The flagship show of WWE kicks off with a video recap of last night's Royal Rumble PPV.
A furious CM Punk makes his way down to the ring accompanied by Paul Heyman. Punk hastily grabs a microphone and storms into the ring like a 3 year old amidst a temper-tantrum. He claims that this is day 435 of his Title reign, because he beat The Rock last night. He says he's now the People's Champion. Punk calls the fans, as well as The Rock, cheaters.
Punk says last night will forever be known as the 'Phoenix Screwjob', because he was screwed. He is the People's Champion and is here to crash The Rock's party.
Vince McMahon comes out and says he has a videotape that shows CM Punk is involved with The Shield. Heyman tries to talk, but Vince tells him that he may not speak. Later tonight Vince will hold a performance review for Paul Heyman.
We cut to the commentator's booth where we are greeted by the normal tandem as well John Bradshaw Layfield. They hype the night's show.
Special Guest Referee: 'The-man-who-of-all-people-they-decided-would-receive-the-Figure-4-from-Ric-Flair' The Miz
Randy Orton v. Antonio Cesaro
Back from the break the match is already underway. Orton connects with a suplex and attempts a pin. Cesaro kicks out. Orton whips him hard into the turnbuckle. Cover, but Cesaro kicks out. They roll out of the ring and brawl on the outside. Cesaro tries to slam Orton's into the barricade, but is countered and lands back first on the very barricade he had intended for his foe.
Orton sets Cesaro up on the apron to deliver an Uppercut before rolling him back into the ring. Orton then see-saws Cesaro's neck into the bottom rope. Cesaro gets back to his feet and attempts to mount an offense, but Orton sends him flying out of the ring via a back body drop! Orton follows after and hits Cesaro with an arm lariat as the show heads to commercial.
Cesaro is able to knock Orton's head into the steel post as they both stand on the apron. Cesaro apllies a side headlock. Orton gets to his feet and headbutts Cesaro. Cesaro responds with a falling scoop slam. Cesaro then proceeds to dead lift Orton into the air, and toss him to the side in a belly-to-back suplex kind of way. Orton kicks out of the cover.
Randy hits his snap scoop slam on Cesaro and then whips him into the corner. Cesaro blocks a splash, and flies out of the corner with a beautiful European Uppercut. Cover, but Orton kicks out.
Cesaro starts to argue with The Miz about the count. Orton takes advantage with a backbreaker. Cesaro takes the fight to Orton in the corner, but Miz backs him off. Cesaro is furious and begins to yell at The Miz. Orton is ready and hits Cesaro with the RKO. This match is over.
Winner via RKO: Randy Orton
After the match The Miz fakes helping Cesaro up from the mat in order to deliver a Skull Crushing finale.
Ryback is in the RAW Roulette room with Vickie Guerrero. The spin comes up 'Make Me Laugh'. Ryback heads out to the ring.
The Primetime Players are in the ring with Ryback. Matt Striker is orchestrating this 'Make Me Laugh' contest. The Players tell a joke that ends with Young's "no time for that" line. It's Ryback's turn and he has a joke. He asks: What has 4 eyes, 20 fingers and is about to be unconscious? Ryback then proceeds to fulfill his prophecy.
Vickie is in the back and spins the wheel. It says 'Player's Choice'. Wade is in the ring and has a microphone. He announces that he will be ending the career of the man who eliminated him from the Rumble last night.
Wade Barrett v. Bo Dallas
Bo hits a couple of nice arm drags and a dropkick. Wade falls into the corner. Wade gets to his feet and kicks Bo in the gut before sending him into the corner. Wade connects with a headbutt and then kicks Bo in the skull. Wade charges at Bo for his finisher, but Bo counters into a slam! Cover and this match is over.
Winner: Bo Dallas
Cody Rhodes spins the wheel and ends up with a match against John Cena.
Cody Rhodes v. John Cena
They exchange blows at the start until Rhodes rolls out of the ring. He grabs a microphone and says that this match is a waste of his time, and he is leaving. Cena doesn't appreciate that attitude and throws him back into the ring. It's Five Moves of Doom Time as Cena ultimately drops the 5 Knuckle Shuffle and Attitude. This match is over and it's a bad night to be Cody Rhodes.
Winner via Attitude Adjustment: John Cena
After the match, Cena grabs a microphone. He says that from the sound of the audience, some people must not have picked him to win the Rumble. Cena points to the 'mania sign as he says that it is time for him to decide which Championship to go after. The crowd chants "Cena Sucks". Cena puts over Punk and says that the last six times he has faced Punk, Punk was able to win one way or another. Cena then moves on to the man that ultimately won the match. Cena says that The Rock was the man to beat him at Wrestlemania. It was Cena's once in a lifetime match, and he lost. Regardless of which man held the WWE Title, he knew it would be a tough choice either way. He has to choose between the World Heavyweight Championship, or a WWE Championship with a Champion that he has simply been unable to vanquish. He is going to make his decision right now. Cena looks at the sign, before delivering a stern look to the camera and announcing that he will challenge the WWE Champion.
