We live in a troubling world. Anywhere you go there is always something bad that happened to someone good. Times are hard. Every now and again we need something to pull us out of a world of logic and take us somewhere absurd. Sometimes truth and facts are not good enough. That is why there is…
News from the Nosebleeds
As many of you AGI (Al Gore Invention) users out there know, Ric Flair has been making the rounds lately and doing several interviews. What an honor it must be to sit down with a living legend and true icon like the Nature Boy. I too wanted in on the action. So I pulled some strings and did a few things I am not particularly proud of, but in the end it paid off. That’s right; I got to do a brief sit-down interview with Flair. It was perhaps the most thrilling day of my life. Without wasting any more time, here are ten questions with the Nature Boy Ric Flair.
Question 1. Who is more of a ladies’ man, Ric Flair or Bill Clinton?
Flair: Oh the Nature Boy hands down! You seen the ladies Clinton was with? I wouldn’t touch those ladies after fifty eight drinks. I’ve had more girls in an afternoon than Slick Willy has had in his life.
Question 2. Out of the all the great matches you have had, what would you say is your best performance?
Flair: I’ve had a lot of great matches with a lot of great men. (At this point, Ric stands up and begins loosening his tie) But my greatest performance will be your mama later on tonight, boy!
Me: Um…that really wasn’t necessary…
Flair: Ask the next question!
I was a little offended by the remark, but let it slide.
Question 3. Do you think TNA will ever seriously compete with WWE?
Flair: We are competing now. Wooo! We’ve been taking them to school every week and showing them what great wrestling is all about. We got the Hulkster, we got the Natcha Boooy! We got AJ, the sweet, sweet Chelsea, and we got Dixie! WWE ain’t got nothing on us. Woooo!
Question 4. That’s true, TNA has buckets of talent, but they really did get killed in the ratings recently on Mondays.
Ric scoffs and begins spinning round, making strange sounds before tearing his jacket off. He then puts his hand on the arms of my chair, his face mere inches from mine. It is safe to say that at this point in the interview I am more than a little uncomfortable.
Flair: Screw the ratings! Next question, fat boy.
Question 5. Um..okay…what is your favorite move you do?
Without a word, Ric takes a slight step back then chops me across the chest. I fall back, as does the chair. I don’t need to lift up my shirt as the chop shredded it open, leaving a raw imprint. I collect myself, stand the chair back up and sit down. Flair is bouncing off the wall, elbow dropping the floor.
Me: I guess that is my answer?
Flair: Ha! You just wasted your sixth question! Move on!
Me: How does that count that count as my sixth question?
Flair: Seven! Wooooo!
Me: Fine! (I know I shouldn’t ask the next question…but I do)
Question 8: Now that you have passed your prime, who do you consider to be the greatest wrestler alive?
Flair glares in my direction but give no response. After some very uncomfortable silence quickly reaches into his underwear and pulls out a pair of brass knuckles, proceeding to knock me silly.
Flair: I am the greatest wrestler alive! You think that any of those sissies in WWE or TNA measure up to me? You think that they could lace my boots? I don’t’ think so! Get up!
I try to pull myself up. I slowly pull myself to my knees with every fiber of my being. I slowly get to my feet, but stumble a step towards Flair.
He puts his hands up and falls his knees, shaking his head, begging me not to hurt him.
Me: What are you doing?
I fall victim to the oldest trick in the book as Flair gives me a low blow. I cry in pain and crumble to the floor in the fetal position. Ric pushes me on to my back and grabs my foot.
Flair: You just wasted your ninth question! Now we go to school. Woooo!
He locks on the figure-four. I am crying, shouting, screaming, tapping out.
Flair: You have one more question. Better make it good!
Me: I can’t! Please stop!
Flair: You can’t stop the Nature Boy. I’ve bled on every continent, I’ve had women from every country and every town I’ve passed through. You know how many guys I made? I’ve won a title for every second you’ve spent behind a computer clicking on headlines with my name. Now you got one more question and you better make it a good one!
Ric insists he will not release the hold until I give him my last question. I know it’s not the right time to ask, but it was something I wanted to know. Crying out in agony, I ask my final question.
Question 10: How many times have you bladed?
Flair: Bladed? Ha!
Keep in mind Ric still has the brass knuckles on his fist. He begins punching himself in the forehead.
Flair: You want a blade job? I’ll give you one!
Blood begins gushing from his forehead as he begins to flick it on me. He grabs me by the shirt collar and give me one last blow to the head. Releasing the hold, he stands up and begins to redress himself. He cleans up his forehead and fixes his hair.
Flair: Well, I got to go to another interview. You take care now.
As Flair leaves me lying half dead, covered in his blood, I manage to mutter out a thank you as he walks out the door.
Well, there you have it. That was my own personal interview with the man they call the Nature Boy. I cannot tell you how that experience changed my view of him. I used to think of Flair as a great performer and an interesting character, but my interview changed all that. Flair is not a good performer. He is not an interesting character, there is nothing good about him. Instead, everything about him is legendary. Everything about him is great. He is the greatest of all-time. Simply put, Ric Flair is the Man. Woooo!