50? 50? How the fuck did we manage to make it this far? 50 weeks of me sitting here at this laptop, over a couple or three beers typing whatever psycho babble enters my think tank. Fifty weeks of slapstick murmurings and late night hysterics. As Lennon, McCartney, Harrison and (less so) Starr would say, it’s been a magical mystery tour. Only in spandex and with more man slaps, but with far fewer hallucinogens.
So just what has been learned on this adventure? I can safely say we?ve all become far better creatures for the past 50 weeks. More world weary and increasingly more versed in the avant garde ways of the squared circle. But just in case some of your memories are a little hazy, let’s just take a stroll down memory lane and look at the 50 things we?ve learned during our short, sweet time together.
50 Things Baiamonte’s Casa Have Taught Us To Be FACT
The more sequins on an outfit, the better.
There’s always a great montage video in even the worst feuds.
Ashley Massaro has a vagina like a wizard’s sleeve.
More matches should be contested over luxurious Hawaiian vacations.
The average Tibetan Monk has worked his way through fifty times more pussAY than every smark and indie fan boy put together.
European wrestlers were born to be Communists, Nazis and terrorists for every North American wrestling promotion in history.
A wrestler without a beard is like a Porno without a money shot. Fucking pointless.
You only get a pass for not having a beard if your name is Ric Flair.
Shawn Michaels needs to see Elton John’s wig guy.
Studio wrestling is a lost art form that desperately needs to make a return.
Said studio wrestling does not, I repeat DOES NOT include TNA’s abortion of a studio set they currently work out of at an amusement park.
A wrestler can only be considered to be legitimately great when he has sung his own theme tune. Again, Ric Flair gets a pass as he contributed ?WOOOOOOOOOO!!? to his WWE theme.
If there’s a gimmick match, Vince Russo will find a way to make the reversed version of it.
TNA’s main event scene barely has a functioning limb between them.
The Great Khali chopping someone in the head is a infinitely more entertaining than 99.9% of all modern junior/cruiserweight matches combined.
The Great Khali in general is more entertaining than 99.9% of modern professional wrestling.
The Great Khali IS Pro Wrestling!
Doctor Death Steve Williams opened the gates of Heaven by Oklahoma Stampeding St. Peter through them.
God apologised to Steve for St. Peter being such a whiny bitch about the whole situation.
God then gave Williams his lunch money.
More wrestling PPV’s need to be held at sea.
Wooden chairs are much more manly than steel chairs.
Zack Ryder is gonna grind on every piece of pussy in the WWE locker room, because he’s the fuckin? man, and everyone should know it!
Should I ever get the chance to step into a WWE ring, my opponent of choice would be Maryse. Maryse would go over via a 30 minute stink face.
Chris Masters is gonna Pec Flex his way to championship gold this year. Immediately following his rendition of ?Fuck Tha Police?.
John Morrison will wear World Title gold this year and then wear the belt as if it’s a second cock wherever he goes.
The Iron Sheik needs his own chat show segment on WWE TV called ?Shootin? With The Sheik?. It will involve very little chat and copious amounts of back breaking, camel clutching, ass fucking and humbleness. His words, not mine.
Sheamus is an angry Irish ghost.
HHH stole Harley Race’s mutton chops.
Ric Flair banged your mother.
So did Tully Blanchard.
Kurt Angle is insane. Not in a good way either. In the ?likely to be daubing shit all over himself within two years? kind of insane.
No one is doing more for the popularity of bullying than Batista at the moment. All he has failed to do so far is stuff Rey Mysterio into a locker.
Ricky Steamboat is still a better wrestler in his 50’s than 85% of the active wrestling population.
It’s a crime Arnold Schwarzenegger never entered the world of Professional Wrestling. Had he done so, he would have concurrently held all the Titles, including the Women’s belt before retiring them when he went to film Kindergarten Cop.
Nothing screams GAY like a ?Chainmail on A Pole? match.
The High School Musical dance sequences were essentially the blueprint for every X Division multi man match last year.
Kid Rock should never be allowed near a Wrestlemania, or any other wrestling event ever again. Unless it’s so he can be continuously punched in the face by The Big Show.
Randy Orton should have tea bagged Stephanie Mcmahon when he had the chance.
It’s a miracle that eclipses even the feeding of the five thousand that Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam managed to coherently plan two PPV matches together in 2001.
R Truth is about as entertaining as Matt Hardy’s voice.
Chris Jericho is living proof that Backstreet Boys highlights have never been a good look. Not even for the Backstreet Boys in the 90’s.
What Chris Jericho loses in the manly stakes with his hair, he more than makes up for with everything else. Namely pie facing overly aggressive, annoying women and kicking dwarves in the head.
Santino needs the Divas Championship. And soon.
The WWE band ?The Wrestlers? needs to jump on the reunion bandwagon and re record ?Land of a Thousand Dances?.
No one’s going to be happy until The Rock hosts Raw.
Randy Orton really should have water boarded John Cena at Breaking Point.
The Nasty Boys being back anywhere near a wrestling ring is a terrifying prospect for all concerned. Just like it was a terrifying prospect 15 years ago. Well done Hogan.
Randy Orton’s mad voice sounds like Seth Rogen.
Ric Flair’s shoes cost more than your house.
Drink it in ladies and gentlemen. It always goes down smooth. 50 top class memories from the almost year that was. And speaking of milestones, in two weeks time the Casa will officially be celebrating it’s 1st Birthday! So I guess that means it?ll be struggling to walk, crapping itself and still sucking on tits. Hey, if you can think of a better way to spend your birthday, I?d like to hear it!
Anyway, to mark this monumental occasion I?ve decided to put together a celebration of all things 80’s. Absolutely every phenomenal aspect of the decade of decadence will be covered with the help of several of my Wrestleview colleagues. No stone will be left unturned as the Casa shows it’s appreciation for the greatest decade in wrestling history. Expect big hair and big fights.
Until next time, you can drop me a line at email@example.com and I?ll do my best to reply to you. I?ve been a real deadbeat with that lately.