Dory Funk sent this in.
!BANG! TV Report – Funk v. Schlenk? Ring the bell, raise some funds
By Dave Schlenker
Entertainment editor – Ocala Star Banner
Be warned Dory Funk Jr.: I spent many hours watching Dusty Rhodes bounce around the wrestling ring, pile-driving and chair-whacking and sleeper-holding and such.
Granted, I watched the heavy-weight icon while eating chips and slamming RC Colas. But, as an impressionable 8-year-old who weighed as much as the soda can, I picked up a few things.
So when Team Schlenk squares off against Team Funk on Nov. 24 at the Dory Funk Arena, I may have a trick or two lined up for Mr. Funk Jr. in the ring.
That’s right. Funk v. Schlenk. I, a 150-pound newspaper columnist with a penchant for smooth jazz, will take on Dory Funk Jr., a towering WWE Hall of Famer from the famed, bone-crushing Funk family.
This is not a joke.
The event is a fundraiser for the Marion County Literacy Council. Stranger still, it is part of my strategy to kiss a horse. That is, of course, if I am able to move my lips after fighting Funk, who also teaches local athletes to crush people at his Ocala wrestling academy.
You see, the Marion County Literacy Council asked me to participate in its annual Kiss the Horse For Literacy campaign this year. Participants must raise money for MCLC, a very worthy organization that provides literacy programs for adults. The participant who raises the most money gets to kiss Georgia the Arabian horse on Dec. 1 at the Grand Finale Kiss Off.
MCLC encourages participants to come up with creative ways to raise money and awareness. So, naturally, I challenged a wrestling legend, one with experience in barbed-wire matches, to a smackdown. I think they are still called smackdowns; I tend to watch more HGTV than wrestling these days.
No matter. The word “smack” remains a factor in wrestling, and I have been encouraged to smack-talk Dory Funk Jr. to amp up the stakes. After all, we will be fighting, and bloodthirsty fans will be screaming some smack of their own.
Truth be told, Funk is a really nice guy. And I will feel guilty hurting him so much. He is, after all, like 500 years old and needs a good Schlenker whuppin’ to realize it’s finally time to leave the ring and buy a golf cart in The Villages.
I now tell you Funk’s a punk! And his feet stink and he’s too tall and, I’ve heard, he hates puppies. His time has come and gone. There’s a new legend in town, and his feet do not smell as bad.
I’M TALKING ABOUT ME! You hear me, Funk? Are you listening, Ebeneezer?? Even though I have nothing against you whatsoever, THIS IS PERSONAL! PERSONAL in all CAPS, which, for newspaper columnists, is REAL personal, Buster.
Incidentally, when I told my 13-year-old daughter I was wrestling Dory Funk Jr., she said, “Dory? You mean the clueless blue fish from ‘Finding Nemo?’ ” Yeah, that’s right, Dory “Willard Scott Just Announced My Birthday” Funk Jr., even my daughter is on to you.
Man, this IS fun.
I could go on. And I will — relentlessly — until Nov. 24, when, perhaps, my mouth will not work so well. In the meantime, know this: Stinky Feet Funk couldn’t pile-drive a red wagon. BAM!
Speaking of the day I will be in traction, Funk v. Schlenk starts at 6:30 p.m. Nov. 24 at the Dory Funk Arena, 3598 SW 74th Ave. Tickets are $20, which also gets you admission into Funk’s regularly scheduled December 1st wrestling event. A nice offer, really, from a puppy-hating, clueless fish. BAM AGAIN!
All proceeds will benefit the Marion County Literacy Council. To buy tickets or contribute to my MCLC campaign, email go@starbanner.com.
In the end, I plan to kiss a horse. At the very least, I will hug the ropes.
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(2 Shows for the Price of 1 – Season’s Beatings 1 November 24th and Season’s Beating’s 2 December 1st)
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If you would like to become a professional wrestler and appear on !BANG! TV – Call Now 352-895-4658 or Visit Dory Funk’s Website at http://www.dory-funk.com
Join Dory Funk and Marti on Twitter, Facebook and Youtube – http://www.dory-funk.com/bt-20.html
Link to Story on Ocala Star Banner Website: http://www.ocala.com/article/20121108/COLUMNISTS/121109669
ACW sent this in.
ACW: NOVEMBER COMING FIRE 2012
STEVENS FIRE HALL
91 STEVENS ROAD
STEVENS, PA 17578
DOORS OPEN: 6PM
BELLTIME:7PM
Order tickets via Eventbrite:
http://www.eventbrite.com/event/4714155165/efbevent
Be there Saturday, November 10th, 2012 as ACW makes their return to Stevens Fire Hall (91 Stevens Road, Stevens, PA 17578) when they present November Coming Fire 2012. Be there to witness the ACW returns of “The Franchise” Shane Douglas and The Patriot. You will not want to miss this huge event. GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!!!
Already announced:
Gauntlet Match for ACW Heavyweight Title: Champion- Ox Hogg defends vs. Rockin’ Rebel, Ryan Slater and “The Franchise” Shane Douglas
Jon Dahmer vs. Anthony Graves
ACW Tag Team Title Match: Zero Tolerance (Tommy Golden and Rapid Fire Maldonado)- Champions vs. Team CK (Sean Carr and Kage)
ACW Tri-State Title Match: Nick Teller- Champion vs. OMGB
Triple Threat Match for the ACW Cruiserweight Title: Magus- Champion vs. James Justice vs. Mad Dawg
Grudge Tag Team Match: Rediculous Ronnie and Ahtu vs. KITT and Jay Diesel
The Patriot vs. Mean Mark Mest
Grudge Match: Twisted Tate vs. Hayne
Rob Noxious vs. “Bulldog” James Dylan
Grudge Tag Team Match: Old School (Scotty Jefferys & Dennis Reaper) vs. CJ Cruz and Big Frank
ACW Battle Royal: featuring all of your favorite ACW Stars!!!
– Card Subject to Change –
Steven Ashe sent this in.
Pure Wrestling Association presents:
“Spirit of the Season”
December 7th, 2012
Alpine Club
464 Maple Avenue
Kitchener, Ontario
Doors Open at 7:00pm
Bell Time at 7:30pm
Tickets are $15.00 in Advance $10 in Advance for Youths
Tickets can be purchased at Combinations Sports – 306 King St W in Kitchener
or by calling 519-998-8799
Tickets can be purchased at the door the day of the event for an extra $5
ALL PROCEEDS WILL BE DONATED TO THE TREE OF ANGELS!!
HELPING KIDS IN OUR COMMUNITY
PURE WRESTLING CHAMPIONSHIP
TURCAN CELIK VS. JOEY ALLEN -c- W/ LENNY LILAC
ELITE WOMENS CHAMPIONSHIP
GABRIELLA VANDERPOOL VS. JEWELLS MALONE -c-
TAGTEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
SCREAMING EGOS VS. THRILLBILLIES-c-
ONTARIO CHAMPIONSHIP
JOHNNY WAVE VS. ANTHONY FIASCO-c-
PURE VIOLENCE CHAMPIONSHIP
HARDKORE HICK VS. BUCK GUNDERSON-c-
JIMMY KING VS. SGT. DICKSON
REGGIE MARLEY VS. REX ATKINS
DEREK PLATINUM VS. JUAN ORTIZ