With Sandy rocking northeastern America, everyone’s favourite fist-pumping recapper is taking cover. For once, it pays to be Canadian, so here I am to recap Raw for you tonight. Are you ready? Then stop questioning your heart, and join me on this wild ride.
We see pictures of the ending of Hell in a Cell, with the referee low-blowing Ryback, to screw him out of the WWE Title.
The WWE Champion, CM Punk, limps to the ring, with Paul Heyman in tow. His ribs are heavily taped. Punk says that we all thought that Ryback was unbeatable, but he proved us wrong. He points to JR, calling him “buckethead”, and calls him wrong. Punk points to a number of audience members, and calls them wrong. He says he’s been proving people wrong since day 1. He snatched Rey Mysterio from the sky, proved the Anaconda Vice was stronger than the Viper, Randy Orton, and has beaten “Superman” John Cena, time and time again. Ryback isn’t even in the conversation, but he’s going to talk about his monumental victory. Punk has been accused of convincing the referee to interfere on his behalf, but he swears that he had nothing to do with it, and told Vickie Guerrero as much. That referee is incompetent, as evidenced by being hired by the incompetent former-GM, AJ Lee. CM Punk is the best in the world, and no one can erase that, no matter how hard anybody tries. Ryback is history, and there will be no rematch.
The Hardcore Legend, Mick Foley, surprisingly interrupts, and makes his way to the ring. Punk is mildly upset about being cut off. Mildly. Punk makes a joke about Foley being homeless and displaced by Hurricane Sandy, and Mick’s happy he still has his sense of humour, after getting Shell Shocked last night, on top of the Cell. He’s not out to embarrass Punk, because Punk did a fine job of that himself. Foley gave Punk a chance to live up to tradition and become a legend, by facing John Cena in Hell in a Cell, and Punk blew it. Punk shows off his wounds, saying that there’s your tradition right there. Tradition is him holding the WWE Title for nearly a year. Punk jokingly challenges Foley to a Survivor Series match, Team Foley vs. Team Punk. Mick Foley… accepts. Punk starts to say that it doesn’t matter who Foley picks to be on his team, but here comes RYBACK~! Punk & Heyman bail to the crowd. Hopefully no fans get punched this time.
Ryback vs. JTG
JTG is not happy to be in that ring, as Ryback licks his chops. Ryback throws him down face-first, then hits a front slam. JTG breaks free, but gets killed by a Lou Thesz Press. Ryback repeatedly slams JTG’s head to the mat, lifts him up, and hits the Meat Hook clothesline. FINISH IT~! Ryback picks up the lifeless JTG, and drops him with Shell Shocked. Thanks for coming out, junior.
Winner via Shell Shock: Ryback
Josh Mathews is in the ring for an interview. He asks about revenge. Ryback grabs the mic, and Josh takes more. He says that revenge comes from pain, and he’s not hurt; he’s hungry. He wants to feast on CM Punk. He leads the crowd in a “FEED ME PUNK” chant.
Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett
A rematch from Smackdown, where Alberto Del Rio caused a distraction, allowing Barrett to hit the Souvenir Elbow for the win. Collar-and-elbow tie up, and Barrett takes Orton to the turnbuckle. After a clean break, they lock up again. Barrett with a standing side headlock. Orton sends him to the ropes, and nails Barrett with a dropkick. Barrett rolls outside, and Orton follows. After avoiding contact, Barrett begins targetting the arm, but Randy is having none of that, banging Barrett’s head off the ring steps and announce table. Back in the ring, Orton hits his signature stomps. Barrett punches his way up, but is hung up on the top rope on a running big boot attempt. With a head of steam, Orton clotheslines the Englishman down to the floor.
Barrett has Orton down with an arm bar, pulling back on the fingers. During the break, he sent Orton’s shoulder into the ring post. Orton fights up, but eats a knee to the gut. Barrett with a leg grapevine on the arm, then sends a hammerlocked Viper into the turnbuckle. Orton is choked on the ropes, then has his arm snapped on the top rope. Barrett with some knees to the face, with Orton tied up in the ropes, and hits a big boot to send him to the apron. The English Rose with another arm bar, but Orton fights back with clotheslines. Scoop powerslam by Orton, and Barrett eats a suspended DDT for dessert. Orton loads up an RKO, but Barrett pushes him off and hits Winds of Change for a near fall. He wraps up Orton’s arm, to hit the Souvenir Elbow, but it turns out that he was just coiling the snake. One RKO later, and this is in the bag.
