Ciao! I hope you?ve all recovered from last week’s late visit to the Casa. With university work firmly behind me now though, I am typing this column in much higher, less stressed spirits. However, first I must address a complaint I received (yes, a complaint about the Casa, who?d of thunk it?) this past week about one of my remarks in the 13th edition (I told you the number 13 was cursed).
If you remember rightly, I made a comment on Jeff Hardy’s lack of luck around the time of WrestleMania last year, when after failing his second Wellness Policy test, not only was he suspended for 60 days, but his house burnt down with his dog inside it. The comment I made was as follows;
?Jeff Hardy couldn?t catch a break at the beginning of last year either. All set for the Money In The Bank briefcase when he failed a drugs test and lost his Title reign until his one month reign of terror through December. To add insult to injury, his house then burned down with his dog inside. It doesn?t rain but it pours. Ironically had it poured Jeff might still have had some of his house left and his pooch would have been getting pumped for the Westminster Dog Show.?
The complaint I received from a Mr. John Curly read;
That Jeff Hardy comment was in poor taste. It wasn’t really funny and any line that begins “ironically” is kind of a hack line. Really i am just mad that you used someones dead dog as a potshot. Too soon, low blow etc. Retraction?
PS More often than not I enjoy your column. Keep it up!?
Now, can I just first say thanks for usually enjoying the column and also for calling me sir, that was a nice touch. However, can I just defend my comment rather than retract any of what I said? I wasn?t taking a ?potshot? at Jeff Hardy. I was pointing out his bad luck and how it all came along at once, hence the saying ?it never rains but it pours?, and the rest is history. I wasn?t laughing at Jeff Hardy’s situation, but making a light hearted remark at my own choice of words. As for it being too soon etc, come on, we live in a world where the most disgusting atrocities are made into the punch lines of jokes within weeks of occurring. Me making a harmless comment on a situation that has already been written into a wrestling storyline where Jeff’s brother Matt brought out the lead of Jeff’s dead dog to goad him into fighting him is hardly a low blow is it? I could have said much worse.
Anyway, that aside, it’s time to move onto today’s column, which is now a week late what with the last minute schedule change last week. However, it’s a visit to the Casa that is worth waiting for.
On December 14th, 1992, a certain Keiji Mutoh wrestled a match against Hiroshi Hase in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Now, some of you are going to read that sentence and know exactly who I?m talking about and which match I am referring to. Others are going to read it and scratch their head as to why it’s relevant at all. See, Keiji Mutoh goes by another name by which more casual fans will be familiar with. That name is The Great Muta. And on this fateful December night back in the early 90’s, Muta was assaulted with a foreign object by his adversary Hase, and went about the business of ?blading? to sell the assault even more. Nothing out of the ordinary there, you may think. However, whether by accident or through some twisted perversion with bleeding heavily, Muta went deep with the blade and wore a heavy crimson mask for the rest of the match. This battle therefore marked the birth of ?The Muta Scale?. A scale by which all bladejobs in wrestling are ranked. I?m not sure of any specifics, so I?m going with the 1-10 ranking system. A one on the scale would be the equivalent of any time The Rock bladed, whilst a ten would be, well, you?ll have to just keep reading to find out what constitutes a ten.
So here is a list of some of the most notorious bladejobs in wrestling history and how they fare on Mutoh’s oh so prestigious, yet ever so slightly eerie scale. I hope you?ve all got strong stomachs, because this visit to the Casa is about to get Vietnam war movie levels of bloody. Don?t say I didn?t warn you.
1) Steve Austin, WrestleMania 13 ? One of the most striking wrestling images in recent times. A bloody Steve Austin screaming in agony as Bret Hart locks in the sharpshooter causing the rattlesnake to pass out. Austin was never adverse to spilling the claret, but it is this particular bladejob that ranks as his finest bloody hour. However, that said, I?m not sure how sold Muta would be on this job. See, as far as historical context and significance go, this blading has all that shit in abundance, however, the actual amount of blood loss isn?t actually that great in comparison to many of the other jobs on this list, and it’s said blood loss that makes Muta’s dick twitch. Therefore, on the Muta Scale, I?m going to struggle putting this sucka above? 7/10
2) Triple H, Royal Rumble 2000 ? HHH is another guy who can?t get enough of slicing his forehead open, and I doubt he’s ever done it as well as he did do at Madison Square Garden in his WWF Title street fight against Cactus Jack. Foley beat Hunter all over MSG before laying into him with some barbed wire 2×4 shots for good measure. Before you know it, the champ’s checked himself into the Ric Flair school of juicing, as both his face and hair are matted in crimson. Just to go that one step further, Hunter even took a wooden shard to the leg, causing his calf to bleed just as profusely as his forehead. Jim Ross claimed HHH was ?bleeding like a pig?, which always confused me. Do pigs magically bleed more than any other farmyard animal? I?m sure the line ?HHH is bleeding like a fat sheep? would have been just as effective. Either way, for his efforts, The Game earns a near perfect 9/10 on the scale.
