Hmmmm, this sense of d?j? vu feels familiar. Perhaps it’s because this is in fact my second attempt at writing this column following my laptop’s complete and utter abject failure at being a basic, competent piece of modern technology. So what was a potentially Pulitzer winning piece of literature, typed up between sips of Czechoslovakian lager with The Beatles? ?Magical Mystery Tour? serenading me has now degenerated into a hastily rewritten, yet still wonderful jumble of words accompanied by Bad Santa on the TV and mouthfuls of mini poppadoms. Let’s see what happens shall we?
In approximately five hours from the time of writing, the WWE Slammy Awards will be taking place on a special three hour edition of Raw. How dare the WWE run an awards ceremony and not invite me to be part of it! Where were they for my alternative half year awards back in June? Needless to say, I feel betrayed, yet betrayed with a sense of honour. I will now bestow upon you my picks for this year’s WWE Slammy Awards. Last year I predicted all but two correctly. I?m aiming for the clean sweep this time round. Here goes nothing.
Superstar Of The Year
– The Undertaker
– John Cena
– Randy Orton
– CM Punk
The Casa’s choice: The Undertaker ? Ok, so it’s been a relatively quiet year for Mean Mark. Aside from tearing the house down at Wrestlemania with Shawn Michaels and winning another World Title at Hell In A Cell, avid Taker devotees won?t look back on 2009 as a vintage year for The Deadman. However, can you imagine the acceptance speech should he win the award? Taker thanking God and all the fans for making his achievement possible would wipe the floor with Hogan bodyslamming Andre at WM III as the greatest moment in sports entertainment history. I want to see Taker get teary eyed and dedicate the award to Paul Bearer.
Breakout Supserstar Of The Year
– Yoshi Tatsu
– Drew Mcintyre
– Abraham Washington
The Casa’s choice: Sheamus ? The guy might have the complexion of Casper The Friendly Ghost, but he beat John Cena CLEAN to become WWE Champion having only been on the main roster a handful of months and only having one previous PPV match before last night under his belt. Not bad going huh? He’s an obvious choice. If the WWE Title belt has a spinning pint of Guinness on it tonight Sheamus will become my new favourite wrestler.
Tag Team Of The Year
– The Hart Dynasty
The Casa’s choice: Jerishow ? So they didn?t have the best of nights last night, but anyone who disagrees with this choice is a sycophant and a troglodyte. How the fuck did The Hart Dynasty even make it onto the list? I know tag team wrestling is practically a dead art form in the WWE nowadays but surely things aren?t that bad. But yeah, long words, sourpuss looks, bad trunks and big punches earn Jerishow this prestigious accolade.
Raw Guest Host Of The Year
– Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne
– Bob Barker
– Seth Green
The Casa’s choice: Bob Barker ? The price is wroooong bitch! That line was pretty much my entire knowledge of Bob Barker prior to his stint as Raw guest GM a few months ago. Happy Gilmore aptly prepared me for the toughest 80 year old in the world. I?d heard rumours of him karate chopping a desk in half on a US talk show but I wasn?t sure what to believe. Until I saw the Bobcat in action. My word he was magnificent. Ozzy and Sharon may have hosted the Raw where Christ Masters pec bounced along to Black Sabbath’s Crazy Train, but they didn?t have The Price Is Raw and superstars wrestling over an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii. Fuck Titles, trips abroad are the way forward in modern wrestling.
Extreme Moment Of The Year
– Kofi Kingston lands a boom drop on Randy Orton through a table at MSG.
– Big Show chokeslams John Cena into arena spotlight at Backlash.
– Jeff Hardy jumps from ladder onto CM Punk at Summerslam.
– HHH invades Randy Orton’s home.
The Casa’s choice: HHH invades Randy Orton’s home ? Who didn?t love ?Here’s Hunter!?? Ok so maybe The Game didn?t quite channel his inner Jack Nicholson during this breaking and entering session on the road to Wrestlemania, but it damn close. I?m pretty sure I could hear HHH muttering ?redrum? under his angry, guttural breath. The only thing missing was HHH stopping mid rampage to pedigree Randy’s wife (yes that is an innuendo). I love OTT angles and this one took the cake.
Shocker Of The Year
– Batista turns on Rey Mysterio
– Randy Orton DDT’s Stephanie and forces HHH to watch
– CM Punk forces Jeff Hardy to retire after Steel Cage match victory
– Sheamus slams Raw guest host Mark Cuban through a table
The Casa’s choice: Randy Orton DDT’s Stephanie and forces HHH to watch ? Another award for one of my feuds of the year. The matches may have largely sucked a donkey’s cock but both guys brought it in a big way when it came to white hot angles. Everything about this angle was perfect. As if Orton hadn?t done enough already with the puntings of Vince and Shane. HHH sold the handcuffing to a tee as did Steph with a DDT. Again, despite the angle’s brilliance, there was one minor thing lacking. With Steph unconscious, Randy was hovering over her like a horny cobra. His eyes wide in an almost rapey manner. He then proceeds to land a smacker on the lips of his fallen foe’s spouse. Great stuff. But was anyone else not hoping for him to teabag her?
Match Of The Year
– Jeff Hardy vs Edge Ladder Match at Extreme Rules
– Shawn Michaels vs The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 25
– Randy Orton vs John Cena ?I Quit? Match at Breaking Point
– Team Raw vs Team Smackdown at Bragging Rights
The Casa’s choice: Randy Orton vs John Cena ?I Quit? Match at Breaking Point ? This little ditty is actually my match of the year in general. It’s the best ?I Quit? match I?ve personally ever seen in the WWE. Historically I can only think of two that trump it. Those being Blanchard vs Magnum inside the cage at Starrcade and then Flair vs Funk at the Great American Bash ?89. So it’s in pretty good company. I wrote an extensive review of the match on the Wrestleview forums which y?all should check out. I?m extremely proud of it. Orton doing everything but waterboard Cena and then shitting a brick when Cena breaks free from the ?cuffs is beautiful to watch. Cena gets totally Vietcong?d in this match. One thing I will say however, is that I?m shocked that the WWE haven?t acknowledged the best series of matches this year in the list in Jericho vs Mysterio who never put on anything less than a fantastic match every time they stepped into the ring together this year. They could wrestle each other in their sleep. Still though, Cena/Orton is more than a worthy winner.
The ?Oh My? Moment Of The Year
– Chris Masters performs special ?dancing pecs? routine for the Osbournes
– Shawn Michaels superkicks little girl in cafeteria
– Michael Cole vomits on Chris Jericho at Smackdown 10th anniversary
– Santino Marella accidentally nails Vickie Guerrero with a pie
The Casa’s choice: Chris Masters performs special ?dancing pecs? routine for the Osbournes ? This was the toughest category to choose a winner from as they?re all great entrants who are more than deserving of the award, but Masters takes it. How could he not? Whenever he wins a match from now on he has to do a routine to a different song. Here’s hoping for ?Fuck Tha Police? after his next Masterlocking victory.
The clean sweep may be off the cards looking at some of those picks but what the Hell? If we get a pec dance and HHH raping Randy Orton I?m happy. I?d of course settle for The Undertaker acceptance speech. Who wouldn?t?
Anyway, I?m goosed. Rewriting this sucka has taken it out of me. I?m off for a beer and three hours of Raw. Wish me luck. Remember to send any fanmail and virtual panties to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Until next time, arrivederci