Winner via RKO: Randy Orton
Vickie Guerrero approaches AJ Lee in her office. My apologies, but the satellite that’s feeding me Raw cuts out for most of their conversation. Back under control, Vickie asks what AJ what her biggest weakness is. AJ says that she can get too attached to her job, and Guerrero asks if she means that she’s crazy. When she returns, she wants AJ to give her one good reason why she should be offered a contract.
Team Hell No vs. The Prime Time Players
Darren Young and Daniel Bryan start things out. Young takes it to Bryan, but is caught by a leg screw. He hits his No Kicks, and Kane tags himself in. He’s hung up on the ropes, but turns things around immediately, hitting a clothesline in his own corner. Bryan tags himself back in, and screams NO at Kane. Titus O’Neil tags in, and hits a big bodyslam. Bryan tries to kick his way out, but is scoop slammed. Darren Young in, and takes Bryan to the mat for a chinlock, then transitions to a rear bear hug. Bryan elbows out, and hits a running clothesline. Kane tags himself in, and hits a big flurry in the corner, then follows up with a couple running clotheslines and a sidewalk slam, for a near fall. Kane goes up, and hits a diving clothesline. Young fights up, but is Chokeslammed into oblivian. Kane follows up by tossing Titus O’Neil to the floor, but this puts him in range of Daniel Bryan, who tags himself in and wraps up Young with a No Lock.
Winners via No Lock: Team Hell No
Daniel Bryan celebrates with both titles, but freezes when he bumps into Kane. Turning, he screams in Kane’s face that Bryan is the Tag Team Champions. Kane explodes the turnbuckles, grabs his title, and we’re into the normal yelling match.
Vickie Guerrero is shown walking backstage. Seems she’s on her way to the ring.
After an in-depth recap of referee Brad Maddux’ brief & infamous career, Vickie Guerrero is out to share her proof that AJ Lee and John Cena had an affair. I say pics or GTFO, Vick. First, she brings out John Cena, who says she’s out to lunch, and he’s only there to clear this all up. We see footage of Cena asking AJ out on a date to In-and-Out Burger. He says that it was a joke, and everybody understood that. Next up is Cena hugging a crying AJ last week. She had just lost her dream job, so he was just being a friend. We then have a picture of Cena & AJ at a nice restaurant, which Cena explains was the business dinner he’s already talked about. Uh oh, now there’s video of AJ heading into an elevator with Cena, in what appears to be a hotel. Cena says that it looks bad, but it really was innocent. He was just walking her home. Vickie turns up the heat, doing everything to imply that they… got horizontal. Cena’s had enough, saying that it’s fine to drag him through the mud, but AJ’s beyond the pale. Dolph Ziggler comes out to rip into Cena, but the Man in Pink grabs him by the collar, and warns Ziggler to never use his name in the same sentence as AJ again, or else. He shoves Dolphy to the mat, and storms out of the ring.
Antonio Cesaro is in the ring before his match. While travelling the United States as its champion, he discovered that America has the fattest children in the world. Worse, Haloween is coming up, where fat kids go around getting more candy, while adults don’t realize that this is a tragedy happening right in front of them. America needs Antonio Cesaro as its champion. Miz is joining commentary, and seems to agree.
Non-Title, Champion vs. Champion Match
Intercontinental Champion, Kofi Kingston vs. United States Champion, Antonio Cesaro
Cesaro muscles Kofi down, and hits a headbutt. He tries to throw Kofi out of the corner, but Kofi cartwheels out. He hits his see-saw turnbuckle kick, but gets caught up in the ropes afterward. Cesaro slams him down, and grabs a key lock. Kofi fights up, and turns around a bodyslam attempt. Kofi dropkicks Cesaro out of the ring, and hits a leaping forearm off the steps. Kofi gets in Miz’ face, and is blindsided. He turns things around and sends Cesaro flying over the announce table into Miz. Miz is up right away, and jumps Kofi for the disqualification.
Winner via Disqualification: Kofi Kingston
Miz & Cesaro go to work on Kofi Kingston, bringing R-Truth out to the ring. The heels decide this fight isn’t worth it, and the former Tag Team Champions seem to be back in business, standing tall in the ring.
Vickie Guerrero is back to talk to AJ. She says that John Cena clearly cares about AJ. If AJ just admits to the affair, Vickie says she’ll give AJ a contract as a Diva, but AJ says that even that isn’t worth lying for. AJ storms off, but Vickie calls her back to say that she’s hired, and will be facing Beth Phoenix later tonight. AJ continues to fume, but then flips the switch, and thanks Vickie with a
We get a video interview with 3MB. Jinder Mahal is the class clown, apparently. Drew McIntyre might be on drugs. When asked if we’ll see them perform, they get quit angry. Nobody bothered Michaelangelo about whether he was finished with that naked statue, before he was ready. All the matters is that they are the 3MB. They have hand signals now. My Lord, this group is so terrible, I can’t help but love it to pieces.
