Impact Wrestling Results
March 9, 2017
Orlando, FL (Impact Zone)
Commentary: Josh Mathews and Da Pope
Recap by: Gerald Bocook of Wrestleview.com
We open to a new signature open and a start showcasing some of the biggest and most memorable events of the history of Impact Wrestling, from the days in the Asylum to today. Some of the all-time greats, special guests, Knockouts, and TNA Originals are highlighted. Tonight, a new era begins. Tonight is the moment they start to prove themselves all over again. Welcome to Impact Wrestling.
We open with Eddie Edwards and Davey Richards brawling in the audience of the Impact Zone. Richards is yelling “Where were you?!” at Richards as he chokes Edwards against a guard rail. Security tties to break them up, but they’re fought off Richards charges Edwards, but Eddie catches Davey and atomic drops him on the guard rail before chopping him. Richards looks to suplex Eddie from the higher level, but Eddie chops him down and a plancha over the security rail takes out Richards! Eddie throws Richards over the guard rail to the entrance ramp and hops over, raining down blows on the downed Richards before more security comes to break them up! They keep breaking free before one of them is finally dragged up the ramp!
We cut to Mathews and Pope and Mathews starts complaining about a third announcer seat before JB comes to the ring, complete with a video, and Mathews loses his mind, telling Borash to get the hell out of here and that this isn’t going to be like Smackdown where they have forty-seven announcers. Borash says that he’s out there to freshen up the announce booth and maybe have someone out here that the people like. They bicker, and Borash says that nobody likes Mathews. Mathews pouts and looks at his phone with his back turned to JB. Borash talks about Mike Tenay and his twelve years at Impact, but “somebody left the WWE – correction, was fired from WWE,” and a couple idiots put him on the booth. Borash calls Mathews a Ken doll with no balls. Mathews says he sat under the learning tree under Jim Ross. He announced WrestleMania in front of millions. Here, he announces to an audience that shows up for free. Borash says that Ross thinks Mathews is a prick and that Mathews has no respect. The new ownership put Borash out here, and Mathews says he doesn’t talk to “these people”. Cody Rhodes pops up and takes the microphone from Mathews and says that now the show can start. Who wants to see him versus Moose tonight? Rhodes says he’ll fight Moose right now. Borash says that Moose is in Japan right now. Rhodes has the GFW NEX*GEN Championship with him. The lights go out. The DCC has arrived. Storm, Bram, Kingston. They have new masks, stylized skulls. Borash says their opponent will be a team that’s never been around here before. Borash and Mathews argue over who will take them to break.
Gerald’s Thoughts: Good brawl to open things up, but this announcer fighting bullcrap needs to end. Weeks ago. It’s pathetic and distracting and nobody cares. This is going to be a recurring theme this episode, and for the next few, I fear.
The ‘tron reads “Reno Scum” and two dudes that look like big time Rancid fans head to the ring. They have Championships with them.
DCC (Kingston and Bram (w/ James Storm) vs. Reno Scum
The DCC goes right after Reno Scum, but Bram is tossed from the ring and Scum take out Kingston. The smaller guy throws Kingston into the guy with the mohawk’s head. Tag and the guy with the Mohawk is smacking Kingston around. Double team from Reno Scum to Kingston, and they cut to the announcers for some reason. Bram gets tagged in and is attacking the bald guy, punching him in the corner before running to the Scum corner and attacking the guy with the Mohawk. Mohawk knocks Bram away, bald guy with a dropkick sends Bram out. Bram gets to his feet and taunts bald guy allowing Kingston to attack him from behind. Bram back in and heads to the corner, Kingston grabs bald guy in a standing headscissors and Bram is up on the second rope, but Mohawk guy gets in and elbows Kingston, knocks Bram out of the ring, pulls Kingston up and locks him in an Indian death lock, pulls Kingston up and bald guy with a double stomp! He covers Kingston; one, two, three!
Winner by pinfall: Reno Scum (Double Team Double Stomp)
In the ring, Bram and Kingston try to explain what happened to a very mad James Storm. Storm finally relents and embraces the two and they head off with some mild tension that Storm tries to play off.