The Shield's music hits and they make their way into the ring. They attack Cena until Sheamus hits the ring. The numbers game is too much until Ryback hits the ring. Everyone brawls to the outside, but The Shield gains control. They re-enter the ring, but Cena springs to his feet. The Shield lifts him into the air for their three-way Powerbomb.
Vickie is in the back and spins the wheel. It comes up as a lingerie pillow fight. The camera pans out to reveal that the participants are Tensai and Brodus Clay. Tensai protests and says that he is a monster. After Tensai walks away, Vickie has Clay spin the other wheel and it comes up as a dance off.
As the camera returns to the commentators, Michael Cole is laughing. JBL makes a joke saying that if it happened, Tensai dressed in lingerie it would look like RuPaul crossed with a Sumo wrestler. Michael Cole starts to laugh his ass off at this point as we head to commercial.
The dance off is about to begin as Lawler is in the ring to host. Tensai is wearing a robe, which he takes off to reveal lingerie. Apparently Clay never informed him off the stipulation change. Clay dances first, aided mightily by his dancers. It's now Tensai's turn, but he doesn't want to comply. Lawler promises that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. The music plays and Tensai performs a couple of sweet dance moves. We cut to a shot of Ron Simmons in the back. He delivers a signature, "damn".
Big Show is already is in the ring for the body slam challenge. Del Rio makes it into the ring, but walks right into an attack from The Big Show. Show grabs duct tape and tapes Del Rio's arm tot eh bottom rope. Show then turns his attention to Ricardo. Show's plan appears to be to beat Ricardo up while forcing Del Rio to watch. Show tosses Ricardo back into the ring and connects with a scoop slam. Show grabs the tape again and wraps it even more between the rope and Alberto's wrist. Show picks up Ricardo and looks to go for a chokeslam. Del Rio pleads for him to let Ricardo go. Show responds by delivering a Knockout to Ricardo. Show then kicks the legs out from under Del Rio and stands over his fallen foe.
Kaitlyn v. Tamina
The Lumberjills are dressed as Vegas show girls. The Divas start the match inside the ring and Kaitlyn is the first one tossed to the outside. Kaitlyn punches back at Aksana before heading back into the ring. She hits Tamina with a headdress. Kaitlyn puts the headdress on Tamina before kicking it off her. At this point all of the Divas rush into the ring. Tamina and Kaitlyn aren't even involved in the action, they just watch as the Lumberjills attack each other. That was really awkward.
Winner: No Contest
The new WWE Champion makes his way down to the ring. After ten and a half years, The Rock is once again the WWE Champion. He says that there is only one word that can capture all of the emotion. That word is "finally". He launches into his return promo. The Rock says that it is the proudest moment of career. He has already thanked his friends and families, but it is time for him to thank the fans.
Rock says that for 434 days Punk came out and said that the fans didn't matter. Rock says that the tyranny is over.
Punk's music hits and he walks out onto the entrance ramp. Punk says that Rock didn't win the Title, it was handed to him. Punk says that the Title is prestigious because Punk made it so by his 435 days. Punk says Rock should give him the Title back since he stole it from him. Punk also wants an apology for The Rock supposedly tarnishing the Title. Rock responds that if CM Punk had balls, he'd come down to the ring and take it from him.
Punk says that he isn't going to do things on The Rock's terms. He's going to stay on the ramp like a punk-ass bitch. Punk says that if nothing can fit into The Rock's schedule, then he wants the Title match at Elimination Chamber. Punk emphasizes that this isn't Rock giving him a rematch; it's the other way around. Rock accepts and announces that he will be delivering an ass kicking at the PPV.
During the break Sandow spun to wheel and received a Table match against Sheamus.
Damien Sandow v. Sheamus
Sheamus tosses Sandow out of the ring and then grabs a table. Sheamus sets it up on the outside. He lifts Sandow up onto his shoulder, but Sandow runs away and into the ring. Sheamus follows so Sandow exits once again. Sheamus pursues but is met with a boot. Sandow pulls a table out from under the ring. Sheamus grabs the table and tosses it at Sandow's head. Sheamus slides a table into the ring as well as Sandow. Damien gets to his feet and connects with a an arm breaker onto the table. Sandow drops a knee onto the same arm and then heads out of the ring to grab another table.
Sandow looks to set it up in the corner, but then tosses it at Sheamus. Sandow grabs Sheamus arm and placed it between the table and it's legs. Sandow jumps down on the bar to apply pressure to Sheamus' arm. Sandow sets a table up in the corner, but Sheamus counters the toss. Sandow is on the apron and Sheamus charges. Sheamus avoids being knocked off the apron by launching himself into the ring like a battering ramp. Sandow regains his composure and drops an elbow on Sheamus. Sandow sets the table up on its side and throws Sheamus down onto it.
