Oh the weather outside is frightful! How the devil are you all? Feeling festive? Or hyperactive with the traditional Christmas rush of last minute present buying and turkey stuffing?
Well put down the wrapping paper and Christmas tree baubles. Forget the Christmas cake mixture for 15 minutes or so, and indulge yourself in the special festive Casa. It’s a beauty.
Every December we wonder what to buy for friends and relatives and the majority of the time we fail to differentiate. DVD’s, books, scarves and board games are bought in their millions and shipped off around the World in time for the 25th. When you know someone well enough, gift buying becomes automatic. A quick stop at the record store for your Brother and Sister for a DVD box set and an album or two. You follow this up with a department store detour as you pick up that scarf for your mum and then the retail adventure is completed with a visit to the wine merchant’s to nab the last bottle of the old man’s favourite tipple.
Yet there’s plenty of people who we know yet don?t bother forking out our hard earned cash for. People who we see numerous times a week. We know all their character quirks, their turn ons and offs and even what types of fashion they favour. They make us laugh, they make us cry and they keep us entertained all year round. Yet we?re never in any rush to pick up something special for them come the time of JC’s birthday jubilations.
I?m of course referring to our favourite sports entertainers. We know them better than anyone. That’s kind of our job as fans to know them and what they?re about. Otherwise how would we know whether to cheer or boo them?
But what would we buy them for the big day at the end of December? I know a lot of us would prefer to wake up with Maria waiting under the tree ready to be unwrapped, but what would we buy her? What would we stuff in her stocking? (easy now!)
Well, being personal friends with the big guy from the North Pole, I told him I?d lend him a hand at his busiest time of the year and sort through all things wrestling related. We negotiated a fee and I settled down with a mince pie and waded through the various letters those crazy sports entertainers have sent to Lapland this year. They make for some pretty interesting reading.
Dear Santa, for Christmas I would like?
The ability to apply common sense to a wrestling match ? Santa, I was once revered as the best mat wrestler in the world. Everyone had this idea that I was great because of the superb matches I had with Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, The Rock, HHH, Steve Austin, The Undertaker, Rey Mysterio, Eddie Guerrero and Shawn Michaels. What they didn?t realise was the main reason these matches were so good was because I was sharing a ring with wrestlers who had a vast quantity of experience in working quality matches. They were able to reign in my inexperienced ways. However, since roughly about 2004-2005, I?ve been given the freedom to call the majority of my matches and well, 90% of the time they?ve been a disaster. I just throw finishers out there without any rhyme or reason. I burst through big spots at an alarming rate and base every single match around my submission finishing move.
My mat work just doesn?t go anywhere and many of my matches just degenerate into counter fests. What’s happening to me? I NEED to be regarded by my peers as the greatest of all time, yet I have nowhere near as much wrestling knowledge or ability as people think I do.
A new set of limbs and muscles ? Hey Saint Nick. I need your help man. I?m one of the greatest wrestler’s in the world. No matter who I work with, if they?re a legend or a dud, the match will deliver. However, every few months I have to take a sabbatical to get my body repaired or patched up. This can really interfere with storylines and feuds and kill a lot of momentum. I?ve got a big match with The Undertaker coming up which could be HUGE. We?ve never properly faced each other before and now we?re gonna be duking it out for the World Title. But what with me being a small guy who gets thrown around a lot, there’s the possibility I?ll lose an arm or a leg soon or y?know, my skeletal structure will simply collapse in on itself.
The PG Rating to be abolished ? Santa, I?m a painfully gorgeous young Gallic woman. Men would do weird, dangerous things just to sniff me. I?m talking really weird. I can crack a walnut with my ass cheeks and I look like I?ve got the Bashams down my bra. However my RIDICULOUS French body is being restricted by the current PG rating my boss has placed upon the television programme I appear on. Many of my hot female co workers have appeared in the world’s most famous nudey magazine, but since I began work here I am yet to do so and the world is BEGGING to see it happen. Because of this PG rating the Playboy affiliation has ceased and the most my fans have to rock off to are some old photo’s of me for said publication’s cyber club, hardly a cover issue with French maid’s outfits, suggestive croissant poses and a centrefold pull out of me wearing nothing but heels and a smile. Please Santa, get me a more adult rating, if only for the first four months of the year!
Hair implants ? Hey big guy. I used to be on your naughty list back in the 90’s, but since about 2002 I?ve really cleaned my act up, yet the other big guy seems to be still punishing me for stuff I?ve done in the past. Most notably, my hairline seems to have receded to somewhere in the proximity near the top of my spine. I can?t bear to face the fact that the boy toy days are over and I?ve never really been ?manly? enough to go for the Hogan look. Yet when I had my hair short in ?02 I looked like a lost little Dutch boy. I?ve therefore come to the conclusion that the only way for me to solve my dilemma is to have hair implants. Hey, they worked for Elton John!
An industrial sized bottle of spray tan ? C?mon Father Christmas, I look like a feckin? ghost! Bring me it or I?ll ram a pipe bomb up ya bollocks!
Just FECKIN Bring it!
P.S. ? And a load of feckin Guinness ye? old beardy twat!
A personality ? Please! We?d do anything for even just one between us!
The Hart Dynasty
See, told you they were interesting, if not particularly shocking. I?m just hoping no one finds my letter and prints it in a column online. No one needs to know about how much gimp equipment I may OR MAY NOT have asked for.
Anyway, another Casa comes to a close and as it is the festive season I?d genuinely like to wish you all a very Merry and safe Christmas. I hope whatever you get up to over the Holiday season, that you all enjoy yourselves as much as possible and eat and drink until even your sweatpants can?t take any more.
Enjoy yourselves and spare a thought for those not as fortunate as yourselves and also for every soldier serving our countries across the world.