Impact Wrestling Review
December 10, 2016
By Gerald Bocook of Wrestleview.com
Eight Things I Learned From Impact Wrestling
Lesson 1: Three Seconds Really Isn’t That Much Time – Just Ask Aron Rex
It was nice to see the new Impact Grand Champion open the show. Aron Rex got his heat back by complaining and making excuses and being a big whiner, saying three seconds isn’t really enough time to determine the winner of a match (which was just a fantastic line,) and invoking his rematch. And boy, his cheating and conniving almost worked, but he got bent out of shape big-time by that Game Breaker.
Lesson 2: Hobos Have Full Access to the Impact Zone
And Drew Galloway is back! I see his winter scraggly hoodie look is a big hit.
But, wasn’t this taped while he was just starting to recover from his injury? Knowing that kinda hurt my personal enjoyment of this segment, but that’s not TNA’s fault. I knew Galloway and Moose weren’t going to “burn this bitch down,” and it was funny watching Drew and Moose try not to crack up at that part. Galloway’s promo after the match in the back was intriguing. Guess we’ll have to see if that leads anywhere.
Lesson 3: Eddie Edwards Knows English Good
Eddie Edwards gave us all a nice grammar lesson during one of his promos. He said “It’s here. It is here.” Yes, Mr. Edwards, that’s how contractions work. Now can I get a hall pass? I hafta tinkle.
Yes I know that’s nit-picking, but, it was just such a weird thing to hear come out of someone’s mouth.
Lesson 4: Bullies Really Are Just Insecure
Why… was Mandrews wrestling Aiden O’Shea? Mandrews just turned heel. So they put him in with an in-ring debut of a bully character that probably outweighs him by an order of magnitude, who was much more effecting at wrestling heel. Mostly because Mandrews wrestled almost as a face. Mandrews won, he had the crowd behind him, but the crowd didn’t want to be behind him since he attacked the crowd favorite DJZ. That… It just makes no sense. Establish Aiden O’Shea against people that are also established in their roles, and let Mandrews get some heel heat. As it stands right now, Aiden O’Shea is an unestablished, ineffectual bully and Mandrews is… a hero that hates his best friend because his best friend is better than him?
On second thought, was this just Aiden O’Shea getting punked because of the fallout between Corgan and TNA? Send Corgan’s boy out to get beat by the lowest guy in the totem pole that isn’t Mahabali Shera or a Bro-Mans?
Lesson 5: The First Rule of the Double Strap Match is, We’ll Never Again Talk About the Double Strap Match
Before I continue my full-on complain here, I just want to break it up and say, I really liked seeing grown men beat each other with leather straps. It was great, it made me cringe, and I’m glad I’m neither of the men involved with this match, cuz, screw that.
I’m just… I really don’t even want to get started on the double strap match. Great idea, stupid win condition. It felt dumb and looked dumb, and came off as a cop-out. Is there any reason this match couldn’t have ended with a pinfall or submission victory? These “corner tag” things always tick me off unless you have some stupidly elaborate way to track it, otherwise you’re hoping that the audience is only paying as much attention as you want them to. Especially if you do the dumb rule they had here, where– you know what? Not even going to go into this any more. If the goal of a match where you can legally beat your opponent with a leather strap, is to beat your opponent up so bad that they can’t get up, um… isn’t that what a pinfall is for? Also, what’s the deal with the referee making Snow and Shera attach the straps before they could beat up The Tribunal with them? The match hadn’t even started. Get outta here with that crap. SO STUPID. ARRUGH!
Lesson 6: The Crowd Likes Chanting “TND” More Than “TNA” at Impact Wrestling Tapings
I am really looking forward to Total Non-Stop Deletion. That’s going to be utter chaos, and that makes me a happy boy.
Lesson 7: Allie is the Impact Wrestling Equivalent of Super Smash Bros. Little Mac or I Was Confused When I Realized That I Might Not Be Dead on the Inside
We finally got to see Allie wrestle, and it was a long-time coming! It was a fun match, and Allie looks a hell of a lot better in the ring than Laurel van Ness. Wonder how long it’ll be before we see Allie carrying Maria to a half-decent match!
I gotta say, I love the Allie character in this capacity. It’ll get real old real quick from a full-time competitor, but it works really well the way she’s been presented so far. And the absolutely over-the-top nervous/anxious way she retreated after she gave Braxton that quick kiss was really… endearing. OH, LORD, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!? I’M INVESTED IN SOMETHING INVOLVING BRAXTON SUTTER!
Lesson 8: If Two Competitors Win Something at the Same Time, It’s No Longer a Draw, You Just Throw the Whole Thing Out
After a good main event for the World
Heavyweight Championship, showing off an increasingly confident Eddie Edwards, we got one of those lame double-finishes. And that’s okay, but, okay. That finish isn’t a no contest; it’s a draw. Both men won. The Championship defaults to the Champion. That’s just another nit-picky terminology thing, but if you’re going to do that, do it right. Surely someone down there in Orlando must’ve known better.
In addition, I think after this match, it’s gotta be time to stop with the “World Championship” thing, just because the belt is in the hands of an “X-Division guy”. At this point, Eddie Edwards has defeated the entire upper echelon in TNA; stop cutting him off at the ankles.
Semantics aside, the main event was really good. Better than I was expecting, but that’s because I’m having an increasingly poor opinion of Ethan Carter III. He delivered tonight, though, and Eddie Edwards had an answer for everything. Carter got to look like a powerhouse – which isn’t always the case – and Eddie got to look like confident and strong and smart, which is great presentation for your WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION.
The iffy finish, yeah, that sucks. Nobody likes that, they don’t send the crowd home happy, and it doesn’t really make either guy look good. Luckily, the rest of the match showcased them both looking really solid. Kinda like Mass Effect 3, it was 99% goodness but the last 1% just really left ya wanting.
The best analogy I could come up with for this week’s Impact is one of those weird Oreo types that you only see on the shelves once, like the Watermelon-flavored cream Oreos. You get solid cookie at the start and the end, but in the middle, you’re like, “when did I bite into burnt ash and the tears of Children that just found out about Santa Claus?” There was enough to like about this episode of Impact that I can’t say it was bad. But boy, do I wish I could’ve spent the time I was watching and writing up the Mandrews/O’Shea and Double Strap Matches and, I dunno, made chili or something. Skip those two matches if you have this episode on your DVR.