Santino Marella & Zack Ryder vs. 3MB (Heath Slater & Jinder Mahal w/Drew McIntyre)
Zack Ryder and Jinder Mahal start things out. Jinder takes Ryder to the corner, but Ryder’s having none of it, hits a dropkick, and loads up for a Broski Boot. Slater causes a distraction, and Ryder meets the business end of about 20 boots. With quick tags, 3MB keep the pressure on Ryder. Slater slows it down in the middle of the ring with a rear chinlock. Into the turnbuckle, Slater hits a series of strikes, but whiffs on a splash. Santino is tagged in, nails his hip toss, and drops a running headbutt. Jinder Mahal breaks up the pin attempt, and Ryder takes him out of the ring. Santino pulls out the Cobra, but Drew McIntyre hops onto the apron for the distraction. Slater sends Santino to the ropes, and after ducking clear, Santino drops McIntyre with a flying Cobra. Slater uses this time to regroup, and kill Santino with a new finisher. Twisting neckbreaker, with a leg draped over Santino. Honestly, what do you call that? You know what, it’s my recap; I’ll do what I want.
Winners via Band-Aid: 3MB
AJ vs. Beth Phoenix
Beth does not give AJ a warm welcome, with a facewash, and lots of trash talk. After shoving AJ to the mat, Beth dares her to take a shot. AJ *EXPLODES* onto Beth, with a Lou Thesz Press, and frantic strikes. Phoenix slams her to the mat, then tosses AJ outside. AJ is smashed into the ring apron, and thrown back inside for a near fall. AJ wraps up Beth with an inside cradle out of nowhere, and manages to keep her down long enough to get the victory.
Winner via Roll-up: AJ
Vickie Guerrero steps out to the stage to tell AJ that she expect — no, demands — better. Beth Phoenix blindsides AJ, and Guerrero orders the match restarted. Beth nails a Glam Slam, and this one is over… again.
Winner via Glam Slam: Beth Phoenix
Former-World Heavyweight Champion, Sheamus, is out to talk about the end of his lengthy title reign. He doesn’t have a title around his waist, but he has a smile on his face. He’s disappointed at losing, but Big Show was the better man, and he won’t begrudge him that. Sheamus didn’t come to the WWE to always win; he came here to fight, and last night was the greatest fight of his life. He stepped into the ring with a giant, and he pushed him to the limit. Big Show won that battle, but this war is far from over. Sheamus is dying for another fight, and this time he’s going all out, and when it’s over, Sheamus will have a smile on his face, and the title around his waist.
That brings out the new World Heavyweight Champion, The Big Show. He thinks the title looks real good on his shoulder. He knows that Sheamus is smiling because he’s hiding the truth that he hit Big Show with everything he had, and he came up short. Big Show did exactly what he said he’d do. Sheamus wants to talk about battles and wars, and Big Show was pushed further than he’d ever been before. He learned that he has no limits. Big Show wipes smiles off faces, and he enjoys it; he’s going to enjoy knocking the smile off Sheamus’ face. He calls Sheamus a ginger snap.
Sheamus says that was a great speach, and congratulates Big Show on winning the World Heavyweight Championship, but asks if Show has ever seen a ginger snap. Sheamus picks up Big Show, and drops him with some thunderous White Noise.
John Cena is backstage with AJ. He puts an arm around her, congratulates her on getting back in the ring, and walks off. Vickie Guerrero is lurking in the background. As AJ heads out, too, Beth Phoenix shows up to thank Guerrero for restarting the match. In return she… gets fired. Well, that’s not very nice of her at all.
Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara vs. Team Rhodes Scholars
Cody grabs Rey in a side headlock. After a couple crossovers, Rey hits a low dropkick on Rhodes. Sin Cara & Damien Sandow both tag in, and Sandow ducks through the ropes. He grabs a hammerlock, but gets snapmared. Cody tags back in, misses wildly on a punch attempt, and gets kicked for his efforts. Tag to mysterio and stereo running kicks to a seated Rhodes. Rhodes turns things around and brings Sandow back into the match, for a snapmare and near fall. Rhodes back in with a stomp, and tosses Rey into the turnbuckle twice. Rey with a drop toe hold, a tag to Sin Cara, and a dropkick to send Cody to the outside. Sin Cara hits the ropes, Mysterio gives him a boost, and Sin Cara hits a beautiful springboard moonsault to the outside on Cody Rhodes.
