Impact Results – 1/29/09

Orlando, Florida (iMPACT! Zone @ Universal Studios)
January 29, 2009
Commentators: Chet Lemon (Kevin Nash), Black Snow (Booker T.), Mike Tenay, & Don West
Report by: Josh Boutwell of

It’s time to cross the line as tomorrow night is my Birthday so tonight is the pre-Birthday Impact!

We get an nWo like ?brought to you by?? message to start Impact off by the Main Event Mafia. They say tonight they will fight the good fight and take out the Front Line. We cut to the officers were Kurt Angle is in a suit wearing classes. Jim Cornette runs up and says that Kurt can?t take the show over, but Kurt says nobody is going to stop him because Jeff is home ?licking his wounds? and Mick Foley is nowhere to be found. Cornette says that he’s been authorized to warn Kurt to stop what he’s doing. Kurt says that last week he promised the Main Event Mafia would take over Impact and that’s what they?re going to do and then tells his security to escort Jim out, but Cornette says it’s Kurt’s funeral and sits down on the couch and tells Kurt to know himself out. Kurt is doing his best Vince McMahon impersonation at the ?gorilla position? and cuts to the opening.

Booker T. & Kevin Nash have taken over the announce table and I am having flash backs to 1996 right now. Booker says he’s ?Black Snow? and Kevin Nash is ?Chet Lemon.? Wow. Booker and Kevin tell the ?pyro man? to ?blow his load? and then pyro goes off. I know I should be complaining about how nWo-like this is, but damn it if Book and Nash aren?t entertaining. Chet & Black hype up tonight’s card put together by MEM which will consist of a Handicap Match between the Kongtorouge and ODB, Petey Williams will have to wrestle Matt Morgan with one hand tied behind his back, and Booker T. will face TNA referees Rudy Charles and Andrew Thomas, and in the ?Main Evnet? Sting will face Team 3D who Book refers to as the ?Fat Boys? (little early 90’s rap reference for you). Black Snow sends it to the back where Sharmell has taken over Laruen’s backstage interviewer spot. Sharmell is with ODB. Sharmell cracks a joke about how many truckers ODB will pick up tonight, but ODB cuts back with how if Sharmell’s ?fine looking security guard? (yeah, it was a fat guy) wasn?t there protecting her ?tight little butt? she?d be on her like flies on a turd. Oh, that’s just classy. ODB gets serious (for a second) and starts talking about having to face King Kong, Godzilla, Taliban, and Queen D?..Queen Deeez Nuts. ODB says she’s jacked, drunk, horny, and ready to kick some ass. Sharmell says that security just dragged Roxxi and Taylor Wilde out of the building so ODB doesn?t have any backup tonight, but ODB says she doesn?t need any.

Scott Steiner is in the ring and he has taken over David Penzer’s ring announcer duties. Oh boy, this should be interesting. Scott says the next match will be a Non-Title Knockouts Handicap Match and what that means is ?4 b*tches on one.? That got a laugh out of Chet and Black. Am I really referring to Booker T. and Kevin Nash as Black Snow and Chet Lemon? Wow. Scott completely butchers everybody’s names and finally gives up and says it’s just ?3 b*tches and Awesome Kong? and then calls them the Konfusious.

Handicap Knockouts Match
The Kongtourage (Awesome Kong, Raisha Saeed, Sojournor Bolt, and Rhaka Khan) vs. ODB

