Ciao bambinos. Come on in and enjoy another edition of the trend setting psycho babble that is Baiamonte’s Casa. Well, maybe not trend setting, but definitely psycho babble as I?ve put away a few Bank Holiday weekend beers at the time of writing.
I?ll be honest with you, I couldn?t be more excited about this week’s column. Earlier this week, I was browsing the social networking animal that is Facebook when my friend and fellow Wrestleview columnist Anthony Valvo peaked my attention with a video he?d posted. It was a wrestling fan video blog taken from Youtube, wittily entitled ?Phil Brooks Fuck You #3?.
Now for those of you who don?t know, Phil Brooks is the real name of current World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk. It seems MB69RatedR knows this very well and has used the knowledge of Punker’s real name to whip up a shit storm of hilarity over on the ?Tube. Not intentional hilarity mind you. Hilarity in the only way a wrestling video blogger can be??.. the crying, screaming mark.
Before I go on, here’s the link to this insanity. I dig the guy’s highlights:
Now, once you?ve digested what you?ve just seen, read on.
This fellow, with his criminally long ?werewolf gone camp? hair and Darth Vader breathing techniques, represents a scary corner of the IWC that even the IWC is ashamed of. Now, I?m all for ?marks? and the action of ?marking out? but there’s a line that you shouldn?t cross, and wolfy here crossed that line some time ago, with no intentions of looking back.
In this day and age, I?m guessing even borderline retards know that pro wrestling is fixed. Just like the Eurovision Song Contest. So how is it physically possible to become so worked up by the scripted actions of one wrestler? It’s akin to walking out of a cinema screaming ?Fuck you Joker, you queer make up wearing jerk off.!? Seriously, I was almost worried for this guy’s health before realising that his videos were too funny to make me care about him.
But MB69RatedR is not alone in his quest for wrestling vengeance. In 2008 a couple of hip, cool, down right funny dudes decided to spoof the horrendously popular and coma inducing song ?Hey There Delilah? by Plain White T’s by penning ?Hey There John Cena?, a ?cutting? tirade fueled by their anger of Cena returning at the Royal Rumble that year and emerging triumphant. This came at the height of Cena hatred where smarks and fanboys everywhere derided Cena from his moveset to his fancy PPV entrances.
But why? Why hate John Cena for doing as his boss tells him? If you were a wrestler and you got offered the chance to make a grand, unique entrance into the main event of Wrestlemania, wouldn?t you take it? If Vince Mcmahon said to you ?Hey kid we?re gonna put the Title on you for 13 months? who would you be to argue? Sure, the booking of a programme or feud may not be to everyone’s taste and I can see why fans become frustrated with Cena’s dominance. Believe me I was left practically speechless at the lumberjack match he had with The Miz when Jeremy Piven was guest GM. I don?t need to go into detail as I?m sure the details of said match are fresh in everyone’s memory.
But that’s not Cena’s fault is it? He has been booked to win in that manner. I didn?t break down afterwards and damn Cena to Hell. I wasn?t impressed with the Raw creative team’s efforts, but I wasn?t disgusted at any of the workers involved in the match.
All this does however is make these poor soul’s heartache all the more joyous to watch. It means I know there are people out there who purport the stereotype of the Internet Wrestling Community being, as someone in the Wrestleview forums once put it so eloquently ?functionally retarded?. Ok, these guys are extreme cases, of that there is no debate, but extreme cases that make me ever so happy. The pretentious snobbery of the IWC is something which has always amused and bemused me in equal dosage. You know the type. They sneer at a wrestler because he doesn?t use 488763128 different moves in each one of his matches. They applaud the physical, head dumping style of wrestling because it maintains the intensity and ‘sport? of wrestling, yet also led to Chris Benoit murdering his wife and seven year old son. A fact they would never acknowledge of course. They just plain aren?t familiar with the concept of ?less is more? and for the love of God don?t ever question the talent of a junior or X Division worker or the High School Musical brand of wrestling they promote, complete with moves so choreographed the only thing missing from their matches is Jazz Hands and a ?Goooooooooooooooooooooooo X DIVISION!!!? chant.
Now the real acid test for smarks, video bloggers and general IWC clowns everywhere will be seeing how long they withstand indie wrestling pin up Bryan ?American Dragon? Danielson’s run in the WWE, after signing with the company last week. An immensely talented worker, Danielson’s style is obviously going to evolve into something slightly different no doubt in Mcmahon land, as he attempts to keep crowds of thousands on the edge of their seats, rather than a few hundred ROH die hards, and with this change in style (no matter how slight it may be) will no doubt come unfounded criticisms of the WWE system as the internet explodes in an orgy of anti Vince slurs, just because, y?know, Vince doesn?t want Danielson feuding with a guy over how many teeth have (genuinely) been lost or concussions have been (again genuinely) suffered during their matches. Think these IWC?ers and video bloggers are going to give Danielson’s run a chance? Just like the new ECW got a chance (he says doing the biggest eye roll ever) with them. Think again is what I say.
The IWC is a dark place, something which is painstakingly apparent upon your maiden voyage into it’s murky depths. The fun loving marks are few and far between, as my endless search for someone with the same amount of love for the likes of Ken Shamrock and The Black Scorpion storyline testifies. However, the people who take wrestling FAR and I mean FAR too seriously are evidently abundant, aren?t they MB69RatedR?
Until next time Hombres. Arrivederci.