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4 Years of THIS?!
Inter Species Wrestling 4th Year Anniversary.
We are living in the strangest, most unprecedented week in Quebec Wrestling history. We started the week with a beginning that no one saw coming and we will end the week with an ending that no one ever expected to see.
On one hand, tomorrow during the International Wrestling Syndicate show Hardcore Heat, the Green Phantom and PCP Crazy F’N Manny will face each other in a Burning Tables Match, and the loser of the match will be FIRED in every sense of the world.
So at ISW, we are about to experience an ending as one of the Hardcore originals will be banished from the promotion. Meanwhile over at Inter Species Wrestling, Sunday saw a new and completely unexpected beginning during the ISW 4th Year Anniversary as Giant Tiger became the ISW Champion, beating Player Uno in an impromptu match to end the show.
4 Years of THIS?!
Results Quick and Dirty
Most Valuable Zombie Match: Zombiefied beat Michael Von Payton in 6:48.
Quebec Co-Ed Match: Steve beat Addy Star in 4:52 by Submission to Sodomy.
Three Way Dance Alco-Brawl: Sexxxy Eddy beat Viking in 6:26 by Submission to Sodomy.
Fans Bring the Lego Weapons Death Match: Stinky the Homeless Guy beat Flip in 9:43 after two Stink-Bombs into a massive pile of Lego.
Inter Species Wrestling Other Title Match: Moohammad the Terrorist Cow defended his title, beating James Stone in 9:02 after a belt shot.
Impromptu Match: Maximus Primal beat Moostafa in 20 seconds.
Zombie vs. Panda?!: Izzy Deadyet beat El Hijo del Bamboo in 6:53.
Number One Contender Match: Kevin Steen beat Twiggy with a Package Piledriver after 15:04 to become the Number One Contender to the ISW Title.
Inter Species Wrestling Title Match: Player Uno defended his title, beating El Generico in 14:42
Giant Tiger Match: Giant Tiger beat Player Uno to become the Inter Species Wrestling Champion..
4 Years of THIS?!
Here is how the Inter Species Wrestling 4th Year Anniversary show started for me: I was helping the ISW big-breasted merchandise girl at the gimmick table when the ISW music went off and I realized that I was in completely the wrong place to start the show. I White-Rabbited around the crowd heading for the stage, until I ran up the stairs leading to the stage and banged my head off the metal ceiling of the staircase.
My head was still ringing when Giant Tiger hit the ring to call out Mike Rotch for his match. When Rotchy refused to come out, Giant Tiger threatened Rotchy promising to ruin Inter Species Wrestling. After he left, I introduced our ring announcer and left to find some aspirin.
4 Years of THIS?! began with a match between the world’s fastest zombie, Zombiefied and Michael Von Payton. M.V.P. started the match pretending to be Zombiefied’s friend, shaking his hand, slapping him and then trying the same trick thirty seconds later. Unfortunately for M.V.P. while Zombiefied may have lost some brain function, he is not a complete idiot and Zombified does have a long memory. While M.V.P. was able to use a series of back-breakers to slow Zombiefied down, it wasn’t enough to stop him from going up top to flip his way to victory.
I have been waiting in dread for the sexual harassment paperwork from Addy Star after this match. Steve may be even more sexually aggressive than Sexxxy Eddy. A desperate Addy was forced to deliver more low blows than a Ric Flair “Dirtiest Player of the Game” high-light reel. Disturbingly, after losing the match to Sodomy, Addy did an about-turn and started chasing after Steve.
Before their planned three-way dance started, Viking and Sexxxy Eddy sat in the crowd drinking beer while Beef Wellington got on the mike and denounced ISW management for allowing wrestlers to get drunk before and during a match. Beef said that he had only agreed to do the match because he was paid in advance, but Beef refused to work in such unsafe conditions and quit not just the match but the whole promotion.
One quick historical point: ISW’s origins lie in Beef’s famous match against A Bear during the IWS Fifth Anniversary show V in June 2004. ISW would not exist without Beef Wellington.
Without Beef Wellington, the three-way dance became an Alco-Brawl between Viking and Sexxxy Eddy. They killed themselves through the crowd with Viking having the edge outside teh ring, but Eddy regaining control every time they got back into the ring. In a move that could basically be described as a raised middle finger to ISW on behalf of his fellow member of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Sexxxy Eddy secured his victory against Viking by stealing Steve’s Sodomy submission which we had seen just moments before. A furious Viking retaliated by hitting Eddy with a cock-slam after Eddy’s submission victory was announced.
Stinky and Flip damn near killed each other in the World’s first ever Fans Bring the Lego Death Weapons Match. It was by no means an easy victory for Stinky: he had to overcome Flip’s allies bovine overlords, Moostafa and Moohammad. Having done that, Stinky had to recover from a series of Lego-assisted curb stomps. The tide turned when Stinky pulled out a cardboard D-Lo Brown vest covered in Lego and Stinky sealed the deal with two massive Stink Power-Bombs into a huge pile of Lego.
After the match, Stinky tried to shake Flip’s hand and his former best friend appeared to want to take Stinky up on the offer, but Moohammad yanked Flip away with his leash.
After the intermission, James Stone tried to win the ISW Other match in a sequel to his match against Moohammad the Terrorist Cow from our Vans/Warped show. In their first match, James went up top and paid the price when Moohammad pushed from off the top head-first into the crowd (and the guard-rails between the crowd and the ring.) In a reprise, James dominated the match but lost when he went up top, only for Moostafa to unexpectedly save his brother by tossing Moohammad the ISW Other belt which James hit head-first.