Wow, Booker says that he thinks Sojornour Bolt has some relation to Thunderbolt Patterson (really, really old school wrestler). I got to admit, they have me cracking up. Scott is definitely testing TNA’s censors tonight. Kevin Nash says that ODB is really a man. ODB starts the match off of with a waist lock into a suplex and then starts hammering her. Bolt sends her into the corner and hits some shoulder blocks. Bolt goes for a backdrop but ODB stops and rolls her up with an inside cradle for a 2 count. ODB with a clothesline and then pushes her out to the outside. Rhaka Khan in and she eats some chops from ODB as Kevin Nash calls Rhaka a Giraffe. ODB ducks a clothesline and then hits a chop and throws Rhaka into the corner, but Rhaka grabs ODB and throws her into the corner herself. Rhaka goes for a Mafia Kick in the corner but ODB moves and Rhaka straddles the top rope. ODB spanks her and then pushes her off the top to the floor. Raisha in now and she starts hammering ODB as Booker talks about how Raisha’s glitter on her tights is known to blind her opponents. Raisha whips ODB into the corner and hits a back elbow. ODB ducks another one and then hits a clothesline. ODB clotheslines Raisha over the top to the floor and that just leaves Kong vs. ODB. ODB with chops on Kong and Kong swings but misses and ODB pushes her into the corner. ODB mounts Kong in the corner and starts laying in punches until the rest of the Kongtourage comes in. ODB then turns around and hits a Flying Cross Body off the middle rope onto Raisha, Khan, & Bolt! ODB with clotheslines to Bolt, Khan, and Saeed, but then Kong hits her from behind. The Kongtourage then puts the boots to ODB. ODB picks ODB up and hits her with the Implant Buster for the pinfall.

Winners: Raisha Saeed, Awesome Kong, Rhaka Khan, and Sojournor Bolt via pinfall (Implant Buster)

After the match Kong stands over ODB holding the Knockouts Title in her face.

In the back Kurt Angle is going crazy about how great the show is going as Cornette interrupts him again. Jeremy Borash tries to reason with Kurt but Kurt says ‘screw you? and that the point of this whole thing is to hurt people. JB says that Mick Foley is on his way and he has backup but Kurt just laughs about that. Kurt says he wants Mick to come. Kurt questions whether JB was just trying to get close to Kurt to get close to Karen before and tells JB to go sale MEM t-shirts in the crowd.


Back from commercials Sharmell is with referee’s Rudy Charles and Andrew Thomas. She asks them what they?re going to do after tonight when Booker cripples them. Rudy says that he is an accomplished amateur wrestler and he says that he’s going to come out fighting, but Andrew asks him if he’s high. Damn, Andrew Thomas has a big head. That is what you would call a Water Head.

Handicap Match
Booker T. vs. TNA Referee’s Andrew Thomas & Rudy Charles

Steiner says this is a Meat Grinder Match. Andrew Thomas tries to bailout Rudy Charles but he stops him and convinces him to come to the ring. Booker still does commentary in the 3rd person until he finally takes the headset off and goes to the ring. Kevin Nash marks out how Booker T. just showed up for the first time. Scott Steiner is going to do play-by-play for this match, oh lord. JB is still selling MEM t-shirts but Steiner still calls him a ?b*tch.? Rudy offers his hand in a handshake but Booker doesn?t do it. Rudy actually charges Booker but gets killed with a clothesline. Booker then starts slapping Rudy and then hits a Hook Kick. Rudy is dead. Booker picks Rudy up and takes him out with the Axe Kick. Booker drags Rudy to the corner and makes him tag Andre Thomas who Steiner refers to as Candy Ass #2. Thomas puts his hands up but gets kicked in the gut. Booker then levels Thomas with a clothesline and starts threatening Earl Hebner as Kevin says the infamous ?Earl screwed Bret? line. Booker picks Thomas up and sets him up in the corner and starts killing him with nasty chops. Booker then lays him out with a Harlem Sidekick. Booker picks Rudy back up and then hits the Book End for the pin.

Winner: Booker T. via pinfall (Book End)

After the match Booker starts bullying Earl Hebner before Shane Sewell comes out and starts beating down Booker, but Booker stops him with a knee and then the Axe Kick.

In the back Kurt Angle is talking to Kevin Nash over the headset and talks about trying to get a hot girl in the crowd show her boobs. Sting approaches Kurt Angle doesn?t sound happy about having to face 3D tonight. Sting asks Kurt what he wants at Against All Odds, Sting as a friend or Sting as a foe and then walks off. Sting was rocking a weird purple trench coat too.


In the back Sharmell is with Matt Morgan and how tonight is Matt Morgan’s biggest match and says that Petey Williams is straight from the Keebler Elf Factory. Morgan puts himself over about how awesome he is. Morgan says he doesn?t care if Petey has one or two arms, he has no sympathy, just ask Abyss. Morgan reveals that he and Abyss are facing each other at AAO.