Gerald’s Thoughts: I’m sure at some point they said the names of the members of Reno Scum, but it would’ve been when Borash and Mathews were yelling back-and-forth like competing tribes of howler monkeys, so hell if I know who they are. Good match, though.
Two weeks ago, there wasn’t a wedding on Impact Wrestling. McKenzie Mitchell is waiting to talk to Maria, but Sienna comes up and says that Maria has had a nervous breakdown because of Allie. McKenzie says “But, I thought it was contract negotiations,” and Sienna puts her fingers in her ears and “la la fake news, fake news, la la.” Sienna and McKenzie argue before Sienna threatens Allie.
In the Impact Zone, Braxton Sutter is heading to the ring with Allie for a fatal four-way match. Mathews says that Mathews is a jerk for not marrying Laurel. Already in the ring are Marche Rockett, DJZ, and some other guy.
Marche Rockett vs. DJZ vs. Caleb Konley vs. Braxton Sutter (w/ Allie)
Marche Rockett threatens everyone and gets in Sutter’s face. Sutter goes on the attack, knocking Rockett around before Konley and DJZ join in. Rockett gets punched out of the ring and Sutter follows him out, and the two brawl outside the ring. DJZ dives and takes out Sutter and Rockett. Rockett back in and he takes out Conley with a spinebuster. DJZ tries to dive at him from the top but Rockett catches him and slams him to the mat. Sutter in, and he gets caught, and powerbombed into the turnbuckle! Conley tries to roll Rockett up, but Rockett kicks out.
Rockett knocks the other men down and heads to the middle rope, leaps off, but all three dropkick him down! They stomp at him before he rolls out of the ring. DJZ grabs Sutter from behind, shoves Sutter into Konley, elbow from Conley. DJZ goes for the leapfrog springboard but Sutter catches him and I’ve completely lost any track of what’s going on! Too fast for not having a DVR! DJZ gets superkicked out of the ring by Rockett, Rockett grabs Sutter and yanks his feet down! Allie gets on the apron, then on the ropes, and she takes Rockett out with a splash! Rockett back inside, Braxton scoops him up with a fisherman’s neckbreaker! Sutter covers; one, two, three!
Winner by pinfall: Braxton Sutter (Pepper Shaker Neck Breaker)
Braxton and Allie kiss in the middle of the ring. Laurel comes out, still looking like a complete wreck, still wearing her wedding dress and not looking like she’s taken a shower or put down the bottle in two weeks, and she screams at Braxton and Allie in the center of the ring.
We travel to Carolina to see Matt Hardy’s spotmonkeys attacking Brother Nero through the fence. Tonight, we’ll see the Broken Hardys vs Smokin’ Joe.
Gerald’s Thoughts: Good, fast match! A bit too fast for me to keep up with, and I know I’m sounding like a broken record here, but the awful commentary bullcrap is distracting to no end. Even my dog looks like he’s had his fill of it!
Sienna is heading to the ring. Rachael Ellering will be debuting as her opponent.
Sienna vs. Rachael Ellering
The two circle. Tie-up in the center and Sienna shoves Rachael away. Tie-up and Sienna shoves her away again. She taunts and Ellering kicks her in the head. Ellering rolls Sienna up for a quick two.
They trade elbows, and Rachael gets the upper hand, knocking Sienna down. Senton from Ellering and quick pin. Ellering tries to pick Sienna up and Sienna blocks. Step-up enzuigiri from Ellering and Sienna gets booted to the outside. Ellering gets on the apron, heading to the top and Sienna pops up and shoves Ellering into the ropes. Sienna charges, big lariat! Sienna covers; one, two, thr– kickout!
Sienna mounts and rains down punches covers; one, two, thre– kickout!
Sienna yells at the referee and keeps on Ellering. Sienna tries for a gutwrench, but Ellering blocks, eventually reversing! Ellering with chops and strikes to Sienna, hard elbows, chops, uppercuts! Ellering with an STO! Ellering springboards off the bottom rope with a spinning legdrop and she covers; one, two, thr– kickout!
Ellering misses a flying elbow and Sienna with the Silencer! Sienna covers; one, two, three!!
Winner by pinfall: Sienna (Silencer)
Sienna celebrates in the ring.