Sandow sets up a table and places Sheamus across it. Sandow climbs to the top rope, but Sheamus comes over and stops him. Sheamus has him on the apron and delivers a series of clubbing blows. Sheamus tries to suplex Sandow back into the ring and onto the table, but Sandow counters. Back in the ring, Sheamus lifts Sandow up into position for White Noise. Sheamus charges toward the table in the corner and crashes into it with Sandow for the win.
The Great Khali is in the ring with Hornswoggle. Zack Ryder is also in the ring as well as Jerry Lawler. They are about to engage in karaoke. Khali goes first and he must sing Shawn Michaels' theme. He is completely off. Before Ryder gets his turn, 3MB runs down to the ring. They aren't happy with the proceedings in the ring and try and take out the karaoke singers. Khali, Ryder & Hornswoggle make short work of 3MB.
Chris Jericho is in the ring and welcomes us to RAW is Jericho. He says that he was only gone for six months but it felt like forever. He was the big surprise last night and he fooled the fans.
Ziggler walks down to the ring with AJ and Big E. Langston. Dolph says that he eliminated Jericho from the Rumble last night and doesn't know why Jericho is here tonight. AJ says that when she was GM she made the match that Dolph Ziggler won to send Jericho out of the WWE. Vickie appears on the Titantron and announces that she re-signed Jericho. She spins the wheel and instead of facing each other, Ziggler and Jericho will partner against Team Hell No.
Kane & Daniel Bryan v. Chris Jericho & Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler starts the match off against Kane. He fakes a tag to Jericho and instead shows off as the show heads to commercial.
Bryan is in the ring with Ziggler. Jericho tags himself in and kicks Kane off the apron. Jericho misses a Lionsault and attempts a Walls of Jericho. Bryan flips him off and then hits a dropkick. Kane gets the tag, but Jericho shoves Bryan into Kane. They begin to argue over whose fault it was. Bryan pushes Kane, and then Kane pushes him back. Ziggler tags himself in, so Jericho slaps Kane from the back and then scurries out of the ring so that Kane would think it was Ziggler. Kane hits a devastating clothesline on Ziggler and this match is over.
Winners: Team Hell No
The next inductee is revealed to be: Trish Stratus
Vince McMahon is in the ring and calls out Paul Heyman. He also lets everyone know that Punk has been escorted out of the building. Heyman finally makes his way out to the ring and extends his hand. Vince asks the crowd if he should, and then shakes. Vince asks Heyman to hold the mic as he takes hand sanitizer and disinfects himself of cooties.
Vince asks if Heyman has ever had The Shield or Brad Maddox under contract. Heyman replies with a no. Vince asks if Paul Heyman if he has ever lied. Heyman goes on a diatribe about how he has lied every day of his life, but tonight he is telling the truth. He tells Vince that he'll be whatever he wants him to be so that he can keep his career. Vince asks the camera man for a close up of Heyman's face. He then asks the crowd a series of questions that don't turn out in Heyman's favor. Vince says that he has footage he would like to show, after which Heyman will be able to respond.
In the clip, Heyman is in a darkly lit area. He tells the camera man to turn off the camera. Heyman talks about having Maddox do certain things in exchange for money. The problem is that Maddox always comes back for more. Heyman also cops to paying The Shield. Heyman tells Brad to take his beating like a man. The onslaught commences.
Back in the ring, Heyman looks like he was just bowled over by a monsoon. The crowd chants "You Got Busted". Vince says that this is a personal performance review. Heyman claims that it wasn't him in the video clip. He screams at the crowd to be quiet because his career is on the line. Heyman tells Vince that he knows what it is like to be set up. Heyman claims that it was an impersonator in the clip. Heyman swears that it wasn't him. The crowd is chanting for his head. Heyman tells Vince not to do this. Vince says he is going to have to wish Paul the best in his future endeavors. Vince is about to fire Heyman until --
Brock Lesnar makes his way down to the ring and makes sure Heyman is okay. Lesnar walks over to Vince and stares him down. Vince tells Lesnar not to do something that he will regret later on. Brock lifts McMahon up onto his shoulders and delivers an F5.
So here's the deal.
The thoughts section is easily my favorite part of recapping RAW each week. Unfortunately, it's been a couple years since I was just a kid in college doing this for fun so my time is far more limited. In order to appease everyone's desires a compromise has been reached. Starting this week, my thoughts will be delivered to the WrestleView homepage each and every Tuesday. Look for it tomorrow, and thanks for reading!
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The Teacher's Lounge (Sunday)
"The Teacher's Lounge" is a weekly podcast archived every Saturday on the Wrestleview Radio Network featuring hosts David Stephens and "Mr. V" Anthony Valvo. The show reviews all of the news from the week, tosses out Gold Stars and Detentions, PPV previews and special guests. Past Interviews include: Colt Cabana, Hernandez, Sara Del Rey, CZW Owner DJ Hyde, Shane Douglas & more! For more details visit vip.wrestleview.com.