?Maple Leaf Muscle? Petey Williams vs. ?The Blueprint? Matt Morgan

Booker keeps saying how Matt Morgan is a big guy and Scott actually begs Barack O?Bama to stop building ?that wall to keep the Mexicans out and build one to keep those a**holes from Canada out instead.? Booker talks about how Petey still looks like Scott and Petey will be forced to wrestle with one hand tied behind his back tonight. Morgan taunts Petey by getting on his knees but he eats a dropkick from Petey for his troubles. Morgan charges Petey but he ducks and starts laying in right hands on Morgan. Morgan pushes Petey back and goes for a Big Boot but Petey ducks and Morgan straddles the top rope. Petey starts kicking Morgan’s legs but Morgan pushes him back. Petey does the cat and mouse thing by running in and out of the ring from Morgan. Petey then stomps Morgan as he gets in the ring but Morgan grabs him by the throat. Petey fights back with leg kicks and chops and comes off the ropes, but eats a big clothesline from Morgan. Booker says that Main Event Mafia may need someone like Petey Williams, to wash dishes and stuff while Nash says that Morgan is still a big guy. Morgan puts Petey in the corner and lays those nasty back elbows into Petey. Morgan then hits a Running Splash in the corner followed by a Sidewalk Slam for a nearfall as Morgan pulled his head up at 2. Morgan continues the beatdown on Petey and hits a big Fall Away Slam. Scott Steiner tells Morgan to pull his head up again and continue the punishment. Morgan is listening to Steiner as Slick Johnson actually unties Petey! Petey goes Eddie Guerrero and fakes like his arm is still tied and when Morgan goes to pick him up Petey attacks with nasty body shots and rights. Petey with a running forearm and then another one, and then Petey slingshots over the top rope to the apron and lays in a shoulder to Morgan. Petey then hits the slingshot Facebreaker. Petey climbs to the top and hits a Missile Dropkick and Steiner gets up on the apron yelling at Petey. Petey hits a dropkick to Steiner sending him to the floor and then follows him out and puts the boots to Scotty! Petey gets back in the ring but eats a Carbon Footprint as he gets in for the pin.

Winner: Matt Morgan via pinfall (Carbon Footprint)

After the match Morgan continues the beatdown with the Hellevator and they show a replay of it. Steiner then puts Petey in the Steiner Recliner. Eric Young, Jay Lethal, and Consequences Creed run out and make the save! Creed & Lethal double dropkick Morgan while Young goes after Steiner! Booker bails out from the announce table to help out Scotty. Booker actually brought a microphone with him and continues play-by-play as he beats down Eric Young. Steiner hits a belly-to-belly on Creed and then hits the Harlem Sidekick on Creed.


Back from commercials Chet Lemon and Black Snow are recapping what has transpired so far tonight when 3D’s music hits and they come out sporting their IWGP Tag Title belts. 3D stares down Book & Nash but they repeatedly say they?re not Kevin Nash and Booker T. to them. Ray grabs a microphone and he says he feels bad for Sting. He says they don?t want to face him in a Handicap Match. Ray asks Sting why he continues to lie to the fans and himself by being with Main Event Mafia. Nash says that Ray is just trying to start trouble. Ray says that at AAO either he or Devon will be the World Champion.


Handicap Match
?The Icon? Sting vs. Team 3D

Steiner introduces 3D as hailing from Dunkin Donuts in the great state of obesity. Booker buries ECW on the microphone calling it an Independent show and the ECW Tag Titles not being a real World Title. Devon starts the match off with a hammerlock and then a side headlock into a headlock takeover. Devon continues to crank on Sting with a wristlock and then Devon tags in Ray. Bubba gets in Stings face and then pushes him. They lockup and Bubba gets a headlock on Sting, but Sting pushes him into the ropes and Ray comes back with a shoulder block. Sting with a running back elbow to Bubba’s ‘snout? as Booker says. Ray comes back with a Scoop Slam on Sting and then hits an Elbow for a nearfall. Ray throws Sting into the corner and then tags in Devon. Devon with a right hand but Sting fights back with right hands. Devon comes back with a Flying Reverse Back Elbow as Sting came off the ropes, but then Sting bails out to the floor to catch a breather. Steiner comes up to Sting to give him some advice but Bubba runs over and attacks Scott and then throws him Sting back into the ring. Devon is distracted by Brother Ray brawling with Steiner and Sting is able to hit Devon from behind as we go to commercials.


