Reality From Ringside #66

Reality From Ringside #66
May 24, 2010
By: Doug Lackey of

WWE Over the Limit 2010: The Hangover

I know that I am one of a dying breed in the Internet Wrestling Community (seriously… I scoff at this term every time it is uttered). I buy pay-per-views.

I don’t fish for free pirated streams. I don’t spend minutes upon minutes frantically searching for an endlessly-buffering feed so that I can watch a pixilated event on my scrawny 17″ laptop monitor.

Yes, $45 is a lot to hand Vince for a pay-per-view (especially this one), but it is definitely worth it to me since I don’t like searching for a feed in a panic over missing something monumental. What would you prefer: a crisp clear image on an obscenely cool 50″ plasma or blocky and stuttering images on a 17″ laptop? The answer is clear.

The only times I have ever really complained about the price I pay for pay-per-views are times like these; where the event is so stale and flat that I can actually feel my hard-earned money being yanked from my pride, waved in front of me and Nelson from “The Simpsons” laughing in victory.

“You didn’t have to pay for the show, Doug!” I hear you yelling back.

Oh, I know I didn’t have to pay for the show. But if I did not watch this event, where would my credibility be as a columnist for a professional wrestling website?

Put yourself in my shoes and imagine that you have a conscience. You are writing a column about a pay-per-view event where your analysis and response-eliciting questions to the readers are read by all. You missed a key moment in the show that everyone is talking about and writing about in review articles.

How would you go about putting your two cents in on this burning topic? Would you have such an ethical void and blatant disregard for your readers that you would BS your column?

This is why I buy every PPV I watch; this is why I spend nearly $1200 a year. I love writing and talking about professional wrestling. I believe my satellite television bill proves that I have every right to say if something was good or bad.

Credibility established within the interwebs… time to ask the toughest of tough questions we are left with from last night’s (inaugural?) Over the Limit pay-per-view.

Why should I be paying attention to The Hart Dynasty?

Is it because they wear pink and black so well?
Is it because they are always smiling for no reason whatsoever?
Is it because Bret Hart occasionally walks out with them to smile alongside?
Is it because the word ‘Hart’ is in their team name?
What exactly does this tandem do in the ring that is just so grand that I should cheer for them?

Look back at all of the tag teams that have ever graced the WWF/E. Narrow the field down to the prototypical ‘big man/small man’ teams. Look at the big man of said teams. Do you recall any of them throwing forearm shots in a match? Think of the hot tags they might have received from a disabled partner, did they start hitting the opposing team but not follow through on each connection?

I’ve seen trees more intimidating than DH Smith. I’ve seen potted plants show more aggression than DH Smith. In fact, I’ve walked through botanical gardens and confused them for The Hart Dungeon.

What about Tyson Kidd? He has moves… anything else? I think he has a voice but it is on par with Evan Bourne, meaning if I closed my eyes while he spoke I might mistake him for the head cheerleader of my high school back in 1997.

Interwebs spot-monkeys seem to fawn over Tyson for some odd reason and I think I found out why last night. He is the closest thing to an X-Division wrestler WWE has to offer: A gymnast with no acting ability, an athletic individual with as much charisma as a blade of grass.

Sensing a theme here? Well it is springtime after all…

Someone please write me back with a response to this question. Believe me, I am a very open-minded person… hell, I’m still watching TNA and regarding that as a legitimate wrestling organization!

How will Batista’s WWE career be remembered?

Wrestlemania 23: Undertaker-Batista for the World Heavyweight Title
A match that truly shocked many. Interwebs spot-monkeys sighing in frustration pre-match knowing that they would be seeing two big men in the ring for a title with no hope in sight of a 960 moonsault huracanrana into an inverted DDT with streamers and bottles of Mountain Dew thrown into the air for all to rejoice in. A really well-paced (amazingly fast) match with plenty of suspense to be drawn into.

Survivor Series 2007: Batista-Undertaker, Hell in a Cell for the World Heavyweight Title
Take WM23, throw in the stereotypical Hell in a Cell requirements (Weapons) and add in the foreshadowed return of Edge. Makes for a good match.

Summerslam 2008: Batista- John Cena
Who cares how Cena actually hurt his neck? Who cares how ‘honorable’ this match was supposed to be? Hard to believe that such a “bromantic” match would evolve into a pretty decent feud over a year down the road. Heels and faces spawned from bromance matches? Weird, huh?

Survivor Series 2009: Batista-Rey Mysterio
Feel the hate as Batista squashes Mysterio like the annoying little gnat he is! If Batista looks at you and proclaims in frustration, “I thought you were my friend!” then you had better have some good running shoes on. Run in the opposite direction or he will thoroughly annihilate you with inhumane conviction and an absence of compassion.

Over the Limit 2010: Batista-John Cena, “I Quit” Match for the WWE Title
Batista tries his damnedest to convince the audience that he is very mad Cena duct-taped his feet around a ring post last month in order to win a ‘Last Man Standing Match’. Batista falls off a balcony onto… something… not sure what but it was supposed to be very perilous. Batista turns on the ignition of a car with hit-and-run intentions on his mind… though Jack Swagger was able to unhook his ‘Money in the Bank’ briefcase with more efficiency last March.

How will you remember Batista?

I know that I haven’t even mentioned the most shocking and confusing moment in the entire show… but something like that and the implications inherent should be discussed on a podcast or radio show of some kind.

Wow… I hope someone who has a knack for researching will do a program involving freak injuries like that and the impact they had on the industry. *Checks off box labeled ‘Shamlessly plug radio show’ on priority list*

Until next time, mouth-breathers!

Annoy me with your assumptions and affronts… adore me with your adulations and acknowledgements:

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