Moostafa sometimes seems to be living in his own world. He was in a surprisingly good mood on Sunday despite not making this year’s roster of Dancing With the Stars having been rejectred for being neither a star nor human. During his brother’s match, Moostafa was having his own match with an imaginary opponent leading to an imaginary victory for the ISW Other belt. Flushed with that victory and with having done the right thing for once and saving his brother’s belt, Moostafa issued an open challenge… answered by Maximus Primal who destroyed the Dancing Cow in twenty seconds. Maximus Primal then announced that he was gunning for the ISW Other Title which he would win for himself and the fans.
Izzy Deadyet ran his winning streak up to five victories defeating El Hijo del Bamboo by Shining Wizard with That Zombie Move. In a nauseating twist, Izzy kept regaining the advantage in teh match by ripping his own ear off and stuffing it down either the ref’s throat or the Puroresu Panda’s throat. Fortunately, Izzy contented himself with merely beating Bamboo Jr. rather than also devouring the Panda’s brains as Izzy did with Dan Paysan and Pinkie Sanchez during his current reign of terror.
Has Twiggy ever had a bad match in ISW? M.V.P. may have the initials, but Twiggy is Inter-Species Wrestling’s Most Valuable Wrestler. Here is why I love Twiggy as a wrestler: There is no way in hell that Twiggy should ever be able to beat Kevin Steen, but Twiggy had the crowd convinced, had himself convinced and almost had Kevin Steen convinced that Twiggy’s victory was inevitable.
In one of the many great moments of the match, Steen (who had previously stolen and worn Twiggy’s bandanna) tried to put on Twiggy’s leather jacket, got trapped with it halfway on. After Steen finally got loose, he gave the jacket an elbow drop and kicked it into the crowd. The closest Twiggy came to pinning Steen came after Twiggy ambushed Steen while he was kicking the leather jacket out of the ring.
The key word is almost. When Steen realized that he was in danger of losing the match, he found that extra gear that makes him one of Canada’s best and finished Twiggy off. With the victory secure, Kevin Steen praised Twiggy just long enough for Twiggy to drop his guard, at which point Kevin – like a total dick – stomped Twiggy down.
It seems hard to believe that Player Uno and El Generico have never faced one another in a singles match. Both men are very similar in style and in their appeal to the fans with Generico being faster and Uno having a bit more power. With both men being fan favourites, the crowd simply cheered the good wrestling and there was a lot to celebrate. Uno had the tiniest sliver of an advantage that he exploited to win the match, giving the 8-Bit luchadore successful title defences against Kevin Steen, Twiggy, Hallowicked, Viking, El Generico and M.V.P.
But Uno had no time to celebrate his hard-won victory. Giant Tiger came out of nowhere to whack Uno with his walking stick and waving his open contract at the referee, demanded that a title match start right away. While Uno was woozy from the cane shot, he refused to allow himself to be pinned quickly and easily. Uno rallied to attack Giant Tiger, but before he could pin the Gingerbread Man, Sexxxy Eddy hit the ring and clobbered Uno with the title belt. One no-hands pedigree later and the unthinkable had happened: Giant Tiger had gone from joke to evil genius and ISW champion and the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen have taken control of Inter Species Wrestling.
Eddy and GY attacked Uno after the bell. Stunned by what happened, I foolishly got into the ring, only to be attacked in-turn by Giant Tiger, suffering a mild concussion when either Tiger or Eddy sat on my head still ringing from the whack that I gave myself earlier in the show.
In a not-an-apology phone call this week, Giant Tiger explained to me that he had attacked me, partly because I got in-between him and Uno, and partly because he was worried that I “was about to Jack Tunney the belt away!” Truthfully, I would like nothing better. Sadly, Giant Tiger had a legal contract to wrestle anyone he wanted at any time, for the stakes of his choice and under the rules of his choice. Making matters worse, Uno had a long-standing policy that he would accept any challenge. Under those circumstances, I have no choice but to recognize Giant Tiger as the legal Inter Species Wrestling Champion.
God help us all.
Hardcore Heat Card to date:
For a full breakdown per match, check out My Blog!
IWS Title Match: The Challenger El Generico vs. IWS Champion Beef Wellington
IWS Tag Team Title Match: The Challengers EXesS and Heavy Maxx Fury vs. IWS Champions The Untouchables Dan Paysan and James Stone
IWS Canadian Title Match: The Challenger Sexxxy Eddy vs. IWS Canadian Champion Shayne Hawke
Six Man Scramble Fatal Four-Way Match Urban Miles vs. Mike “Speedball” Bailey vs. Twiggy vs. Jagged
Burning Tables Match Loser Gets FIRED: PCP Crazy F’N Manny vs. The Green Phantom
Canada’s Greatest Athlete! Nic Paterson brings Canada’s Greatest Athlete to the IWS.
Fred vs. The World WonderFred vs. “A World-Class Opponent”
IWS DVD & Ticket Special
I now have copies of the IWS Tenth Anniversary show X in my office. They are $20, or you can get the DVD and a VIP ticket to Hardcore Heat for $30. You can pay by paypal: Llakor@hotmail.com or contact me at that e-mail address for more details.
International Wrestling Syndicate presents Hardcore Heat on Saturday, August 29th, at the Just For Laughs Museum Studio, 2101 Saint-Laurent, Montreal. Doors open at 8:00PM, Bell rings at 9:00PM. VIP Tickets are $20, Regular Tickets are $15.00. 18+ Card and Times subject to change.