Coming up, we see Brother Nero grappling with the kangaroo again. Tonight.
Gerald’s Thoughts: Can’t really tell what else is going on because Mathews won’t shut the f*ck up. He mentions that Impact is reaching a broader global audience every day, but I think that if they tuned in during this match, hearing Josh Mathews arguing with Jeremy Borash and saying that nobody cares about what’s going on in the ring would turn them off. I know I want to turn it off, or at least mute it. This crap is distracting to the point that I can’t even keep track of what’s happening in the ring because all I get is Josh Mathews’ screaming. It’s painful.
Bruce Prichard in the Impact Zone
Bruce Prichard is coming to the ring, and I actually have to agree with Mathews here; who the hell brought Prichard back? Mathews says that Prichard was here to put Impact in its darkest days, and he’s right. For a change. Prichard comes out and puts over his podcast and his website. Prichard says that Impact Wrestling isn’t the same as he remembers it. It’s not the Impact that he knows. It wasn’t that long ago that he was right there in the back and they were on the cusp of greatness. They had an Impact with a group that wanted to achieve greatness. But for whatever reason, it didn’t happen. He says that TNA is dead. New owners, new management, new name. “Impact Wrestling”. The new owners have looked for people who have achieved greatness in the past, and they called him up. Prichard was there when Hulkamania was running wild. He was there when “Stone Cold” opened up his first can of whoop-ass. He smelled what the Rock was cookin’. He saw John Cena way before anybody else couldn’t. He knows how to make wrestling great. You start at the top; the single greatest athlete in the world, walking Armageddon, your Impact Wrestling World Champion, Bobby Lashley. Lashley comes to the ring, flexin’ and muggin’.
Lashley shakes Prichard’s hand. Priachard introduces Lashley. Lashley thanks Prichard for recognizing his greatness. Lashley says he walked through everybody and they talk about him defending the President. Dunno what’s up with that. Prichard says the single-greatest athlete today should be the Impact Wrestling Champion. There’s nobody else back there that can challenge Lashley. Alberto El Patron makes his entrance! Mathews directly says that El Patron is a former WWE Champion and WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
Prichard introduces Alberto El Patron. Lashley warns El Patron to not make a mistake and El Patron tells him to shut his mouth. El Patron says Lashley hasn’t beaten him. They stare down as EC3 makes his entrance to the Impact Zone. Carter enters the ring and stares down Lashley and El Patron. EC3 says he’s sorry to interrupt. El Patron says that he has to earn his title opportunity. He knows somebody that has, someone that has carried the company, someone that is the top man. That’s him, EC3, bitch. He challenges Lashley. Lashley says he doesn’t know why EC3 is here because Lashley beat him week after week. He then tells El Patron to come get some before calling him a “superstar”. El Patron says, “Let’s dance.” Prichard tries to interject himself and El Patron says to give the people what they want. Prichard says they’ll do it, tonight. EC3 is angry. Lashley walks off, raising the Impact Wrestling World Championship as El Patron celebrates and plays to the crowd.
We cut to the announcers again. They bicker some more. It’s real exciting.
Gerald’s Thoughts: Another half-decent segment ruined by the announcers. I’m willing to give El Patron the benefit of the doubt, but something tells me I’m going to need some caffeine to make it through the main event. Also, Bruce Prichard. Yay. Josh Mathews and I agree on that, at least.
McKenzie Mitchell is in the back with Eddie Edwards. She asks if Eddie expected all of this from Davey Richards. He says he never expected his former best friend to stoop this low. Angelina Love tells Eddie Edwards to shut his mouth. She says that everyone forgot about Davey, but what’s worse is, Eddie forgot about him. She says Eddie isn’t a real man, but she married one; the lone wolf, Davey Richards. She says that Davey has one more message and slaps Eddie. Eddie asks if she married a real man, why does his wife hit harder?
Cody is back out in the Impact Zone. He asks where Moose is. Borash tries to tell him that he’s in Japan, and that Cody knows this. Cody says he’s going to go into the ring and wait on that “big dumbass”. He says he isn’t leaving until Moose shows up. Cody pops a squat in the center of the ring before hopping out and bails after just a few moments. The announcers keep arguing about if Moose is in Japan or not.