Back from commercial Sting is going nuts on 3D with eye pokes and right hands. Sting hits a Snap Suplex on Devon for a nearfall. Sting whips Devon into the ropes and they double clothesline each other. Both men are down now and Devon is able to get up and tag in Bubba. Bubba with big right hands and then a clothesline followed by another one and then a Sidewalk Slam for a nearfall. Sting comes back with a right hand then comes off the ropes and Ray hits him with a Rock Bottom! Ray covers but Steiner distracts the referee as Kurt Angle runs down. Angle pulls Devon off the apron and then low blows Ray. Sting runs over and hits a DDT for a two count. Devon runs back in but eats a Stinger Splash from Sting. Sting mounts Devon in the corner and hits the right hands on him until Ray comes from behind and puts Sting up on his shoulders. Devon climbs to the top and hits the Doomsday Device. Ray covers Sting but Kurt Angle runs in and breaks it up to cause the DQ.

Winners: Team 3D via DQ

After the match Steiner joins the beatdown with Sting and Angle and eventually Booker joins them with a table, but before they can use Mick Foley’s music hits and outcomes LAX, Abyss, and Mick! They clean house on the MEM!


Back from commercials Mick says that as amusing as the Main Event Mafia experiment may have been, it’s over now. Mick says that a few weeks ago Hernandez was screwed out of his Feast or Fired Title Shot so in the future Hernandez will get another Title Shot! Mick then says that tonight Scott Steiner will face Abyss in a Weapons Match, but only Abyss can use weapons! Mick says that since Kurt wants to go around booking handicap matches then later tonight Kurt Angle will face L.A.X. in a Handicap Match! Kevin Nash says this is disgusting as Foley tells them to have a great day.

In the back Mike Tenay, Don West, Lauren, and David Penzer are complaining to Jim Cornette and he says that tonight is back to normal, and he has a special announcement to make for AAO next.


Back from commercials Mike Tenay & Don West are back at the announce table and they hype up AAO. Beer Money will defend the Tag Titles against Lethal Consequences, Kong defends the Knockouts Title against ODB, Matt Morgan faces Abyss, Scott Steiner faces Petey Williams, and in the Main Event Sting defends the TNA Title against Ray, Devon, & Angle in a Fatal Four Way. Cornette says that he is adding Booker T. vs. Shane Sewell to AAO.

Weapons Match
?Big Poppa Pump? Scott Steiner vs. ?The Monster? Abyss

This is a Weapons Match but only Abyss is allowed to use weapons tonight. A bunch of TNA staff come down to the ring with trash cans filled with weapons for the Monster to use. Abyss throws weapons into the ring but everytime he does Steiner throws them out. Steiner gets the jump on Abyss and puts the boots to him as he comes in the ring. Steiner continues the beatdown with right hands and knees. Steiner whips Abyss into the ropes but Abyss reverses it and goes for a backdrop, but Steiner stops and kicks Abyss in the gut. Steiner comes off the ropes but eats 2 clotheslines from Abyss. Abyss with a running Splash on Steiner in the corner. Abyss picks up a chair and sets it up in the corner as Steiner goes to the floor and grabs some weapons, but Abyss kicks him and then hits a right hand. Abyss slams Steiner’s hand into the ring bell and then throws him into the Spanish Announce Table. Abyss goes for a running splash on Steiner into a wall, but Steiner moves and Abyss goes crashing through the wall.


Back from commercial Steiner hits the Elbow on Abyss and then taunts him with pushups. Steiner climbs to the outside and grabs a chair but Slick Johnson stops him from using it, and that allows Abyss to punch it into Steiner’s face! Abyss grabs a trash can and nails Steiner with it for a nearfall. Abyss attempts to whip Steiner into the corner but he reverses it and Abyss attempts to nip up and over Steiner in the corner, but Steiner stopped in his tracks and then kicks Abyss in the nuts. Steiner then throws Abyss headfirst into the chair that Abyss set up earlier. Steiner goes to the outside and grabs the ringbell but Slick Johnson again stops him from using it and then Abyss Chokeslams Steiner onto the trashcan for another nearfall. Abyss is now busted open and I?m not sure how. That literally looks like Steiner wasn?t busted open and then after he was Chokeslam he was cut on the forehead. Abyss picks up the ring bell but Steiner grabbed his steel pipe and nailed the ring bell into Abyss’s head with the pipe. The referee calls for the bell but Steiner has it so he can?t ring it.

