Dream matches, one of the Holy Grail’s of the wrestling industry. Wrestling promoters meticulously plot and hype them whilst wrestling fans eagerly anticipate them and become hooked on the aura surrounding them.
However, for all the dream matches we are treated to, there are countless others that fall by the wayside that we can only dream about and think “what if?” The fact that Steve Austin never did go one on one with either Hulk Hogan or Bill Golbderg still irks many a wrestling fan, whilst we have all been confined to the fact that we’ll never see The Rock take on Shawn Michaels and probably won’t see him take on John Cena either.
This doesn’t mean that we are set to be bereft of dream matches for the foreseeable future though. Far from it. For me, John Cena and Batista going toe to toe for the WWE Title at Wrestlemania 26 last month was a dream match. Back in January I was treated to another one at the Royal Rumble when The Undertaker fought Rey Mysterio.
But what are these dream matches? Well the unique selling point of a dream match is that it can be whatever you want it to be. It’s your dream, so you can be as creative as you like. Which is why I present to you Joe Baiamonte’s Five Fabulous Dream Matches!
JOE BAIAMONTE’S FIVE FABULOUS DREAM MATCHES
1) HHH vs John Cena in a ‘Smark On A Pole’ Match – Few guys have taken as much heat from the IWC in recent years. Trips for impregnating the Bosses’ daughter twice and HOLDING EVERYONE DOWN and Cena for apparently being a crappy wrestler who’s not The Rock or Steve Austin and isn’t from the Attitude Era. So the idea for this match is simple. An internet smark is attached to the standard professional wrestling flagpole, the winner is the superstar who retrieves him from the pole first. Their reward? Five minutes of unadulterated ‘shoot’ pummelling with said smark until he cries and pisses his chinos.
2) Jeff Hardy vs Rob Van Dam in a ‘How High?’ Match – This is probably going to happen in TNA before one of these guys is either arrested or stops turning up for shows. The aim of the contest is to see who can get the most stoned within a 30 minute time limit. Each guy gets a hit of drugs for every pinfall or submission scored in that time. Like a Cheech & Chong Iron Man match basically.
3) Edge vs Batista vs Rey Mysterio in a ‘Winner gets to wrestle in an Iron Man outfit for the rest of their career’ Match – Not only are these three gentlemen three of the biggest draws in the modern day WWE, they’re also it’s three most injury prone employees. And unless you’ve been living under a rock since 2008, you’ll have noticed that when Tony Stark dons the Iron Man armour, he’s pretty much invincible. So why not protect your most cherished investments with the latest in combat armour technology from Stark Industries?
4) The Entire X Division in a ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!’ X Division Retirement Match – Because this is what every right minded wrestling fan thinks whenever an X Division match is presented to them nowadays. Multi man mindfucks inside a steel cage that looks like a compacted anus or ones that entail scaffolding have become the norm so frequently and easily it’s scary in TNA. So why not just admit what everyone’s thinking and throw every X Division wrestler into one big last hurrah where they can perform their little High School Musical/Cirque Du Soleil/Glee routines until the Division is officially declared dead and wrestling can get back to being normal. Well, as normal as is humanly possible in TNA. The victor gets a developmental contract with the WWE.
5) Nick Hogan vs David Flair in a ‘Who’s The Bigger Disappointment?’ Match – Because let’s face it, the two biggest stars in wrestling history deserve better offspring. Dave may not be the embarrassment Nick is, in fact, from what I do know about him, he seems quite quiet and reserved and has stayed clear of the media surprisingly well bearing in mind who his father is. However, that is precisely the problem. Where’s the limousine riding and jet flying? Why isn’t Dave a multiple time World Champ who will happily drink champagne from between the arse cheeks of a stripper in a Vegas hotel suite just hours before a big Title match? Why hasn’t he inherited any of his Dad’s genes? The fact he doesn’t own a ‘Naitch Junior’ robe disgusts and sickens me. Nick Hogan just generally disgusts and sickens me and even though his pops isn’t much to write home about nowadays, he’s still a bigger disappointment than a tissue stuffed bra.
Of course I could go on in this age of ‘any gimmick goes’ matches, but then I’d be nothing more than… well… Vince Russo. But of course feel free to oblige any of your own ideas to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and remember, the more surreal the better. I usually read your fan mail over one or a dozen rums/gins/martinis so keep it weird and wonderful.
Until next time dear readers,