We get a #MakeImpactGreat video from Lashley.
Dutch Mantell in the Impact Zone
We head back to the Impact Zone, and it’s… Dutch Mantell. He’s still on his Roundabout and everything. He has a mic and says his name is “Zeb– wait, can’t say that. Legalities, you know.” He used to be Zeb Coulter in an alternate universe. His name is Dutch Mantell. This is the first time he’s ever been on Impact TV. He’s been in-and-around this business for over forty years. He’s been all around the world, and professional wrestling took him there. But he’s here to talk about what brought him here. He says that the ink was barely dry on the new management when they called him up. He says he’d love to help make Impact “great again”. He says he remembers a guy by the name of A.J. Styles. Samoa Joe. Bobby Roode. Sting. Kurt Angle. Kevin Nash. Christian. Booker T. They were all here. But as time went on, they all slowly drifted away. They drifted away because a lack of leadership, a lack of vision, and a lack of respect. And they all left. But the fans left, and that’s what the old ownership didn’t expect. Dutch says that he’s working here, not as an authority or a boss, but to give advice, to bring the fans back. When the fans speak, he has to listen, because they’re his boss. They’re going to give Impact back to the fans. They made Impact, and they’ll make it great again. He wants every real wrestling fan in the sound of his voice, put their hands over their heart, and say “We, the people!” He is Dutch Mantell and he approves this message.
Up next, Alberto El Patron challenges Bobby Lashley for the World Championship.
Gerald’s Thoughts: Well, they sure ground this show to a halt, didn’t they? Two promos that went on too long, and whatever the hell that bit with Cody was, and I’m ready to take a nap.
At Cameron, North Carolina. Matt says he’s brought Brother Nero to battle Smokin’ Joe Frasier. Nero says he’s been looking forward to his rematch. We see a montage of clips of Nero getting womped by the Kangaroo, and then Matt gets his butt kicked, too. Man, this kangaroo is straight beating Brother Nero. The kangaroo flexes for the camera. Matt later says that the Seven Deities have told him it’s time for them to make their next trip on their expedition of gold. They grab Vanguard 1 and teleport. We see the Impact Zone, and Decay is hit by a teleportation shockwave! Abyss, Rosemary, and Crazzy Steve laugh. Abyss says it worked! Rosemary says the Hardys have been deleted! They pick up the World Tag Team Championships, and Crazzy Steve says “thanks for the ride, ya bucket of bolts.”
Jeremy Borash is in the ring and says that it was fifteen years ago that Impact Wrestling started. They’ll be hosting Slammiversary on July 2nd, exclusively on Pay-Per-View. Mathews bitches about Borash making the announcement.
Alberto El Patron is heading to the ring for the main event. Borash makes the introductions (but not before some whining from Mathews.)
Gerald’s Thoughts: So, that’s how they’re going to deal with the Tag Championships? I like it. It’s simple, clean, and smacks of the original Power Rangers leaving for the World Peace Conference.
Impact Wrestling World Championship Match
Lashley (c) vs. Alberto El Patron
Bell rings and the two men circle. Tie-up and Alberto tries to shove Lashley back, but Lashley gets the advantage. Rope break. Alberto kicks Lashley, throws him to the corner and kicks him. Snapmare, dropkick, cover, Lashley kicks out quick.
Lashley gets control, beating Alberto back and punching him in the corner. Irish whip, Alberto hits hard and drops to the mat. Lashley chokes Alberto against the ropes, before stomping him and choking him with his boot. Alberto out of the ring and Lashley follows, clubbing Lashley down. He throws Lashley into the announce table. Alberto pulls Lashley up and rolls him in the ring. Alberto on the top rope, diving punch! Alberto covers; one, two– kickout!
Alberto with a side choke and Lashley gets a rope break. El Patron kicks Lashley in the gut, puts him in the corner, mounts and starts punching away to a “Si!” chant! Lashley shoves Alberto away and lariats him down! Lashley with a neckbreaker and covers; one, two– kickout!
