You lucky, lucky people! I completely forgot what day it was due to the way the Christmas period traditionally disorientates my internal calendar. However, like the consummate professional that I am, I remembered in the nick of time. Just when I was settling down with some Christmas chocolate and my Monty Python’s Flying Circus box set. You bastards.
So what to write about at this reflective time of the year? It’s obvious isn?t it? I?m presenting you with my 2009 awards ceremony. Although in typical Baiamonte’s Casa style, these won?t be straight forward awards, but rather alternative awards. Because it’s more fun that way. So there.
By the way, I?ll just say now, I personally guarantee that these awards are ?Imma let you finish? free.
The Official Baiamonte’s Casa Alternative Year End Awards
Best Bully of 2009
The aftermath of the Fatal Four Way World Heavyweight Championship match at Bragging Rights this year gave us something we have been waiting to see for almost five years. Dave Batista turned heel. Now, there was nothing at all wrong with babyface Batista. I was one of his biggest fans. But I?ve filled up on face Batista like turkey at Christmas, and it was time for him to start flushing heads down toilets, stealing lunch money and dishing out atomic wedgies. All of which he did on a faithful night in November. But Batista turning into Nelson Muntz wasn?t the only reason I chose him for this award. It was for the opponent he chose to turn on. Poor little Rey Mysterio. Seriously, who sells a beating by a monster better than Rey? In his ?I?m gonna rip your head off? post match beat down, Batista effectively looked like King Kong kicking the shit out of a baby orang-utan. Then he ruined Maria’s Slammy’s acceptance speech whilst wearing a tight fitting pink shirt. The man has Hall of Fame written all over him for his actions these past two months alone.
Baiamonte’s Casa Award for Services to Surgeons in 2009
Copeland edges Mysterio out of this by a pubic hair. Both are vets of the surgeons table but the Rated R Superstar takes the cake for this year. I guess I?m just feeling sympathetic as the word is he’s likely to miss WrestleMania 26 due to his Achilles tendon layoff, a ?Mania spot which would have likely seen him facing off against Chris Jericho in one of the main events. It’s a crying shame that such a talented performer has a body made out of candyfloss. I suggest Edge take lessons from Terry Funk on how to walk like a 70 year old.
Most Weirdly Attractive Female in Wrestling 2009
Winner: Vickie Guerrero
Yes I said it. What can I say? I find power sexy, and Vickie has been General Manager of both Raw and Smackdown. Plus if her on screen persona is anything to go by, she puts out pretty easily too. I wouldn?t mind her being repackaged as a cougar (not the big cat) and seducing The Miz. It?d make for the greatest double act in recent wrestling history. Either that or turn her lesbian with Beth Phoenix. I?d like to see Beth bench press Vickie whilst they both wear sports bras. Would that be acceptable on PG programming?
Guy Who Really Wants to be on The Wire Award 2009
Winner: Jeff Hardy
C?mon, anyone getting caught with that much dope on him must be running drugs in one of the towers. I?m not sure whether he’s a Barksdale or a Marlo Stanfield affiliate though. All I know is, Jeff’s catchphrase upon his return to the WWE better be ‘shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit? and he better be hailing from Baltimore, Maryland. Even Keith Richards would struggle to put the amount of drugs Jeff had on him up his nostrils or in his veins. I?ve heard his comeback feud in the ?E? is against Omar Little.
The Broski Award 2009
Winner: Zack Ryder
It’s amazing what a gimmick can do for a career. In the middle of the year I was giving this guy the ?I?m still employed? HOW?!? award, now, he’s one of my favourite guys to watch every week. All that’s missing from his routine is the Jaegerbombs, some Ed Hardy attire and a Tiesto entrance theme. Zack Ryder keeps his collar popped, because he’s the fuckin? man, and everyone in ECW should know it! He definitely grunts when he gets his swell on at the gym.
Best Stipulation for a match Award 2009
Winner: Winner gets a trip to Hawaii ? Chris Jericho vs MVP
Thank God for The Price is Raw serving this sucker up. Bob Barker is a genius. Why aren?t more matches fought for prizes like this? I want to see HHH and The Undertaker duke it out for a muffin basket or Sheamus and Finlay slugging it out over a barrel of Guinness.
The ?We?re dishing out suckjobs to lots of important people to keep our jobs? Award 2009
Winners: The Bella Twins
What the fuck do these two do? They?re not even THAT hot. Combine that with an inability to wrestle at the most basic of levels AND the fact they?ve got the combined charisma of a potato and it’s an utter mystery as to why they?re still on the payroll. Their jaws and wrists must ache.
The Baiamonte’s Casa Award for most erections responsible for over the past calendar year
I love her. She needs to win every Title in the company and wear a skimpy new outfit made only of croissants. She’s the greatest asset in the Divas Division right now and has probably reminded many an elderly wrestling fan that they?re weapons can still fire after all. Ms. Ouellet, I salute you (I?m not telling you what with though!)
And Finally?. The Biggie? The One You?ve All Been Waiting For…
The Guy of The Year Award for 2009 goes to…
He’s approaching 40 and has hair like a Backstreet Boy, is in a glam metal band in his spare time which he also spends punching out annoying female fans. He’s taken up wearing suits wherever he goes and insulted innumerable amounts of people worldwide with words 90% of them couldn?t understand, and when he got himself into a sticky situation, he got a giant to punch his enemies unconscious for him. Need another reason for why Chris Jericho has won this award? The man’s a genius.
And so the curtain comes down on 2009 and a new decade approaches. What will 2010 hold for the WWE, TNA, ROH and most importantly, Baiamonte’s Casa? Well all shall be revealed in next week’s visit when I make my predictions for the forthcoming year of grappling.
Until then though, I?ll wish you a Happy New Year. If you wish to reciprocate the gesture, you can do so at email@example.com.