As a devout fan of professional wrestling and an admirer of your athletic ability, I write this letter to you with the sincerest intentions. The reason for this letter is for a light criticism I must throw your way. Actually, it is quite a bit more than a slight criticism. I have a few things I need to get off my chest. What you are about to read may not be the kindest words you have seen from a fan, but these issues must be addressed. Mr. Morrison, I must call you out.
What the hell is wrong with you? When you first started with the name of Johnny Blaze, I thought WWE had saddled you with a name a backyard wrestler would create. Regardless, you showed promise and moved on to the Nitro name. It was another name I didn’t care for, but the whole name business wasn’t your fault. You showed promise as an up-and- coming star. That was cemented in June of 2007 when you took Chris Benoit’s spot on a pay per view and won the ECW title. That was when you became John Morrison and a huge push for you began. Despite your bad names in the past, you were now making headway up the WWE card, despite playing the character of a dead rock star.
People have come to admire you because of your ability to do twists and flips, despite not having any substance a wrestler. People went nuts for your spider-monkey spot at Royal Rumble where you were tossed out of the ring, landed on the guardrail, then walked across the rail and jumped back into the ring. Not me. It was the most absurd spot I had ever seen in a wrestling match in over two decades of being a wrestling fan. Then you topped it at Elimination Chamber when you took forever to climb to the top of the chamber and kind of fall onto Sheamus. I shook my head while the wrestling community said you stole the show. Stole the show? That could have been the best match on the card had it not been for you screwing around. I can’t believe people thought you should have main evented WrestleMania with Miz. Do you realize how awful that would have been?
WrestleMania came and WWE put you on a team with Trish Stratus and Snooki. It may have not been the main event fans wanted for you, but you were put in the celebrity match of WrestleMania. And what did you do? You got a bad attitude. You refused to work with Trish and blew her off during the post-match celebration. Why? Because Melina or other Divas didn’t get put in the match. Do you realize how stupid that makes you look? Your girlfriend, who had no spot on the card anyway, doesn’t get put on the show so you throw a passive aggressive temper tantrum? Trish Stratus is probably the most respected WWE Diva of the last twenty years and you refuse to work with her? Look at your opponents–LayCool and Vickie are three of the most over-talents on the roster. You were lucky enough to be put in a match with them at the biggest show of the year and you just crapped all over it. The male opponent in the match, Dolph Ziggler, spent months making you look like a star on SmackDown. Once you moved brands and no longer had him to work with, you didn’t have any good matches. Here he was in the biggest match of your career to help you out all over again. On top of everything else, you were in a match with Snooki. She’s not a pro-wrestler; however, her well-being was in your hands. This is how you behave? Nice. Don’t be surprised if you are no longer employed at the end of 2011. By this time next year, you will be lucky if TNA employees you. Don’t be expecting any cameos on Jersey Shore either.
Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. I love you. We all love you. The way your hair blows when you make your entrance knocks our socks off. Your sunglasses are so cool! I don’t care if you can’t grow a beard because the point is you try so hard to do it! Your boots are oh so furry. How do you get those boots so furry? They are amazing. Oh and your abs, your magnificent abs! We now know God had to rest on the seventh day because he spent the first six carving one spectacular ab each day. I don’t care what anybody says about the Rumble. That spider-monkey spot at Royal Rumble blew my mind. As I watched the pay per view at home and saw you do that, I nearly reached across the couch and kissed my cardboard cutout of you. That same cutout sat next to me during Elimination Chamber as you stole the show, and I fed it cheetos. Every now and then I would have to reach over and clean the orange dust off, but I don’t mind. I’ll do anything for you, John. You deserve the main event of every WrestleMania. Even if you leave WWE, you don’t need them and they don’t deserve you. I will be there, with my cardboard cutout, watching you steal the show in TNA with AJ Styles and Matt Hardy. We will be there, John. We will all be there. We love you.
#1 Jo Mo
This is a parody letter. No wrestlers or fans were harmed in the creation of this epistle.
Thanks for reading!