So I?m sitting here lacking inspiration for my latest musings from the Casa. ?What to write about this week?? I wonder to myself. So like all great writers, I logged onto the world wide web for inspirtation.
Within minutes I found myself trawling through various discussion forums and message boards, all teeming with wrestling debate. But nothing caught my eye. It all seemed like old news. Just the usual lambasting of current world champs who can?t live up to the lofty standards set by the stars of yesteryear, who in their day, couldn?t hold a candle to those who preceded them, and so on.
Not long into my virtual travels I began to grow frustrated at the lack of new and exciting ideas I could use for my new piece. I mean, out of the millions of websites dedicated to professional wrestling there must be a news story or discussion topic of some sort that could spike my interest. NOTHING!
That was until I realised that it wasn?t the topics that were being discussed that was interesting, they were old hat and rehashes of debates of wrestling yore. No, it was the people that were discussing them that caught my attention.
Now, having been an internet dwelling wrestling fan for over a decade I?ve come across my fair share of marks, smarks and lunatics. The marks are those who fail to separate reality from fiction and are still awaiting that heart breaking ?Santa Claus isn?t real? style awakening which is the realisation that pro wrestling is indeed a staged drama. They at first seem annoying because of their psychotic outbursts when their favourite wrestler loses a match, but in reality are perhaps the most genuine group of wrestling fans as they emotionally invest in the product more than every other fan combined. Their child like adoration of their in ring heroes is admirable and in all honesty something which I miss now I know the meticulous inner workings and politics of the wrestling world. When it comes to pro wrestling, ignorance really is bliss.
However, it isn?t the marks on whom I wish to focus my attention on. It’s the smarks or the ‘smart marks? to give them their proper name. Never before has a title been so ironic. The smart mark is in fact the least smart type of wrestling fan. This is due in no small part to the fact that they actually believe themselves to be above the average wrestling fan. Because they?ve seen wrestling from another country or culture that automatically makes them more well versed in the ways of the wrestling world. They?ve been to an independent show so they ?understand? the grass root workings of ?the biz? and therefore become an aficionado on the subject, who we should all pay great attention to. What bullshit.
The smark is in fact the most detestable of all wrestling fans as they no longer enjoy the simple pleasures that the grap game provides us with. They?d rather shit blood than watch a Hornswaggle skit and Santina Marella winning the Miss. Wrestlemania Title made them want to scratch their eyes out because the hastily put together abortion of a match was won by a man masquerading as a woman in order to win a fictional title with no lineage or prestige.
So what is it exactly that makes a smark? Well I?m glad you asked, because I have prepared the following list of characteristics that in my opinion, form together to create your typical smark.
The Smark List
You know you?re a smark when…
You?re in your 20’s and are still puzzled as to what a girl’s downstairs looks like.
You have a wrestling video blog on youtube.
You remember when wrestling was REAL.
You?re disgusted with any wrestler who doesn?t use at least a dozen different moves in every match.
You still consider John Cena to be a bad wrestler.
You don?t understand why squash matches are awesome.
You get annoyed with bra & panties matches because they?re taking up valuable WRASSLIN?~ time.
HHH has held everyone down.
Stiff wrestling means ?realer? wrestling therefore ?better? wrestling.
You agree with everything Dave Meltzer has ever written ever.
Every Tuesday between June 2006 and February 2010 you muttered the words ?The original ECW was better than this crap?.
You complain about the quality of every WWE PPV but still continue to buy them every month just so you can invent reasons to moan about them and how they?re costing you your hard earned McDonald’s cheques.
You go to a wrestling show and boo the faces and cheer the heels because you?re soooooooooooooooooooooooooo cool.
Everyone else is a mark.
A young wrestler getting pinned cleanly means they?ve been buried.
You could run the WWE better than the guy who became a billionaire through his business decisions.
You have your ?own place???. In the basement in your parent’s house.
Any wrestler with a gimmick is stupid.
In ten years time you?ll be yearning for the days of Orton and Cena, having spent the days of Orton and Cena literally crying about the fact that they ?don?t know enough moves? and aren?t ?Austin and The Rock?.
You?re still not over the Attitude Era ending.
You?ve not enjoyed a single minute of wrestling since the age of 13.
Your only friends are other smarks.
You?re gay for ROH.
You?re gay for any Japanese wrestling ever.
You want wrestling to be ‘stiffer? and don?t realise how gay that sounds.
You want wrestling to be more realistic yet any time you spend away from wrestling is spent playing World of Warcraft.
You?re probably at least a bit Emo.
You have a mark out moment and immediately feel the need to go and wash yourself in disinfectant for being such an idiot.
You read this list and send me an angry email.
So I think it’s safe to assume that I don?t much care for this breed of human beings. I guess you could call me a Smarksist. That’s fine by me. I hope I?ve converted many of you to this way of thinking. It’s quite hilarious.
If you can think of any other ?qualities? of a smark, then please feel free to email me them at email@example.com or if you?re a fancy pants VIP member here on wrestleview.com you can leave a message in response to this article.
Until next time though dear readers, it’s arrivederci from me.