slur by the way) for my writing. I think I?ll save the PPV column for number 50. It?ll have pictures and everything.
I am of course kidding (but not really). I am writing this column with WrestleMania 25 less than 12 hours away. In the words of my good friend Alex Norwood ?I am moist with anticipation?. A crude analogy, but a true one nonetheless.
It was with WrestleMania in mind that I decided upon the topic of today’s column. That topic being, ?which wrestlers I would invite to a WrestleMania party?. I should say now that originally it was ?dinner party?, but ?WrestleMania party? just makes more sense. Although I?ll admit it was a toss up between ?WrestleMania party? and ?which divas to invite to an orgy? at one rather inebriated point in the early hours of Thursday morning. But bearing in mind my Mum tends to read this column, I thought better of it on the hangover curing bus ride home the next day.
So, when thinking of who to invite to a WrestleMania party, you have to think about which key elements make up one. There’s alcohol of course, usually enough to last your party’s contingent three weeks, but yet it still manages to vanish by the time the closing fireworks have started wreaking havoc on the unsuspecting live crowd. Then there’s the food. The junkier the better. Anything which puts you on the verge of needing a triple heart bypass once it’s been consumed.
Those there are the two KEY elements. So you?re drunk, covered in pizza and you?ve just bodyslammed your best friend through your picnic bench. Now, the phone rings and a voice says, ?to ensure you enjoy the WrestleMania experience to the fullest, you can choose any five wrestling personalities past or present to join in your festivities?. Who do you pick? Well, to help you in your choices (ok I know this actually won?t happen to anyone tonight, so the following advice is actually about as pointless as a nun’s womb (sorry Mum, or for that matter, any nuns that are reading)) I?ve compiled THE list of the top five wrestling personalities to invite to your WrestleMania party. I?d even go so far as to deem this the ?official? list, as I?m blissfully unaware of anything similar. And even if there is already one of these lists, fuck it, mine’s better.
1) Jim Ross ? Remember the two key elements I mentioned about a paragraph or so ago? Who knows good cooking like good ol? J.R.? The guy owns his own BBQ restaurant out in Oklahoma and has his own range of sauces. He’s the Paul Newman of wrestling (only he’s alive and probably not as good an actor I?m guessing). There’s no one I?d rather have manning the grill and serving me and my mates up with more burgers, steaks and ribs than we can shake a shitty stick at. All the while, the Rossatron would be regaling us with stories of WrestleMania’s gone by, only pausing to let out a ?BAH GAWD? or a ?GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY?. Plus, is there anything more manly than an old guy in a cowboy hat flipping steaks and downing a few beers? I?d like to think J.R. enjoys a Cuban (cigar, not some form of Latin American prostitute) whilst at the grill. No site would make me happier.
2) Steve Austin ? Ok, so food’s taken care of, now we need booze. And who better than this newly crowned Hall of Famer to take care of it? I?m not sure what Austin’s preferred tipple is, I?d just pray to God it’s not Budweiser or anything ?light?, as both are what I imagine dog piss to taste like. Ideally ?The Rattlesnake? would provide us with enough premium lager to ignite an impromptu battle royale during the Divas version tonight, and I?m sure the ?Bionic Redneck? (ok so I?m a stickler for nicknames) knows his faire share of drinking games too. My personal favourite of choice is to drink everytime Michael Cole says ?Vintage (insert name here)?. I?d be long gone by match number three I bet. Also, what’s also worth remembering is how large parties which are frequented by a large group of testosterone fuelled wrestling nuts are always going to be a target for neighbour complaints and consequently, police visits. Now which superstar in recent memory had the most dealings with the police? I can?t remember a week that went by throughout ?98 and ?99 where Austin wasn?t fending off the filth left, right and centre during his legendary feud with Vince Mcmahon. So not only is he my acting brewery for the evening and Hell raising instigator, he’s also the muscle of the group who?ll deal with any visits from the law with consummate ease.
3) Zach Gowen ? Let’s face it, every party needs the geeky lad who has his first beer and tells everyone he loves them before passing out in a pool of his own vomit. And who better to fit that role than the one legged wonder that is Zach Gowen? Just think of the pranks. From having him drink out of his fake leg to hiding the thing altogether, to inviting Brock Lesnar round to beat the shit out of him (was that the best angle ever? In front of Gowen’s mum no less). Not that I condone bullying, but this would be too much fun to pass up. Maybe inviting the UFC Heavyweight champion round would be a bit much in hindsight. Austin could just stunner Gowen instead. Either way I?d be happy.
4) RVD ? Every party in the history of parties has had a dope man. Some guys just aren?t content with the booze. They get too bloated off the beer or they get too violent after a few, so they chill out with a doobie and a burger and watch the main event in slow mo whilst giggling like a school girl who’s been sniffing liquid gold at lunchtime. RVD’s the party’s hook up. No one really knows him but he’s cool enough to not be harassed by the bullies and just the right amount of comic book cool to hang around with the nerds at the same time. The only downside is, with Van Dam supplying the party with dope, J.R. may need to pull double duty and get an extra grill on the go to keep up with the demand as half of the party hits the munchies trail hard and fast. Well maybe not fast. And J.R. isn?t the fittest bloke in the world, so I imagine manning two hot grills would result in some serious Ross sweat, which is the last thing I want dripping on my Aberdeen angus.
5) Tazz ? Well he’s got nothing else to do has he? Ok, I know he left on good terms and wasn?t ?future endeavored?, but it’s got to sting knowing that your contract expired five days before one of the biggest shows in history where you may have been announcing the main event. Tazz seems like a nice guy to boot. Plus, you ever seen him on the WWE 24/7 Roundtable discussions? Guy knows his cigars, another important ?man element? that should go into every WrestleMania party. Plus, if the guy can walk into a hospital with a broken neck and not know what’s wrong with him other than his neck hurts a bit, then he’s another guy you?ll want around if any do-good neighbours try to spoil the fun. I?d turn the volume down for the main event and have him and J.R. strut their stuff live in my living room. I?d follow this up with a Stone Cold beer bash before delivering an atomic wedgie to an unconscious Zach Gowen, turning him into a human pi?ata, using his prosthetic leg as the club. Cruel? Extremely. Funny? Even more so.
Well there you have it. The ultimate WrestleMania house party experience. If the above superstars prove hard to come by tonight, just settle for your own body weight in alcohol, pizza and crack (only if it ends up being a terrible show am I condoning this). I hope you all enjoy the show tonight, I?m two pints down on an empty stomach as I write this having just witnessed a dramatic last gasp Manchester United victory. Things may only get blurrier from here on. It’s going to be special I?m sure. I?ve predicted an Aurora Rose Levesque run in to aid her father into retaining his Title. It’s going to happen mark my words.
So it’s arriverderci once more from the Casa. Enjoy WrestleMania and say no to drugs. They?re bad m?kay?
Next week’s Casa will be on?? TBA. If you?ve any suggestions for what it could be about, get them emailed to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I?ll take them into consideration no matter how weird or wonderful they are.