Notes from the Nosebleeds #95
December 11, 2010
By: Matt O’Brien of

Disclaimer: What you are about to read is entirely fiction. Failure to realize this will result in great confusion.

Be it rumor or fact, professional wrestling runs rampant with tales of backstage conflicts. Our heroes of the ring constantly jab one another in shoot interviews and engage in what some call The Twitter Wars. As a devoted fan who only wishes his heroes to peacefully coexist, I began mediator training. My hope was that, with enough training, I could become a valuable asset to the wrestling business by solving conflicts between wrestlers. With competitors no longer holding grudges they could function as a cohesive unit.

That hope went out the window when an emergency mediation came up. With my training incomplete, I was summoned to solve a conflict between two former WWE stars before it got any worse than it did. Hopping a plane, not before getting disturbingly violated by Security, I made my way to WWE headquarters. The office was very gracious. They brought me to a conference room and catered in food. With hors d’oeuvres filling my travel-ridden body, I began going over my notes and preparing for the mediation. I knew the results of this event would determine my future as wrestling’s official mediator, for I was about to solve the conflict between Gregory Helms and Shawn Michaels.

Gregory Helms recently had some disparaging remarks for Shawn Michaels on an episode of Highway 2 Helms. His vulgar tirade on HBK evoked a response from Shawn on Twitter in which he blew off the criticism. Clearly there was something to this story. Shawn has always been a lightning rod for controversy and Helms always seemed like a great guy. I anxiously and nervously awaited the arrival of both men. Helms was very early. We sat in the conference room in silence for some time before Shawn came in. I stood up and introduced myself to him and he was very polite. As we made small talk he would occasionally glance over in the direction Helms with a bewildered look. Helms stared back with hate. I grabbed some coffee off a table in the corner of the room and poured a cup for all three of us. Having fresh, hot coffee poured in front it him did nothing to phase Helms, who only stared at Michaels as HBK sipped his hot beverage.

Mediator: Okay Well let’s get started. First off, thank you so much to the both of you for coming today. I think that just by being here we have already taken a giant leap in the right direction. That does not discount that we have quite an obstacle before us. Why don’t we just get right to it? Does that sound good?

Michaels: Yes I know that there was some twitter controversy this week but I don’t think this is necessary. I don’t see a conflict here.

Helms: Oh there’s a conflict, Shawn. And you are right in the middle. I’m calling you out.

Shawn turns to me and points at Helms.

Michaels: Who is he?

Mediator: That’s Gregory Helms.

Michaels: Who?

Helms: My name is Gregory Helms!

Michaels: And you are here because…?

Mediator: Shawn, Gregory is the one who said those things about you.

Michaels: What things? How do I know him?

Helms: I worked with you for years.

Michaels: Oh I’m sorry. I worked with a lot of people. I don’t recall your name. Gary was it?

Helms: Gregory!

Michaels: Yeah that’s what I meant. So are you a fan or a camera guy?

Helms: No I was a wrestler!

Michaels: Wow, look at you. Any big breaks?

Helms: I was in WCW.

Michaels: Oh, I’m sorry.

Helms: I was in 3 Count.

Michaels: What?

Helms: It was a tag team with Tank Abbott as our manager.

Michaels: Who?

Helms: Before WCW shut down I was the last Cruiserweight Champion.

Sound of crickets.

Michaels: WCW had a cruiserweight title?

Helms: Yes! It was the best part of their show!

Mediator: To be fair, WCW didn’t really have any good parts to their shows.

Michaels: No kidding. What else did you do?

Helms: I was in WWE!

Michaels: As whom?

Helms: The Hurricane!

Mediator: He had a mask.

Michaels: Rey Mysterio?

Mediator: No. He had green hair.

Michaels: Oh! Jeff Hardy!

Helms: No! Jeff Hardy didn’t even have a mask.

Michaels: Yeah but I think he had green hair at one point.

Helms: I held the tag titles with Kane.

Michaels: A lot of people have held those titles with Kane.

Mediator: That’s true. Okay let’s get past this. The reason we are here today is to resolve the conflict between you two.

Michaels: Which is?

Helms: You. You’re an awful person. You hold people down. You ruin people’s careers.

Mediator: Let’s hold it right there. Gregory, you spoke in an interview about this and then tweeted it later on. You said that Shawn had let you down in so many ways. You said that his turn to God is a work.

Michaels: You said that? That’s not cool, man.

Helms: But it’s true! You use guns and you yelled at Chris Jericho.

Michaels: What do guns and Chris Jericho have to do with my faith?

Helms: And you lie. You stab people in the back. You hold people down.

Michaels: Wait! Are you Shane Douglas?

Helms: No I’m Gregory Helms!

Michaels: Who?

Mediator: Okay. Shawn, could you please acknowledge that Greg here is a person with feelings and that at one time you may or may not have worked in the same wrestling organization?

Michaels: Yeah I can do that.

Mediator: Thank you. Can you be more specific about your problems with Shawn?

Helms: No.

Mediator: Why not?

Helms: I want to save that for my shoot DVD.

Mediator: And when is that coming out?

Helms: I don’t know.

Mediator: Well who is interviewing you?

Helms: Nothing has been scheduled yet.

At this point I hung my head and let out a big sigh. It felt like all hope was lost. I went back to my notes and spotted something I hadn’t noticed yet. An epiphany indeed.

Mediator: Gregory, you said that you wanted to be Shawn’s friend?

Helms: I did.

Mediator: And that you thought he was one of your five favorite wrestlers?

Helms: Yeah.

Mediator: Do you think that maybe you are mad at Shawn and calling his religion a work and saying he is a horrible person because you idolized him and just wanted his friendship, but it wasn’t reciprocated?

Michaels: Whoa. That’s messed up.

Helms: No…that’s not…no. He shoots animals!

Shawn’s phone begins ringing. Ignoring both of us, he takes the call.

Michaels: Hello? Hey! How have you been? Good to hear from you, bud. No I’m not busy. Can you hang on a sec? Thanks.

Guys I have to take this call. We done here?

Helms: No, not by a long shot.

Mediator: Yes we are done.

Helms: What the heck? Who are you talking to that is so important?

Michaels: This is my friend Jamie Noble.

Helms: That guy? What has he ever done?

Michaels puts the phone to his chest so Noble won’t hear.

Michaels: Hey, you can stop that right now. Jamie is a great guy, a longtime colleague and friend. Now I am leaving.

Mediator: Thank you for coming in, Shawn. I really think we made some progress. Take care. Tell Jamie I say hi.

Michaels: I’ll do that. You take care

He turns to Helms…

See you later, Gary.

Helms: Gregory!

Matt O’Brien