Winner: Abyss via DQ (Steiner used a weapon)

Steiner goes nuts and starts throwing weapons at the referee and then nails Abyss with chair shots. Steiner then starts choking Abyss with it when the lights go out and Suicide is back. Suicide swings down to the ring and starts kicking at Steiner. Christopher Dan?I mean Suicide hits double running knee on Steiner followed by an Elbow to the head. Suicide then hits the Stunner into the turnbuckle. Suicide celebrates with Abyss after the beatdown but the lights go out again and when they come on Suicide is gone.

We get another Brutus Magnus vignette and it says that he debuts next week! Then they show a highlight package of TNA’s very successful UK Tour last week. That is something they definitely need to put on DVD.

In the back Lauren is with some rednecks who are going to be on the ?Toughest Cowboy? series on Spike TV (debuting next). Well, if TNA wants to get away from that ?redneck wrasslin? image this is not the way to do it. Beer Money comes up and says that James is a real cowboy not them. Storm says that if they think they?re real cowboys for riding a bull 8 seconds then he must be the world’s greatest Cowboy because he rode their mommas and they?re twice as big as that bull. Classic stuff from TNA’s resident drunk.

Main Event
Handicap Match
L.A.X. vs. ?Olympic Hero? Kurt Angle

Homicide starts the match off with Angle as the fans chant ?LAX? and Kurt doesn?t look happy. They lock up and Kurt gets the advantage with a waistlock but Homicide reverses it and then slams Kurt to the mat with a waistlock suplex. Homicide transitions into a headlock but Angle reveres it into an arm lock. Homicide is able to reverse that with a droptoehold and then floats over into another headlock. Homicide with a wristlock but Angle pushes Homicide into the corner and hits the right hands on Homicide. Angle with a European Uppercut and sends Homicide into the ropes, but Homicide hits a beautiful head scissors takeover on Angle. Homicide whips Angle into the ropes and hits a Corkscrew Back Elbow and then tags in Hernandez. Then whip Angle into the corner and then Hernandez hits a Running Clothesline while Homicide hits a shoulder block at the same time on Angle in the corner. Homicide whips Angle into a big Shoulder Block followed by a Basement Dropkick by Homicide. Hernandez covers Angle and gets a nearfall. Angle comes back with a kick to the gut and then a European Uppercut. Angle comes off the ropes but Hernandez sends him across the ring with a nasty shoulder block. Hernandez then clotheslines Angle over the top to the floor hard. Super Mex then flies and hits the Super Mex Plancha over the top onto Angle on the floor!


Back from commercials Angle has Homicide in a headlock but he fights out with elbows and then Angle nails him with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. They show a replay of what happened during the commercials, Angle poked Homicide in the eyes and then threw him to the outside. Angle hits Homicide with a nasty belly-to-belly overhead suplex. Angle goes for the Angle Slam but Homicide blocks it and goes for the Gringo Cutta, but Angle shoves him to the mat and locks in the Ankle Lock! Homicide rolls over and kicks Angle off but then Angle goes for the Angle Slam again, but Homicide reveres it into a big DDT! Homicide tags in Hernandez but Angle had Hebner’s attention so he didn?t see the tag. Angle then attacks Homicide in the corner. Angle puts the boots to Homicide and then chokes him with his boot. Angle with a Snapmare and locks in a sleeper, but Homicide fights to his feet and hits elbows. Angle goes for a kick but Homicide catches his foot and hits the Dragonscrew Legwhip. Homicide then attempts to put Angle in the Half Boston Crab, but Angle kicks him off. Angle goes for a clothesline but Homicide catches his arm and goes or the Gringo Cutta, but Angle pushes him off and goes for the German Suplex. Homicide blocks that and goes for one of his own but Angle rolls through and locks in the Ankle Lock! Homicide tries to fight out of it and tries to get to the ropes but Angle drags him back to the center of the ring. Homicide rolls through and his momentum sends Angle right into a slingshot Shoulder Block from Hernandez! Hernandez with clotheslines and then whips him into the corner and hits a Big Splash! Hernandez then throws Angle across the ring with a Biel! Hernandez sends Angle into the ropes and Angle goes for a Cross Body but Hernandez catches him in midair and hits the Sitout Powerbomb! Hernandez sets him up for the Border Toss but Angle blocks it and then Hernandez charges at Angle, but he moves and Hernandez goes shoulder first into the ring post. Homicide then quickly rolls Angle up but only gets a two count. Homicide with a big left hand and attempts to whip Angle into the ropes but Angle reverses it and goes for a Running Clothesline, but Homicide blocks it and hits the Gringo Cutta! Homicide goes for the Gringo Killa but Homicide couldn?t hold him because of the damage done to his ankle and Angle hits the Angle Slam for the pin.

