Reality From Ringside #6
Match 16, 2009
By: Doug Lackey of

Diva XL

Before going into this week’s dosage of reality, I figured I would give some replies to some e-mails I got regarding last week’s proclamation of truth involving Wrestlemania 22’s supremacy over all others. Wow? now that’s what I call a run-on sentence.

From Mike Klubnik:

Hey Doug,

I agree that Wrestlemania 22 is a vastly underrated Wrestlemania, but just a couple of notes about your column. Chris Benoit did not retain the US title against JBL, he lost that night as JBL used the ropes to secure the victory. As for the main event, the crowd chants were far more vulgar than you had indicated. They were actually chanting, “. you Cena”. I’d also dare to argue that the crowd was more than half on Triple H’s side. At least that’s my perspective f rom sitting in the crowd that night.

Either way, good column. I pretty much agree with everything you said regarding that show.

Hey Mike,
You’re absolutely right… JBL did win the title, thank you for the correction.
Also, you’re VERY right on the chants from the crowd giving Cena the F bomb… I just did not choose to print that in my column. I prefer talking more about ‘intelligent’ crowds… I always love a good ‘boo/yay’ reaction from the crowds during trading of punches than just a big ?f? you?.

From Thomas Grimes:

Sorry Doug,
I?d have to disagree with you. While I really enjoyed Edge/Foley and Trish/Mickie?
We also have a Pillow Fight, the BoogeyMan, and a lackluster triple threat match plus HHH/Cena I wasn?t crazy about.
I think the top WM was WM17: a truly epic grandiose event?. Good hardcore match to get the crowd pumped, TLC II, Taker/HHH and Rock/Austin II. That’s in itself far outshines anything WM22 had.
I also put WM 19 as the second best WM: HBK/Jericho, Austin/Rock III, Vince/Hogan, Lesnar/Angle.
WM 22 was fun in all, but not the best. And I do agree with your sentiments regarding WM 3.

Hey Thomas,
Thanks for the reply, bud. While I wholeheartedly agree with you on some points about WMXVII (Absolutely to TLC II and Taker/HHH)… it still did not have the feel for a truly ‘great’ ‘Mania. A 6-man squash match and a McMahon street fight that would leave a newcomer to the wrestling fold tremendously confused… but put those two matches and the other great ones aside.
What made WM22 so great were not just the matches, but the atmosphere it was in. You cannot generate the same amount of unbridled enthusiasm in an over-69,000 Reliant Astrodome than you could in an over-17,000?AllState Arena. Debates can be made for decades to come about which WM was the best when it comes to the matches or the historical aspect of it… but when it comes to sheer passion and enthusiasm, WM22 trumps them all.

Thanks for all the feedback from my previous columns, guys! I have always tried my damnedest to make this column what I would call a ?pure? column. I shouldn?t need to suck up to you, the reader and avid wrestling enthusiast (mature fan), to invoke a well-written response. While it is awesome that I have this forum to announce my opinions to the rafters, opinions do not become truly valid until they are met with debate.

With that said, it’s time to send a little number out to all the ladies out there.

According to PWInsider, WWE has been contacting many former Women superstars to take part in what is believed to be a 25-female battle royal to determine ?Ms. Wrestlemania? (click here). Honestly, I love this concept. It provides the women with an actual, viable title on the grandest stage of them all and also provides plenty of back-story for future storylines throughout the year.

So, twenty-five women. Well, let’s run through the current WWE roster and take a look at the participants:

Alicia Fox: Wedding planner turned dance partner to DJ Gabriel. Career highlight? Making out with Edge? her profile is as credible as Vickie Guerrero’s? sad.

Beth Phoenix: The most dominant female wrestler in WWE history? there, I said it, I?d say it again if I had to. Plus she is Santino’s? um? er? what is she anyway?

Brie Bella: It’s really sad when you?re known for two things? you are one member of a set of twins competing for nothing but attention? and you are named after cheese.

Candice Michelle: Another injury has sidelined her f rom competition and ripping open her top. She is one of the poster-children for the ?boobie-era? of WWE.

Eve: Who? Oh yeah! She won the Diva Search back in 2007. Again, who?

Gail Kim (projected): Alright, I?m marking out right now. Nothing is hotter than a NATURAL beauty that can also kick my ass.

Jillian: Our resident buzzkill through eardrum-piercing behind Vickie. Would love to see her wrestle while wearing the McDonald’s headset but I?m asking way too much from one person to talk and perform at the same time.

Katie Lea Burchill: Marking again? while dwelling in mediocrity seems to be her future, I would definitely like to see her vie for a women’s title of some form soon.

