WWE Elimination Chamber 2010: The Hangover
I have something to admit to everyone? I?m in a funk for some odd reason. My brow begins to furrow, my upper lip starts to curl, and my legs alternate in jitteriness with my right leg bouncing up and down transferring the inertia for the domestic earthquake to my left leg.
This aura of annoyance and anger seems to always appear at this time every year when there are a handful of weeks before Wrestlemania. Everyone, their siblings, other members of their immediate family, family pets, and even deceased loved ones from years past come out of the woodwork like termites postulating what will be happening at WWE’s biggest pay-per-event of all.
Why do they do this? To give their own take? Sure. To verify their predictions and hypotheses with their own ilk? Probably. However, the predominant logic in my eyes seems to be their annual attempts at appearing like they are the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-smelling gods of professional wrestling.
Look! It’s Jimmy! He’s crept out of his hermit-like existence to grace us with his presence and tell us what we obviously saw last Sunday on ?Elimination Chamber?! Everyone shut your noise tubes! We must hear everything Jimmy has to say, because he must definitely know more than all of us miserable people who BOUGHT the pay-per-view and saw the same @#$%ing show he did!
I hate condescension and patronization. While I know most people don?t mean to come across that way and only want to voice an opinion (especially in chat rooms), might I make a suggestion so you don?t come across that way. Try saying ?Hello? before you start waxing philosophically on the obvious?
The last thing I like doing is gathering my thoughts and massive vocabulary into a verbal fist and start furiously slugging the unsuspecting internet public. I?m not a violent person? physically?
Alright? now that I got that nice little piece of stress and tension off my shoulders, it’s time to dive into the questions I just know you are dying to answer? the questions left festering inside the gigantic, chain-linked, steel-constructed tit known as the Elimination Chamber.
What do Vince, his son-in-law, and everyone else within the company see in Drew McIntyre? (Previously asked following ?Tables, Ladders, and Chairs? PPV ? 12/09)
?There must be something that ?The Board? sees behind the curtain that we are not seeing as fans or pundits. Could it be his work ethic behind the scenes? Could it be his drive and devotion by listening to all involved and learning from those who want him to? There just has to be something about him that we are not seeing but everyone else involved is.
?This is definitely no reason for me or anyone else to begin to enjoy his performances? until we see something that can be spotted, regardless of how analytical or critical we need to be to see it, we will have no choice but to continue to endure McIntyre’s performances.?
After the mind-numbingly drawn out entrance video and his lethargic walk down the aisle? it finally dawned on me; an epiphany of clarity. Throughout his Intercontinental Title defense against Kane, I became entertained by Drew McIntyre! It happened! I saw the reason.
What have been everyone’s complaints about Drew McIntyre? He has no charisma. He doesn?t show any difference in emotions, whether it be him doling out the punishment or being the victim of it. He has no methodology in the ring. He has a look on his face like he just a woman naked for the first time and doesn?t know what to do next.
You really aren?t into him, huh? You can?t stand watching his matches or anything involving McIntyre for that matter, can you?
Ask yourself this even more powerful question: What is Drew McIntyre’s angle?
Simple answer: He is Vince McMahon’s ?chosen one?.
Powerful question #2: Why did Vince choose McIntyre?
Even simpler answer that no one has ever concocted: ? Because he can and did!
McIntyre’s entire angle within WWE is that Vince McMahon chose him as the next great performer. It doesn?t matter why. It doesn?t matter how. He just is!
If Vince never made that proclamation and Drew McIntyre had attained his title and all of his pay-per-view appearances without such, how much more hateful and spiteful would you be?
You really can?t stand watching him, can you? You have become victim to quite possibly the most cleverly disguised angle of all time. My vision is clear now and I have become a believer in McIntyre. I invite your chastising remarks with open arms.
What will ?the rest? of Wrestlemania 26’s card be?
Edge vs. Chris Jericho? [World Heavyweight Title]
John Cena vs. Batista? [WWE Title]
Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
Sheamus vs. Triple H
Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase Jr. [Potential Triple Threat involving Cody Rhodes]
Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk [Potential stipulation match]
Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon
This has been the pay-per-view card that was shoved into my face from the unsocial masses last night. Predictions of the most denigrating nature based on the most obvious of scenarios thanks to the past 3 months of WWE programming and the leaking of the WM26 card roughly one month ago.
Seven matches are listed. Wrestlemania cards are typically eight or even nine matches deep. So what will the remaining one or two matches be?
Will we see Drew McIntyre, in his entire chosen splendor, defend his Intercontinental Title?
Will we see The Miz defend his United States Title for the third time in a row against MVP? Alongside Big Show, will he defend the Unified Tag Team Titles? Or will he do both?
What will be the obligatory women’s match: the twice-postponed Diva’s Title match between Gail Kim and Maryse, or Mickie James defending her Women’s Title against any or all three of the following (Beth Phoenix, Michelle McCool, or Layla)?
Will there be a ?Money in the Bank? ladder match showcasing six to eight of the younger talent of the WWE or will that be relegated to the newly-dubbed ?Money in the Bank? pay-per-view later in the year?
Speaking of matches and performers missing from the Wrestlemania card? here is an even more significant question that needs to be answered?
Which WWE performer will hurt the most from not appearing at Wrestlemania 26?
Think about it. It seems apparent that the ?Money in the Bank? match will be a no show. Over half of the card seems perceptible with all of them being singles matches, leaving no room for names to be added.
Of all the choices for additional matches that I listed previously, there are two handfuls of talent that will be left out of this year’s Wrestlemania. So which of those will be hurt the most professionally from not appearing?
Evan Bourne could be one. It seems almost every other week we are dazzled by his ?one move?? but if you don?t showcase that ?one move? on the grandest stage of them all, it is not exactly that dazzling is it?
Also, this is Wrestlemania. This is the most viewed of all of WWE’s pay-per-views. This is their greatest opportunity to capture the imaginations of the professional wrestling virgins watching this program with their friends and family who aren?t such. A ?Wrestlemania moment?, as it is labeled. Can you look on the obvious card right now and see where that moment will show up?
Christian could definitely be another. After carrying the ECW Title for so long, helping elevate the talent around him, and being one of the most successful babyface talents on the WWE roster? what is there for him on the card?
What about the guy who took the now-defunct ECW Title away from him? Where does Ezekiel Jackson try to fit his massive frame in on this marquee-named and over-booked Wrestlemania card?
I?m sure we?ll see the obligatory, multi-talent, comedy segment where everyone is crammed into an obnoxious 5 minutes of one-liners and catch phrases. Cue Santino, stage left.
I have swept the foyer. A new carpet has been laid. The entrance is certainly inviting. I highly encourage all of you to send me your answers to these or any other questions you think have arisen from ?Elimination Chamber? leading to Wrestlemania 26.
*Shameless Plug Alert*
Keep staring at the Wrestleview Homepage. The debut of ?Reality from Ringside Radio? or ?3R? is looming on the horizon. The premiere is tentatively scheduled from the week before Wrestlemania 26. More information regarding how YOU could be a part of it coming in the weeks to follow.
Until next time, mouth-breathers!
Annoy me with your assumptions and affronts… adore me with your adulations and acknowledgements: email@example.com.