Winner: Kurt Angle via pinfall (Angle Slam)

After the match they show a video of Samoa Joe. Joe has his back to the camera and says that is about to introduced the Main Event Mafia to the real Samoa Joe and then turns around and looks into the camera with Samoan tribal face paint on his face and just stares at the camera as we go off the air.

Final Thoughts

I know that a lot of people (mainly on the internet) are going to complain like crazy about tonight’s show (mainly smarks) but honestly, I thought tonight was extremely entertaining. Booker, Nash, and Steiner had me dying laughing all night long. Anytime you give Scott Steiner a microphone it’s going to be an adventure and when JB approached him and Nash at the announce table and Steiner told him to tell his ‘story walking, b*tch? I about lost it. Nash and Booker were gold on commentary and though they did take away from the match because you were concentrating mostly on what they were saying it didn?t really matter because nothing spectacular happened in the ring. But that’s okay because it wasn?t decided to be that way. Petey came out looking very strong in his match with Morgan because it took him having one arm tied behind his back and Scott Steiner interfering for Morgan to beat him. They have a chance to really put Little Petey Pump over this weekend. Booker was entertaining as hell all night even in his squash match against the referees (he let them have it with stiff shots though) and when he actually started doing commentary in the ring while beating down Eric Young, just damn. They seeds have definitely been planted for the breakup between Sting and the MEM that continued tonight though Angle did interfere on behalf of Sting. Abyss and Steiner put on an entertaining match against each other as did LAX and Angle. Yes, Angle beat two guys but he still had to resort to heel tactics and cheating to do it. LAX still came out looking strong in that match while not hurting Angle in the process. I still hate the idea of one guy beating two. God knows I have complained about how often WWE does those matches. Suicide is back, joy. Let’s see where they go with him. Surely they have to have some type of plan for him and not just saving random people every week. Then again TNA has done much dumber things in the past. Next week we see the debut of Brutus Magnus, let’s hope this guy is worth the hype. The final little thing they showed at the end with Samoa Joe definitely has my interest peaked. I really want to see where they go with Joe in the future and hopefully it’s just ass whooping, badass we all love. Tonight was very fun and very entertaining but obviously you wouldn?t want every week to be like that and I?m sure it won?t.

Match of the Night: Kurt Angle vs. LAX (**)

Segment of the Night: Anything between Booker T. & Kevin Nash

Final Grade: A

Scheduled For Next Week:

– Brutus Magnus vs. Shark Boy

– Shane Sewell vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir

– Beautiful People vs. Taylor Wilde & Roxxi

– Motor City Machine Guns vs. Lethal Consequences

– Main Event: Kurt Angle & Sting vs. Team 3D

– Plus Keiji Muto (Great Muta) makes a special appearance to talk about Kiyoshi

Against All Odds Lineup So Far:

– TNA World Title Fatal Four Way: Sting (c) vs. Kurt Angle vs. Brother Ray vs. Brother Devon

– TNA World Tag Titles: Beer Money (c) vs. Lethal Consequences

– TNA Knockouts Title: Awesome Kong (c) vs. ODB

– Booker T. vs. Shane Sewell

– Abyss vs. Matt Morgan

– Scott Steiner vs. Petey Williams