Kelly Kelly: The new face of the WWE Diva division, unfortunately. She is reducing women’s wrestling to a beauty competition, just like many have done before her.

Layla El: Hanging around with Regal has not really changed her status. She’s still as flexible as particle board and shows just as much charisma as well.

Maria: Wasn?t she once billed as sort of a klutz or a ditz or the consummate girlfriend (d rop-dead gorgeous but dead from the neck up)? What happened to the Maria that I wished my ex-girlfriend was?

Maryse: Picture Trish Stratus but without the boobies and going on a 6-month long hunger-strike. In fact, the only thing the two have in common is that they?re both Canadian, so I don?t know why I even tried to compare them.

Melina: When the make-up crew constructs your hair so that it is jettisoning out wider than your shoulders, then you know you care more about your in-ring appearance than your in-ring efficiency. Stop smiling and start wrestling.

Michelle McCool: Marking for a third time? I can?t help it but love a woman who is almost as tall as me (she’s a nice 5? 11? while I stand a svelte 6? 3?). Her heel switch is intriguing though Maryse is back and confusing me on who is supposedly the ?heel-ier? of the two.

Mickie James: Marking, take four. She is the ?true? face of the Divas. Good on-camera charisma combined with superb in-ring ability? if only all the models, I mean wrestlers, were like her than this division might have some credibility.

Natalya: ?Anvil: Just for Her? is a very-welcome addition to the fold. Accompanying fellow dungeon dweller Tyson Kidd to the ring, I hope to see much more from the duo.

Nikki Bella: Um? the other one?

Rosa Mendes: She hasn?t done anything relevant in the ring, which in turn draws just as much of my attention to her.

Tiffany: What exactly is her purpose? Eye candy, you say. So all she does is smile, huh? The true future of women in WWE as envisioned by Vincent ?I?ll have ham and cheese? no? peanut butter and jelly? no? pastrami on rye? no? what do you mean you?re frustrated?? McMahon.

Alright, eighteen of the twenty-five participants have been listed, analyzed, and ridiculed. So, what do we do about the remaining seven slots? Here are few women that WWE have openly communicated to in regards to the event:

Tammy Lynn Sytch: I think I just marked all over myself. NATURAL beauty? maybe some talent in the ring? who knows how much rust is on her.

Jackie Gayda: 2002 Tough Enough winner and under contract via wedding ring to Charlie ?I?m whatever they want me to be? Haas. Don?t remember her? Good, neither do I.

Wendy Richter: Now this would be truly interesting! The first woman to win a wrestling match at Wrestlemania, for the women’s title no less. Please say yes, Wendy.

Let’s hypothesize and say all three of these lovely ladies say ?yes? and appear in Houston. That still leaves five slots. While I could sit here and read off some obvious names (Beulah McGillicuty, Dawn Marie, Gorgeous George, Molly Holly, Victoria, Trish Stratus, Lita, Ivory, Jazz, Kimona Wanalaya, Missy Hyatt, Nidia, Stacy Keibler, Trinity, Tori, Terri Runnels, etc.), there are plenty of names out there that will never be mentioned but need to be. These women are in a different class; A higher standard of ability and physicality.

These women are big-boned. You read it right? WWE needs a ?big girl?. I dare WWE to find a female wrestler who weighs more than 135 pounds and does not have the job title of ?dancer? or ?model? in their resume. TNA is succeeding where WWE is failing. There is a ?big girl? gap and WWE needs to find a way out of this crevice (insert physical jokes here involving gargantuan figures).

While I do enjoy drooling from the side of my mouth during the entrances of all said beauties of WWE, the ringing of the bell awakens me f rom my hormone-driven stupor. Wait a minute, I?m watching professional wrestling, and thusly I demand feats of physical prowess inside the ring. Scantily-clad women pulling each other’s hair and giving forearm shivers is hardly entertaining. I can ?look? at plenty of women who look just like them online? for free? doing things to each other that are not allowed in public in the county I live in.

Every time I watch the women of WWE, I feel like I should be paying a $20 cover charge and $5 for a coke. WWE needs an Awesome Kong or an ODB; An abnormally large female to come in and just annihilate the entire Diva/Women’s/Exotic Dancer division. Hold the titles for maybe a few months and then lose them in the normal way that an ultra-super-duper-double-secret heavyweight male wrestler does? triple threat or fatal four-way match.

WWE needs this? maybe? well? if they do choose to find a woman who equals the size of three of its own; there is one piece of advice the need to adhere to. Do not place her in any photo-shoots or promotional magazines involving dental-floss-thin swimwear. ?Diva XL? just needs to destroy all of the other Divas, not my mental imagery.