Sandow goes for three quick pins. Cody in for a delayed verticle front suplex for a near fall. Cody with an arm bar, which Sin Cara rolls through, but Sandow tags in to keep him down. Rhodes back in and goes for an Alabama Slam, but is rolled up. Sin Cara hits his La Mistica variation, and crawls to Rey Mysterio for the tag. Mysterio with a spinning headscissor, and is tossed to the floor, but he rolls through. My feed dies for a moment, and Rhodes is in charge. Sandow tags in and stomps Rey in the ropes, hits a side Russian leg sweep, and the Elbow of Disdain. More quick tags as Rey gets choked in the ropes. Mysterio tries for an inside cradle, and break for the tag, but he’s caught. Rhodes goes to work, and nails a running knee to the face. Double suplex attempt turns into a double DDT on Team Rhodes Scholars, and Sin Cara is in with a double crossbody. Springboard back elbow and an enzeguri for a nearfall. Sin Cara with a lucha armdrag, and a head scissor on Rhodes to set up a 619. Rhodes bails out, tosses Mysterio into the ring steps, and is taken out by a corkscrew plancha from Sin Cara. Sin Cara then hits a big kick from the apron on Sandow, and climbs up for his senton bomb. Rhodes pulls Sandow out of the way, Sin Cara crashes and burns, and one neckbreaker later, this one’s over.
Winners via Neckbreaker With A Latin Name: Team Rhodes Scholars
Mick Foley is pimping WWE 13 to Kaitlyn, when Paul Heyman comes in to berate Foley on the ridiculous prospect of him leading a Survivor Series team against CM Punk. Foley says that partners are lining up to back him up, and Heyman says he’ll need backing up, because Punk is going to victimize Mick, once again proving that he’s the best in the world.
Vince McMahon & the whole roster are on the stage, as John Cena is in the ring to present Susan G. Komen for the Cure the proceeds from their campaign. He unveils a cheque for ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! #RiseAboveCancer
Forget about the whales. Save the boobies.
Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Justin Gabriel
Del Rio wastes no time and lays into Gabriel, then hits a snap suplex. Big kick to the back, but Gabriel turns things around with a monkey flip and a diving clothesline. Gabriel with a hlying head scissor, and a baseball slide, but is cut off getting back into the ring. Del Rio snaps Gabriel’s arm on the bottom rope, and grabs a key lock. Big tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Del Rio, and a kick to the arm. Del Rio hits a Hammerlock Back suplex and is back to the key lock. Gabriel fights up, but is thrown back down. Lord Key Lock the Third, of Mexico makes an appearance, and Gabriel elbows out. He fights back with kicks, and hits a springboard moonsault for a near fall. Gabrial whiffs on a corner splash, gets killed by an enzeguri, and quickly taps out to a Cross Armbreaker.
Winner via Cross Armbreaker: Alberto Del Rio
Paul Heyman is in the ring, to present CM Punk, for the unveiling of the Survivor Series teams. A giant banner of the WWE 13 cover, with CM Punk is dropped from the rafters. Heyman begins naming the team members.
– CM Punk (duh)
– The Miz
– Team Rhodes Scholars
– Alberto Del Rio
Punk says that Survivor Series is going to be a celebration of the 1-year anniversary of his winning the WWE Title, and he can’t think of a better way to celebrate than to put an end to the delusional Mick Foley. He’ll teach Mick Foley about respect, and he’ll teach him how to survive.
Mick Foley walks out, asks if Punk calls what happened with Ryback surviving. He doesn’t call that survival; he calls that weaseling. He has no problem calling Punk WWE Champion, but lately he has a problem calling CM Punk a man. Punk reiterates that he had nothing to do with the referee interfering, before Foley begins with his team.
– Kofi Kingston
– Team Hell No
– Randy Orton
CM Punk says that his plan is to eliminate all of Foley’s team members, so that he can get Mick alone, and teach him a lesson. Foley says that’s a good plan, but he won’t be competing. The final member of his team is Ryback. Everyone starts brawling, and CM Punk leaves his team to die, walking up the ramp, holding the WWE Title high over his head. Ryback never takes his eyes off Punk, even as he decapitates Cody Rhodes with a Meat Hook Clothesline, then Shell Shocks him.
Thanks for reading, everyone. This isn’t a usual gig for me, so I hope it wasn’t too terrible. Dave will be back next week, to bring the quality back to the recap. Speaking of Dave, I hope everyone in the path of Sandy are safe from the storm, and all of you around the world have a great week. I’ll talk to all the wonderful VIPs this Wednesday, on Wrestleview Telemundo. Until then, VIVE LA MARYSE~!