Alberto rolls out of the ring and Lashley loosens up in the ring. Lashley gets impatient and follows, elbowing Alberto before throwing him into the ring stairs. Lashley throws Alberto back into the ring and Lashley chokes Alberto with his boot. Lashley with that jumping butt smash thing before applying a chin lock. Alberto struggles to his feet, punches his way free, hits the ropes, Lashley leapfrogs and lariats El Patron down! Lashley pulls Alberto up, front facelock, and Alberto is up in the delayed vertical suplex! Lashley stalks El Patron, Alberto getting up slowly, Lashley charges– Alberto with a dropkick right to the face of Lashley! Both men are down, and it’s a six-count before either man stirs! Lashley to his feet at eight, and the two men are trading blows! Lashley with a blow gets Alberto in the corner and Lashley swings– it’s caught, and Alberto with an over-the-top arm breaker! He releases, back in the ring, Lashley with a side slam! Lashley covers; one, two, th– kickout!
We see EC3 coming out down the entrance, and stand at the stage. Lashley is battering Alberto in the corner.
We’re back and Alberto breaks free of Lashley. He lariats Lashley down twice, and hits the back cracker! Alberto tries for the cross armbreaker but Lashley reverses with a schoolboy; one, two– kickout!
Lashley lariats Alberto down. Irish whip, Alberto reverses, Lashley explodes out of the corner and Alberto ducks and Lashley lariats down the referee!! Alberto with the armbreaker, but Lashley isn’t tapping! He’s in the middle of the ring and another referee is down, Lashley stacks Alberto up on his shoulders, lifts him up and slams him down! Lashley covers; one, two, th– kickout!
Lashley charges Alberto in the corner, Alberto gets out of the way, catches Lashley up in the ropes and hits the double stomp! Alberto covers; one, two, thr– kickout!
Alberto is looking for the armbreaker again, Lashley gets out, Alberto gets back into position but Lashley with a spinebuster! Lashley staggers a moment before covering; one, two– kickout!
Alberto with a DDT as we look over EC3’s shoulder and Alberto is stalking Lashley. Lashley slow to his feet, Alberto with the stepkick and Lashley pulls the replacement referee in the way! Alberto kicks the referee’s head off! Lashley and Alberto trade reversals, and Lashley slams Alberto down! Lashley heads outside and grabs his Championship. He smiles and slides the belt into the ring. El Patron connects with the kick as Lashley gets back in the ring! El Patron grabs the Championship and blasts Lashley with it! Alberto covers; one, two, three!
Winner and NEW Impact Wrestling World Champion via pinfall: Alberto El Patron
The first referee argues with the replacement about having seen Alberto El Patron blast Lashley with the Championship Belt. A third referee is down and Lashley is getting physical with the referees. Alberto is on the announce table still celebrating as officials are trying to make sense of what’s going on. We see Alberto walk up the entrance ramp as EC3 cheers him sarcastically.
Gerald’s OVERALL Thoughts: Okay, this was a much better match than I was expecting. Alberto El Patron is usually a sign to me that it’s time to take a nap, but this was a really good match. The end was a hot mess, but on purpose. It was exciting, and that’s not a word I associate with Alberto El Patron. I’m sure we’ll see Lashley given the belt back, but the crowd seemed to enjoy someone that wasn’t Lashley or EC3 as Champion. This probably could’ve been a really good soft reboot premiere for Impact Wrestling, but there was something that just couldn’t be overlooked; the incredibly awful, distracting, obnoxious, aggravating, painful commentary. Every single segment – every match, every promo, every video package – was overwhelmed and run over by Josh Mathews and Jeremy Borash arguing. It ruined an otherwise good episode of Impact. I don’t care whatsoever about where this is going; I want it to end. I can’t even believe I’m this upset about this, but when I can’t even concentrate on watching the show because my ears are being assaulted by ceaseless nonsense noise, it just makes me want to turn the TV off and bury my head under a pillow.
1) Reno Scum def. DCC
2) Braxton Sutter def. Marche Rockett, Caleb Konley, and DJZ
3) Sienna def. Rachael Ellering
4) Alberto El Patron def. Lashley to become Impact Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion
– Josh Mathews and Jeremy Borash continue to yell at us through the TV.