3) Vince Mcmahon, Survivor Series 2003 ? This particular bladejob gets on here mainly because of the lightning quickness in which it happens. The bell rings, The Undertaker dishes out a quick jab and all of a sudden Vinnie Mac is bleeding as if he’s just taken a shotgun shell to the dome. I?m not sure what it is about Vince Mcmahon, but he can?t stand being overshadowed in any aspect of wrestling, whether it be business wise or in ring wise, despite the fact he’s not even a professionally trained in ring talent. HHH tears a quadriceps, so Vince tears both at the same time just by walking to the ring. Guys blade in matches, so Vince damn near scalps himself three seconds into a match. What a guy. Had the Muta scale not been around for some 11 years at this point, it could have quite easily been the Mcmahon scale due to this match. Although that would have pissed some smarks off no end. I however think it would have been glorious. The launching of the Mcmahon scale would have come complete with a complimentary instructional DVD of how to perform the perfect bladejob after taking no more than a bitchslap to the face. I want to put this at 10, I really do, but due to the ridiculousness of the job, and the ever so unnecessary nature of it as well, I?m going to stick it at 8.5/10 and hope that I don?t ever have to see another 60 year old man bleed so heavily again.
4) Bill Alfonso, ECW ? Now, I?m not sure of the exact specifics of this match, as to when it took place and why, but I do know that this match was by far and away the most brutal match of any mentioned on this list. And it took place between two non wrestlers. Bill Alfonso was a referee/manager/whistle blowing shithead that faced off against Beulah Mcgillicuddy or however the shit you spell her name. Let’s just leave it at Beulah shall we? Either way, even by ECW standards this bladejob was insane, as it left Fonzie needing a blood transfusion afterwards. That says something, when a woman beats you so bad you need some new blood pumping into your veins afterwards. I for one applaud Bill Alfonso for allowing himself to be beaten in such a manner, although in fairness, if you?ve seen Fonzie, you?ll know that having him beat on Beulah just wouldn?t have been realistic and in all fairness, if him and Beulah were to have a real fight, the results would probably have been just as similar as they were in this match. Blood transfusions at the hands of a woman make Muta happy, so Fonzie gets a 9/10 for his troubles.
5) Any Ric Flair bladejob EVER ? C?mon, Naitch has bled buckets consistently for over 25 years, and has done so in the most hilarious manner possible. By having a head of snow white hair for most of his career, every bladejob Naitch has performed has resulted in said hair turning a shocking shade of pink/bright red. It’s one of pro wrestling’s greatest phenomena, and it earns the greatest of all time a 9/10 on the scale.
6) The Mass Transit Incident ? Ok, so for those of you who don?t know what this refers to, Mass Transit was a guy called Eric Kulas who lied about his age to get himself a gig working an ECW show back in 1996. He was filling in for Axl Rotten to team with D Von Dudley against New Jack and Mustafa. Kulas was 17 at the time and for whatever reason thought the best way to go about starting a career in pro wrestling was to lie his way into a match where one half of the opposition was a former bounty hunter and certified maniac, with apparently four kills on his bounty hunting record. Yeah, good luck with your career kid. Needless to say, things went horribly wrong, and Transit ended up getting the underage shit kicked out of him, until New Jack himself bladed him, for what reason I?m unsure, as usually it is the wrestlers who blade themselves. Again, a former bounty hunter probably isn?t the guy you want to entrust with cutting your head open safely. It should come as no surprise to you to hear that the blading went dead wrong and resulted in Kulas bleeding profusely from the head in horrific circumstances. The incident could have put ECW out of business, and it didn?t help that at the time New Jack grabbed the house mic and exclaimed that he ?don?t care if the fat piece of shit bleeds to death?, which wasn?t exactly tasteful or helpful, but at least one good thing did come of it, and that’s a place near the top of the Muta scale! Near the very top actually, with a score of 9.5/10! It would have been perfect had Kulas not been such a douche in the first place and also had New Jack not stabbed him in the head to get the juice.
7) Eddie Guerrero, Judgement Day 2004 ? When it comes to bladejobs, just leave it to the Mexicans, ok? If there’s been a more perfect bladejob than this in wrestling history I?ve yet to see it. The chairshot from JBL that leads to said blading is also horrifically beautiful as well as he almost smashes the late Guerrero’s head back across the border. Words almost don?t do this match or job justice. Just look up photo’s of it. Our managing editor Hunter Golden regularly gets that fuzzy feeling in his pants over this match, and let me tell you, he’s right to do so. It’s a brutal work of art. Check the wrestling photo’s thread in the forums or the photo’s on the WrestleView Facebook page if you don?t believe me. Guerrero bleeds like 25 of the aforementioned pigs J.R. favours so much in his commentary. When you watch this match I guarantee you?ll let out a The Wire style ‘shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit? when you see the chair shot and resulting bloody aftermath. It’s a perfect 10/10 from me and I?m sure Muta would agree, in all his weird and infinite Japanese wisdom.
So there you have it. The Muta Scale in all it’s gory glory. Hey that rhymed. I hope you managed to stomach it. Next week will be a much more lovely read I promise as I look at the key ingredients in making the perfect diva. Yes, it’s going to be pervtacular, but in the most tasteful way possible. Recommended viewing is, well probably what you perves are already looking at most of the day anyway.
Remember as well that any love or hate can be sent my way at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter at @joebaia.
Until next time Casa uns, it’s arriverderci from me.